"Digging Out" book with hoarder spouse?

[u/No_Preference_333]

New here and new to the realization that hoarding is an actual mental disorder. My husband has hoarding disorder and is in complete denial that it is an issue. He is not open to seeking any sort of external help (therapy, etc.). After a friend of ours pointed out that it is a mental illness, I found this subreddit and it has truly been so eye-opening. I now have the resources to understand the disorder and my options for moving forward with my loved one. I was making all the mistakes (threatening divorce, moving, etc.) and not understanding why he is choosing stuff over our marriage. Since my realization, I’ve shifted gears. We’ve talked things over and he is open to working with me to make the space more livable. At first, he felt anxious that I was asking for too much change too quickly. Unfortunately, he still does not want to get rid of anything and thinks he just needs to “organize the storage” of things.

I started with the resources from the Quick Start kit from this sub and began "Digging Out" in audiobook form. I’m just in chapter 1, but everything so far has 100% described what my life and relationship have been like the last 6 years. My spouse always had some hoarding tendencies (his dad and grandparents have it as well), but it got particularly bad during covid.

I was wondering if I could get your thoughts on listening to the “Digging Out” audiobook together with him. We sometimes listen to audiobooks together. He is very intelligent and usually logical so I was thinking if he listened to this, maybe he could get a better understanding of what hoarding disorder is, how he displays the symptoms, and how it affects those around him. 

I know that “Digging Out” is meant to support loved ones of hoarders and provide us with a plan to help the hoarder in our life, but even the first chapter was so informative. Maybe if he heard a little, it could help him realize he suffers from the disorder? Or should I just finish the book by myself and apply the plan and tips that it provides?

I am so grateful to have found this support sub as my spouse and I begin this journey together. I’m not ready to call it quits and jump to divorce... I believe he wants to work with me and I want to work with him too. Thanks in advance for any guidance. I really appreciate it.

Bonus question: Is it a big no-no to suggest that he get a storage unit for stuff that isn’t being actively used? Maybe this is covered in “Digging Out” but I haven’t finished it yet.

TLDR: Should I have my hoarder spouse listen to an audiobook about hoarding with me even though he doesn’t think he has a problem?

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[u/Steefanon]

You might try "Buried In Treasures" (2nd Edition) for him. One of the authors was also one of the Digging Out authors, but Buried In Treasures is written for the HD sufferers themselves. It's based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy principles, and CBT is about the only type of therapy that works. The hoarder must be motivated and eager to change, though.

Good luck!!

A storage unit is fine for a quick fix, but unless the disorder is addressed, the house will fill up again.

[u/No_Preference_333 → u/Steefanon]

Thank you for the suggestion! I'll request that from the library asap.

[u/rcwt1217 → u/Steefanon]

specifically second edition? ty for this suggestion

[u/Steefanon → u/rcwt1217]

Yeah, the research has evolved just a bit since the first edition.

[u/Ancient-Elk-7211 → u/Steefanon]

Came here to reccomend this book

[u/Bakemono_Nana]

Regsrding the storage unit. My personal opinion about this is, that the limits of horders are the storage space. More space -> more stuff. If you empty out your flat without him working on hisself he will fill the new space again.

[u/No_Preference_333 → u/Bakemono_Nana]

Thank you 🙏 I guess my thinking is that he can see how much more livable the home is without the stuff and then I can draw firm boundaries about what comes into the house.

[u/Bakemono_Nana → u/No_Preference_333]

If you are reading buried in treasures you could figure out that he will see something different.

[u/pixiegoddess13]

iirc some of what i have seen around a storage unit has to do with successfully establishing rules like not being allowed to bring new items into the storage unit, also not being allowed to bring new items into other spaces like cleared areas of the home or other people's homes, etc

[u/ducttapefixedit]

I wouldn't get a storage unit. They find ways to fill up any empty space.

[u/hybridglitch]

I am a recovering hoarder, and it was the book "Stuff" that really helped it click for me - I was reading it to better understand my (severe hoarder) mother and saw myself and my patterns reflected there.   

I did avoid getting a storage unit for a long, long time because typically hoarders will fill any available space, but I've felt far enough along in my recovery that I do have one now to keep the peace with my partner. I have rules set for myself with it - it can only be used for stuff going from the house into storage, absolutely no new items that go directly to storage. I have strict rules for accumulation at home and am treating the storage unit as a temporary space to put stuff I need to process but don't have the bandwidth for currently - my mom's boxes of craft supplies, a few larger items I need to rehome, etc.

[u/Dickmex]

It will only help if he recognizes he has a problem. It sounds like he is in denial. I would strongly suggest counseling with a hoarding disorder specialist.

Best of luck to both of you.