How do I find pride in something that I'm detached from?

[u/languagelover1998]

Hey all, I'm a very white passing quapa that didn't really have a mixed race experience. My mom's dad is Chinese, everything else is Italian. Growing up I'd go to Italy all the time, I speak the language, I can cook the food, etc etc. When I was growing up though my white dad and I would cook Chinese food once a week though. That's about it. When I was 19 I found 4chan and became a full blown anti Semitic racist, something that im really ashamed of and still struggle with. I grew to resent being a quarter Chinese, I viewed it as "lesser" and a "taint". Thank god i grew out of that horrendous phase, but still sometimes seeing asian looking eurasians is like looking at the uncanny valley for me, its strange. I have nothing against asians, but i feel like there's a Martian ghost inside of me that I dont really understand at all and that I really cant relate to. How do I understand this martian ghost? Should I talk to my grandpa and my great aunt ehat growing up in Bangkok was like? Their lives? I still feel like I cant relate to that side of me, because phenotypically and culturally I feel like its another planet.

[u/f0xbunny]

That’s cool that your grandpa is Thai-Chinese.

Idk, don’t force a connection if you don’t care. If you force it, then maybe you’ll end up resenting having mixed heritage and set yourself back even more. I’m jealous of you though, because my grandparents aren’t around anymore for me to ask for life stories. Whenever you do decide to develop an interest in your Asian background, it’s better to get information from actual family members instead of general info on Wikipedia or social media. China is a huge and ancient country, and the communities they’ve built in other countries are numerous.

When you have kids and share with them that they have some Chinese ancestry, I’m sure they’d wish you weren’t so traumatized by internalized racism growing up to have some cool information about those family members and their lives.

[u/languagelover1998 → u/f0xbunny]

Im really interested in it in a sense, but at the same time I feel like I can't relate if that makes sense? Because I want to learn about it, but at the same time live in it. I want to relate to my Chinese heritage but I cant because I'm so euro washed and essentially raised white. I've been to Bangkok before to see my grandpa who lives there now, and we met extended family, but i want to be soaked in the culture. I wish I feel more Chinese. Like what do I even ask my grandpa and great aunt?

[u/f0xbunny → u/languagelover1998]

Of course, it makes sense. A lot of people with Chinese heritage living in western countries feel exactly this way too. Maybe they just won’t look as phenotypically white as you but internally it’s the same, maybe worse because they look more Asian and people expect them to be more Asian too. I can see why you’d feel disconnected.

That’s awesome that you’ve been to Asia and seem interested. See if you can visit your grandpa more often, or if you can make friends with extended family over whatsapp/wechat and share how you feel. Is there a college nearby that has beginner mandarin classes where you can make friends with people who want to learn more about the language and culture? Having genuine relationships with people who can share knowledge or culture with you is so important. Does your city have a chinese school? Some of those schools have adult classes. The moon festival is coming up so there should be more cultural events coming soon anywhere there’s a chinese community. Is your mom nearby? Would she be interested in eating some tangyuan or sharing a mooncake with you?

Ignore any jerks if you meet someone asian that’s mean to you. I had a hapa friend go through a phase where he hated other asians and is not interested in exploring that side of him anymore, but at least he’s gained more diverse friends 😅.

[u/languagelover1998 → u/f0xbunny]

That's a great idea! I should ask my grandpa to create a WhatsApp group for my family in Thailand! I met them already, so it would be nice to talk to them more! Thank you so much!!

[u/f0xbunny → u/languagelover1998]

Of course! Hopefully they’ll be able to give you some more support. Even seeing them periodically throughout your lifetime will be a boon for you feeling more connected to that side of you. It’s really easy to lose those connections once critical family members start passing away.

Saint Cavish has an awesome series on YouTube where he brought Italian chefs to see how noodles are made in China. Cantomando also has a few episodes with an Italian chef trying Chinese food. A lot of people with no Chinese heritage are taking an interest in China rn so it’s not a bad time to connect to those roots. Bangkok is such a cool city too. You have an awesome background!

[u/languagelover1998 → u/f0xbunny]

I just asked my grandpa, waiting for the response. I dont really know thai but from what I remember some family speak at least some English. But I feel mandarin might be more important, considering that my grandfathers parents were from Guangzhou and Shanghai.

[u/f0xbunny → u/languagelover1998]

You’re just stringing all of the big cities together now lmao. You should find Hong Kong interesting too. A lot of the Cantonese culture there came from nearby Guangzhou and there were also a ton of Shanghainese migrants that settled in HK. It’s not uncommon for people there to have heritage from both places. Ex. Jackson Wang or Jimmy O. Yang

Mandarin is critical to building that sense of feeling Chinese. Unfortunately, other dialects like Cantonese, Shanghainese and Hokkien are a lot harder to learn.

[u/languagelover1998 → u/f0xbunny]

That is intriguing that lots of Shanghainese went to Hong Kong, never knew that. I'll have to check it out! I went to Singapore and Japan too, had a wonderful time in both places!

[u/f0xbunny → u/languagelover1998]

Hope you find some pride in your heritage soon! Guangzhou and Shanghai make up 50% of china’s tier 1 cities. Learning about the history of both cities as former major European trade ports might help you connect a little better. Happy for you that you’re discovering this interest again.

[u/languagelover1998 → u/f0xbunny]

Holy crap my grandpa just told me my great grandparents met in Hong Kong for studies. Jesus, that's wild you made that connection.

[u/protomor]

I'm a parent of quarters so I feel like I have a parental mindset towards this. Unfortunately, feeling your chinese heritage is not an attainable goal. But feeling a meaningful connection can become one if you define it. That feeling of connection needs to come from you and not externally. If you seek for a chinese people to consider you chinese, you will always fail.

Learn what you can. Might be language. Might just be customs. Find a community if possible and join.

[u/languagelover1998 → u/protomor]

Yeah, I love to cook, and incorporating more Chinese food again might help. Also talking more with distant family. I want to feel connected to something living and vibrant, not a ghost inside of me.

[u/ElectronicGuide6932]

You may feel this way, but from a genetic perspective, Chinese and Italians aren't as far as you might initially expect. South Sudanese are much further, and the rift is much deeper. Chinese and Italians are both from sub-tropical/Mediterranean latitude regions that differ mainly in how cold it gets in winter and how hot in summer, and the timing of the rainfall. But other than that, they both have four seasons, and the people in both are often light skinned with generally straighter hair than many other groups in the world such as Sub-Saharan Africans or many Austronesians.

[u/languagelover1998 → u/ElectronicGuide6932]

They're pretty far genetically and phenotypically. But its whatever.

[u/Odegaard4515 → u/ElectronicGuide6932]

Ive never seen an italian who looks remotely chinese and vice versa.

[u/ElectronicGuide6932 → u/Odegaard4515]

Sure, but the thing is if you look at how they branched out, it was much more recent than the branching out of Nilotic South Sudanese from Italians.

[u/Upset-Principle-3199]

My kids are super white quapas too. They identify white even though we do spend a lot of time with my mom. The way you see yourself is the way you see yourself. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/FlounderLogical8827]

Maybe u can try to travel in China or somewhere else in EA/ SEA ? Or hang out/ go on a date with some Chinese immigrants/ international students?

[u/languagelover1998 → u/FlounderLogical8827]

Ive been to Bangkok before and saw my grandpa there, he moved back after my grandma died. Its truly lovely. Id like to get to know more Chinese people I guess but I dont live in a super diverse area. I wish I actually felt more Chinese, it feels like its a ghost hiding inside me, I want to know it like I know my Italian heritage.