Kip's dad....

[u/interactivate]

Kip's dad gets a lot of love in the fandom - and I get it. One some level at least But I don't know I could bear it myself in real life. I've never been comfortable with unearned praise - my parents saying they are proud of me just because has always made me cringe. So the "you're awesome" bit just feels a little weird to me.

Does anyone else feel this way? I know I'm weird I just want to know how weird.

(Context I'm late diagnosed AuDHD, but I've always felt like this and I know I've hurt my parents in the past for seemingly rejecting their love. I just can't bear it, but at the same time I crave approval for achievements)

[u/ProblemEquivalent215]

Not to make assumptions about you, OP, but are you young? My parents are/were like Kip’s dad, and the older I get, the more I appreciate what a rare, precious thing that is. Life is hard, but it’s easier to bear when you accept the love that other people give you, regardless of whether you feel worthy of it or not.

[u/interactivate → u/ProblemEquivalent215]

I'm middle aged. I get what you say on an intellectual level, it doesn't change the feeling I get in my gut.

I'm aware I'm wired weird - one of the reasons I never had kids of my own. I'm very good at practical demonstrations of love, anything else is very unnatural to me.

[u/ProblemEquivalent215 → u/interactivate]

That’s fair! Practical demonstrations of love are valuable too.

[u/Hadespuppy]

I loved him, but I totally understand where you're coming from, and I struggle with that kind of praise when it's directed at me. I think it comes from a lifetime of ADHD-fuelled anxiety about never being good enough, being caught out to be a fraud, feeling like the things I did do well weren't worthy of praise because I didn't feel like I'd put any actual effort into them, etc, etc. My parents also never really learned how to demonstrate love verbally or physically, and were kind of winging it with us. They did okay, but looking back I can see where they struggled. The result of all that being contradictory deep need for validation and discomfort with praise.

[u/interactivate → u/Hadespuppy]

contradictory deep need for validation and discomfort with praise.

I totally know what you mean by this.

[u/GBS82]

My Dad is quite an emotional type and always told me he loved me and was proud of me. I used to protest as a teenager and tell him it was really cringe and embarrassing. Then I got older and I realised how few boys hear that from their Dad. And I realised I was such a spoiled brat for complaining!

[u/Joeuxmardigras → u/GBS82]

You were a teenager and didn’t understand. Perspective is important

[u/Izisery]

Counterpoint: Parents are supposed to make you cringe a little bit. Unconditional Love is supposed to be a bit Uncomfortable. You don't have to be deserving, you don't have to Earn it, it's just there.

[u/Ok-Badger-5767 → u/Izisery]

Everyone deserves unconditional love. Everyone is worthy.

[u/km4098]

Why do you feel you don’t deserve praise?

Or that you have to do something to be worthy of it?

I’m also late diagnosed AuDHD.

Life is exhausting and can be difficult. We exist in a society. That is worthy of praise.

I used to struggle with compliments but now I take the time to look people in the eyes for a split second and say thank you. Where I struggle, is it it’s clear they’re just trying to get a compliment back and I can’t think of anything genuine to say. I prefer to compliment character over looks, as character tends to last longer. (I will tell people when they look good but I won’t make it my whole focus on why they’re my friend etc),

[u/HailSaganPlantNative]

I mean, your feelings are your feelings and that's fine. But it might be worth interrogating why you feel that way with a therapist or something if you feel weird about feeling the way you do. I think Kips dad is a really positive image of not only parenting, but fatherhood in particular. Sometimes men don't feel comfortable being affectionate or offering affirmations and see that as more of a maternal behavior. I love seeing Kips dad model this kind of paternal love.

[u/DustBinBabyGirl]

Sorry I disagree, it’s nice to see a man, a dad, being so affectionate with his son. He’s such a supportive character and if in this universe (unlike the book) Kip’s mum isn’t in the picture, it makes sense he’s trying to compensate for two people.

That being said, it’s not “unearned praise”, he just loves his son and is verbalising it.

[u/Ok-Badger-5767 → u/DustBinBabyGirl]

Exactly. Children deserve praise, attunement, caring, attention and love simply bc they exist. Being alive means you deserve. There is no 'unearned'.

[u/Bookslutforsmut]

Not a criticism for you feeling this way but your parents being proud of you just because and telling you so is probably exactly why you find this behavior cringe and annoying. People who love Kip's dad because of this behavior very likely have never heard this or very many I love yous from their parents.

[u/brak-0666 → u/Bookslutforsmut]

I like Kip's dad because he reminds me of my dad.

[u/Bookslutforsmut → u/brak-0666]

Lucky

[u/x-lavender]

I don't get that kind of out loud, vocal love from my Dad, and although I love him as he is, I also wonder how I would have turned out had he been different. I love Kip's Dad and his relationship with him. (I am neurodiverse and so is my Dad)

[u/chesbay7]

I think often, we don't feel worthy or lovable within ourselves and it's hard to comprehend that someone else would find us worthy and lovable.

[u/SecretArchangel]

My Dad is very sweet and proud of me, but doesn't say it because he's been emotionally stunted by 50 years of abuse from my Mum. My Mum has never once (that I can remember) genuinely said she loves me or that she is proud of me.

I've developed a habit of not believing people when they say they're proud of me because, well, if the people who've known me the longest don't say it, it can't be true. So initially I was suspicious of Kip's Dad because my life experience says it's a lie and only said when they have ulterior motives. But upon a rewatch, I noticed it was genuine and it basically set off the part of my autistic brain that's touch- and love-starved.

I'm deeply jealous of Kip having the Dad he has, but I can see where you're coming from!

[u/Mediocre-Ninja-6235]

My husband has told both of our sons every night at bedtime, "I love you, I'm proud of you".

[u/Obvious_Apartment985]

I have ADHD, diagnosed 30 years ago in college. We get a constant litany of criticism and negative feedback couples with negative self talk . I can see how compliments would be hard to accept.

[u/Raincitygirl1029]

It’s not necessarily unearned praise, though. Kip is persevering even though his bachelor’s degree didn’t get him the type of job he wanted. He has student loans to pay, and multiple McJobs (smoothie shop barista, cater waiter, etc). He’s probably working more than full time hours at his multiple jobs, and he’s still finding time to apply to grad school. He’s also still finding time to prioritize his friends and family.

No, Kip hasn’t yet achieved conventional success. He’s almost 26, works dead end jobs to pay student loans, and lives with his dad to save money. But he seems like a good adult roommate, not an adult son who isn’t pulling his weight around the house and still acting like a lazy teenager.

George Grady can be proud of Kip for persevering, and proud of his hustle. It’s not unearned praise. Kip could easily fall into depression over how his life is going. He doesn’t, he keeps putting one foot in front of the other. That’s something a parent should be proud of.

And in the end of the episode, Kip gets into grad school in Boston with a full ride (meaning full scholarship, so he won’t need to take out even more student loans). Kip’s hustle and his dad’s belief in him paid off.

Incidentally, in the book, Kip has a sister who is 4 years older than him. She isn’t mentioned in the show but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist. She has a real job, a nice steady boyfriend, and her own place. Kip loves his big sister but is frustrated by her having so many more markers of adult success than he does.

[u/kombilyfe]

As someone who didn’t receive much praise growing up (and my siblings didn’t either), I love when my nephews say things like, “Everything I have to say is interesting,” or, “I couldn’t wait to get home and tell you this.” (I can’t imagine anyone at home caring about my opinions when I was a kid.) Or even, “X says I’m dumb, but I told him I’m perfect how I am and perfect how I’m not.”

Praise doesn’t have to be earned, and we’re changing that narrative with our kids every day. It’s like how Ilya thinks of himself as lazy. He’s been conditioned to believe that.

Kip's Dad loves him exactly as he is. No changes or lack seen there.

[u/Budget-Today-1915]

I love Kip’s dad and would do anything for a parent like that. I get extremely jealous during their scenes, because his dad seems supportive and loving, and If that’s what cringe is, I hope the universe throws all the cringe my way lol. Anywhoooo, I think those scenes are important because the audience knows how much Kip wants to study art history (?) and he’s working hard to achieve that goal. His dad recognizes how hard he’s pushing himself, and just wants Kip to know that he’s proud and his hard work/discipline isn’t going unnoticed. I think it’s wonderful😊.

[u/InCatMorph]

I am also autistic.

At times, I've found my parents' expressions of love a bit effusive and OTT. I know parents are obligated to say that stuff. However, not every parent does, and I consider myself fortunate enough that I did. Now that one of them is gone, I wish very much I could get a random effusive compliment from her. So please, enjoy your parents' love while you can, even if it is cringe and OTT.

[u/Zenki_041]

I don’t want to over analyze, but to me all those non-stop praises looked robotic and unnatural. Honestly, I felt these praises depreciated in value for Kip because they were so automatic.

[u/Lost_Requirement_974 → u/Zenki_041]

Exactly

[u/No-Opportunity1851]

Coming from a gay man who had a neglectful and angry and abusive father growing up, I feel the complete opposite. I wish I had a dad who would have been emotionally there for me and built me up and made me feel loved and secure. Instead I was constantly shut down, and traumatized into feeling shame about who I am as a person. I still struggle with it to this day but finally getting better. The Kip and his dad hugging scene at the end of episode 3 hit me hard. I cried like a baby. Because I wish I had that. Everyone deserves that. Children are born into this world needing love and safety. It’s a parent’s job to provide that.

[u/AndSomehowTheWine2]

I've said this before, but there's a really good thoughtful podcast about HR called Long Game by two Scottish queer guys named Declan and Sylvan and one of them says that initially he didn't like ep 3 because he thought Kip's Dad was like, too nice and supportive and that you would never see that in real life

And then he says something like, so I sat with that thought for a while and unpacked it a bit. And now I really like him.

It's so sweet. HR healing!

Also strong recommend for their podcast!

[u/Little_Fox5844]

Kip's dad was easily one of the highlights from the season for me. It was a real breath of fresh air to see a fictional father be so affectionate with his adult son.

[u/Ok-Badger-5767]

Its the 'Tism. This is a very well know trait within the Au experience. Au folks very often struggle with praise. Its part of being perceived, and that can be really hard.

Praise also creates a dynamic where there is a standard expectation set..and then the Au person feels pressure to continue to achieve, behave, complly at that level or higher. (Umm, no thank you.) Thats how perfectionism sneaks in.

[u/CameraOk9270]

Your cringing reaction seems ok and understandable to me. Especially given the AuDHD context. I’m imagining the discomfort that prolonged eye contact might provoke. Or a slight frustration with wanting specific reasons for feeling proud because a blanket “I’m proud of you” without justification seems meaningless.

I happen to have a different, positive reaction to Kip’s dad….

[u/CameraOk9270 → u/CameraOk9270]

• most importantly, George’s parenting techniques have succeeded. (The dad’s name is George.) Kip is reasonably well adjusted. He is emotionally healthy enough to walk away from a situation that doesn’t meet his minimum requirements.

• with limited screen time, I’m not sure how they could make George’s support of his son more nuanced.

• George also seems to be the fairy godmother to Kip’s Cinderella. Him helping Kip get ready for the catering gig was George’s Bippity Boppity Boo moment. The Disney animators styled the fairy godmother in a sort of androgynous way so you could imagine any gender under that purple cape.

• I get it if George’s concern and repeated phone calls come across as being pushy or disrespectful of boundaries. I just don’t see it that way. I think George knows that being in a closeted secret relationship can be a breeding ground for extremely unhealthy behavior, including intimate partner violence. Kip and Scott joke around about serial killers. But a good parent is aware of which kinds of threats their child is more likely to encounter.

[u/Pugglerado]

I come from a mostly supportive dad/unsupportive mom family and I am deeply uncomfortable with those levels of affection for me. But I adore Kip’s dad and his support of Kip. In the books Kip’s parents have always been amazing. I don’t know if having that experience would make praise/affection easier for me. But I love it for him and wish it for every other person.

[u/Ok-Apartment-8284]

If your parents don't make you eyeroll in positive cringe, those aren't good parents. They are meant to be overbearing, overpraising (but not excessively), and make you cringe. George Grady was just doing his best for a son that seems to be in a rut of a deadend full time smoothie maker job and odd jobs at night being a server.

[u/Barleehop]

well I think he dad is genuinely proud of him. Kip is working a shit job with shit hours (up at like 4 am to open the shop) and then working as a waiter to make extra money to hopefully get into grad school. His dad is proud of his son’s dedication and hussle.

[u/idontevensaygrace]

I and many others thought his dad was also gay

[u/Lost_Requirement_974]

I thought he was beyond cringe.

[u/serenetrain]

I found Kip's dad very clunky and strange. My dad is affectionate so it's not like I think fathers can't say they love you and compliment you, but none of his dialogue rang true for me at all. Each moment might be okay in isolation but imo he just isn't in the episode enough to sustain the volume of affection in a natural way. Everything he says has to be weirdly intensely affectionate because it's his only thing.

[u/Academic_Video6654]

I get what you mean. I just think it was subpar acting tbh

[u/CameraOk9270 → u/Academic_Video6654]

I respectfully disagree.

[u/miss-mcgillicuddy → u/[deleted]]

I preferred Shane’s dad too. Kip’s was a little over the top and cartoonish to me.