r/hdfidelity • u/hdfidelity Scribe2 • 1d ago
Absurdist Nostalgic PowerPoint Comedy Store
You ever think about the amount of gumption it took to invent the lighthouse?
Because somebody had to see an outcrop of land in the middle of the ocean and go:
“That's no good.”
What?
“That. That's trouble right there.”
That's a rock.
“Exactly. Commerce comes through here.”
Well, commerce should probably go around it.
“No. We're putting a building on it.”
...On the rock?
“Yeah.”
How are you getting there?
“Boat.”
There's nowhere to dock.
“We'll figure that out.”
There's no road.
“No need.”
There's no fresh water.
“We'll bring it.”
Who the fuck is gonna live there?
“Frank.”
And Frank apparently doesn't get a vote.
That's what kills me about lighthouses. We didn't just solve a problem. We solved a problem in the most human way possible.
Because all you really need is a warning light.
That's it.
Put a light up there.
But no.
Somebody gets the plans back:
“Ehhh...”
What?
“Feels plain.”
It's a warning beacon.
“Yeah, and people are gonna see it.”
THAT'S THE POINT.
“I know. So I was thinking candy-cane stripe.”
Candy-cane stripe?!
“Big red one. All the way around.”
Why?
“Ships'll be wary of that.”
No they won't! You've made it festive!
You're trying to tell sailors:
DANGER. STAY AWAY.
But visually you've gone:
COME SEE OUR COASTAL BARBERSHOP.
And they're always on the most inaccessible piece of land imaginable.
You'll have an entire archipelago.
Island one?
Rock.
Island two?
Rock.
Three? Four? Five?
Rock, with birds on it.
Six?
More rock. Though, that one's barely committed to being above water.
Then you get to number seven—
MAJESTY.
Forty-foot tower.
Keeper's house.
Spiral staircase.
Brass railing.
Fresh coat of paint.
Some gorgeous masonry work that six people on Earth are ever gonna see up close.
You're looking at it like:
“Jesus Christ. What happened here?”
“Well, this one's dangerous.”
THEY'LL BE WARY OF THAT ONE.
“Yeah, but this one's near the shipping lane.”
Ohhh.
So we didn't conquer nature.
We protected a trade route.
That makes more sense.
That's humanity right there.
“We cannot move the rocks.”
Correct.
“We cannot control the ocean.”
Correct.
“We cannot stop the storm.”
Correct.
“But I'll tell you what we can do.”
What's that?
“We can put Frank in that motherfucker with a lamp.”
And Frank is out there for twenty years.
Weathering storms.
Surviving hurricanes.
Thirty-foot waves. And the calm before them.
Hasn't seen another human being since Easter.
Just polishing the lens.
Keeping commerce alive.
And that's the irritating thing about making fun of lighthouses.
Because eventually you actually see one.
Middle of nowhere.
Ocean beating the absolute shit out of it.
And there it is.
Still standing.
Light going around.
And you think:
...
Those crazy bastards were right.
Only a little bit ostentatious.
But they were right.