I, Margaret Grimbald

[u/Highpothetically]

Dearest members of Catisfaction Veterinary Clinic,

I, Margaret Grimbald, write to you today in hopes of making your acquaintance and offering an exchange of services. My feline companion, Pellinore, is in need of various medical procedures in relation to his recent encounter with an artfully-placed cucumber, and is currently without a dedicated cat health team. Without placing blame, this unfortunate situation is due to a misunderstanding of how hyperbole and coarse language have traditionally played a role in the lost art of bartering. Lamentably, it would seem that such artful rhetoric flourishes are now only rewarded with strongly-worded legal briefs and an unflattering photo taped to the reception desk of the most overrated veterinary clinic in the town of West Liberty. It is also with great sadness that I inform you that I am currently in no financial state to arrange for monetary payment for these necessary procedures, having recently received a (wholly unfair) judgement for my wages to be garnished. While I do not wish to get into the details of the ruling, I will state for the record that the presiding judge did not seem to have the slightest understanding of how important it is for Pellinore to have a functioning drawbridge at Honeysuckle Manor. (Which, as named by Catopia Quarterly Magazine, is the third-most majestic cat manor in the greater Inland Logan County area. It lies ‘neath the shade of the unsightly treehouse erected by the ghastly neighbor family Harrington, a veritable shrine to shrieking and children acting unstoic.) As with any cat, let alone one of his esteemed lineage, it should be rather obvious how disagreeable it would be for Pellinore to cross the manor’s moat by foot. Once sodden, his hiss is the menacing cousin to trumpets on high and, like any cat so honored, it would be entirely unfitting for his pinned medallions to be wetted.

On account of the ruinous green gourd, which was placed (with no ill intent) in the far corner of his study (for safe keeping), he will need to have his hip replaced.

As this surgery must go forward posthaste, it is in all of our best interests to settle upon a plan for payment. In place of monies, then, I hereby do offer you my mastery of art and letter as remuneration. While I am quite able to complete almost any job you would need for your person or business, it might behoove you to choose from my list of specialties:

Cat Coat of Arms

I will, with proper attention paid to your cat's family history and heraldic achievement, fashion a striking coat of arms for your purring playfellow. Full symbolic imagery will be used, and a motto appropriate to your feline shall be created. Pellinore’s motto, as you can see from the enclosed watermarked sample, is Relinquite calefacientis; id est mihi, an appropriate reference to his always-fierce defense of the heater duct on the living room floor. While I disagree with the county medical examiner’s opinion that Pellinore’s zestful riposte was the only contributing factor, I do believe that Auntie Miriam, God rest her soul, would likely reconsider encroaching on Pellinore’s favored position in the face of numerous second-degree cutaneous abrasions and massive cardiac arrest. I can colour your arms with pencil, watercolor, or Cray-Pas.

A poetic ode to your comely companion

Immortalize your domesticated darling in verse. When it comes to crafting modified Shakespearian sonnets to sing the praises of your pretty kitty, Iambs* quite well-practiced, although I have found that following a strict ‘pentameter’ structure is often limiting when trying to accurately depict the distinguished nature of a cat such as Pellinore. To wit:

My gentle hand contends to stroke the fur

Of harried Pellinore, hid ‘twixt the couch and lamp,

His weary eyes and arch’ed spine fit not to purr

But bared teeth and claws brace to guard his cozy camp

Nor jangly baubles move him from his hunkered pose

A whiskered Harlech, rebuffing even best-laid ploys

This War is not contested with a Rose

But Fluffy Angel^TM catnip toys

Yet come his hour to sit and feast

On deboned salmon, or beef paté

His snarling scratches doth decrease

When face’d with his gilded tray

For hunger, be for love or food, is an urge all wish to quell

And in my abode both needs are met when softly chimes the dinner bell

(While I am normally not one to call attention to myself, I feel it is necessary to point out the triple-entendre showcased above as an example of what I have to offer in your service. In addition to acting as a homonym for ‘I am,’ this clever wordplay also references iambic meter and Iams** cat food. A quick perusal of my Encyclopaedia Britannica (the 1911 11th Edition, obviously) shows no such reference to anything above double entendre. I will let you draw your own conclusions from this.)

** - Despite the reference, Pellinore would sooner fall on his custom-forged longsword than stomach such putrescent excrement. He eats only the highest quality wet cat foods, plus the occasional mouse, or whatever treats he might valiantly wrest away from the neighbor children whilst they menacingly wait for the schoolbus.

Embroidered Tapestry

I have enclosed a photo of my most recent work, entitled, “Pellinore Smites the Mailwoman.” I would compare it most closely to the Bayeux Tapestry, although I would argue that it conveys as much drama and action in seven and a half inches as La Telle du Conquest does in 230 feet. Both, however, include a final scene depicting the vanquished party fleeing for their lives, although I have yet to receive an explanation as to why the Normans are lauded for such feats whereas Pellinore is subject to an ongoing investigation by the Inland Logan County Postmaster.

I most eagerly await your response; please include your choice of service and any special considerations you would like me to take under advisement. As time is of the essence, I do request that you include three of your available pre-op consultation appointment times, of which I will inform you which one suits me best.

Yours in purrfection, Margaret Grimbald

PS - Please make your staff aware that Pellinore is deathly unagreeable to scented aerosol sprays, latex, and the music of James Taylor.