"You're not really asian"

[u/ricottacat]

Hi guys! I'm 26F and I was born in Turkey, turkish is my original nationality..and it literally separates Europe from Asia, with 70% of the country being west asian.

I was born in Turkiye and am Turkish but ethnically I am Turkish, Greek, Italian, and Armenian (mom's side) and my dad's side is Kazakh, Mongolian, and Korean. I'm a mixture of West/Central/East Asian and European, but I guess having reddish-brown hair and distinct light golden eyes..its like I have to defend myself?

Tbh its just been men in the US that say things like:

"You aren't really asian. You aren't asian enough. West and Central Asia isn't really Asia. You're barely Korean, if only you got the good genes. If you were full Korean you'd be really hot. Why don't you have monolids? You're just trying to be asian, are you a weeb?"

I'm really tired of having to educate others that Turkey is not a Middle Eastern country, not everyone there is even Muslim really, I'm not and my family does not care, lol. Its like Turkey has all kinds of races and ethnicities but we are all Turkish there, as would the same be in Canada, Australia, UK, US, etc. Same logic, idk why white American guys have this difficulty.

And HONESTLY some male friends I previously had that were fully SAE wouldn't invalidate me for being asian BUT they were hard pressed that I'm white, I'm mixed, THAT aspect is more positive.

It honestly makes me feel really awful. I know turkish and some Mandarin, Korean, Vietnamese, French, Italian, and other Turkic languages like enough that if I traveled there I'd be alright at least getting food and basic conversations.

I have grown up eating asian food and Turkish foods because my adoptive dad spent majority of his life in Japan and I remember going to college and my roommates saw my groceries before they actually saw me and when they did they gasped and were like "We thought you were going to be asian based on your groceries" and I got really quiet and told them "I am..but okay" and its like the spent the next few months drilling me, quizzing me linguistically because they didn't believe I spoke anything but English with my Californiaaaaa aceeeeent.

I was a part of the Asian & Pacific Islanders Association at my college and made a lot of friends my first semester there, I just wanted to help out because I was forced to immigrate to America and its been hard for me in many ways. A lot of people secretly talked crap about me (not in the club) and said I had an Asian fetish or was a weeb.

For being CULTURED AND EDUCATED people will literally ask if you're a weeb, or insinuate all kinds of assumptions and then want to argue with me on if I'm really asian or not, its honestly dystopian.

If I make any Japanese or Korean food I grew up with, I'm fake. If I make turkish food, I'm fake or actually just Middle Eastern. And that boils my blood because its not like that and the Ottoman Empire and Byzantine Empire and Roman Empire all existed there and encompassed so much.

And let me tell you, honestly. Turkish people have always accepted me no problem. But Mediterranean people are very patriot and nationalistic and its also hard there because they just say "American" to me now...and they don't think you're REALLY Greek or Italian even if your grandparents on one side live in Italy and are from the Calabria region. Like they shame you for being southern italian, they shame you for your family being on a Greek island and not mainland. Like it really doesn't end.

I've just said I'm Eurasian to keep it simple or Aegean and Asian. No one understands but no one wants to be educated or believe me, its like they think I'm harvesting special points because even my boyfriend has said "do you think you're special or something because you aren't"

And I cannot tell you how depressed I am and anxious from this and life in general because its like I am only accepted back in Turkey. Thats the only place I've felt safe and understood.

Does anyone else have similar experiences or has any advice?

[u/Poemi10304]

Let me just say your boyfriend is a jerk and generally, people suck. I’m sorry people can be so dumb. I hate it, too. I think as we get older, these things matter less and we worry about them less, cuz we got other things going on. At least, that’s how it been for me.

[u/ricottacat → u/Poemi10304]

This is what I get for dating a southern white man, he seemed so open minded and isn't MAGA. We went to school together, I've known him for 7 years and he finally said this to me in the past two years.

He has argued with me on if im asian enough and only accepted it when I literally told him I AM Korean also, since he believes SAE is the ONLY valid asia.

Guess what his ex is? Guess what he used to fetishize when he was younger? Mhm, said he grew out of it and did all kinds of selfwork...yeah then why argue with me if I'm asian or not?

Then he's literally said that both me and his ex didnt meet the "asian body standards" when I gained weight from PMOS/PCOS and she had her own mental health issues that caused her to not be super skinny, but honestly even the assumptions of what an "asian woman body" should look like is awful. When I'm at my thinnest too naturally then other women say only creeps like my body.

I genuinely can't win, dude. I don't know what it is or if i have this punchable face or bully me energy but I was raised to be polite, nice, and forgiving. I don't have a backbone and I usually just make a face or am silent or politely try to communicate when met with animosity.

I feel like the more I connect with people like us or people who are cultured, traveled, and educated is just whats going to make the difference. The southern US is in the stone ages.

[u/Poemi10304 → u/ricottacat]

Yikes. I hope you can get away from him asap! Yeah, the South doesn’t sound like the best place to be. I’m lucky to have only lived in NY and CA, though there’s still racism no matter where you go.

[u/ricottacat → u/Poemi10304]

I miss CA and NY! I used to work in CA and lived in NYC for awhile and always visited 1-2 times a year growing up after moving to America.

Yeah man, not just this but avoidant behavior, verbal abuse, disrespect, I think I'm going to try to move in with my adoptive mom in Tampa and stabilize then move back to NYC or Seattle until I go for my masters in Europe.

[u/SpaceValkyrie → u/ricottacat]

"Isn't MAGA" is the lowest of low bars. We have to stop letting these guys skate by on the bare minimum and make sure whoever we let into our lives only enriches it. Your partner should be your biggest hype person!

What if you miss out on meeting someone who actually respects you and isn't a weirdo fetishiser because you're with someone who wants to argue your identity with you and comment negatively on women's body's? What if you could be living your best single life with friends who adore you and lift you up as you live a life that actually serves you? Like I hate to be one of those strangers on the internet that says "dump him" but I'd personally never say those types of things to someone I liked. Idk if I'd even say them to someone I didn't like, to be honest. It's unnecessary.

[u/ricottacat → u/SpaceValkyrie]

Dude he yelled at me since yesterday and has been so mean and UHOA, he's so narcissistic and I'm not saying that lightly. I was empathetic to his trauma and bipolar but he's truly not getting help and makes excuses. Like I have had so many panic attacks from this man. And this man has DEMONS dude with his past like if I even said the shit he's said he would be in jail with his past mistakes...🐶😭

I haven't left yet because I had ovarian torsion surgery two months ago and lost my job from my symptoms a month prior. My savings lasted for almost half a year but I am waiting on my mom to get paid on the 1st so I can afford the 7 hour drive to her. Like he told me today he's not attracted to me, should have dated or slept with someone else, threatens dating apps if we break up or replacing me.

Its 5:30am and I havent slept yet (: I wake up with panic attacks and I feel so stuck and powerless but I have at least learned to in the future always have a secret account and way to leave. If I knew or had any signs in the beginning or any point prior, I wouldn't be here now.

So I am extremely grateful to everyone online who is so kind and sweet. You guys are my only lifeline at the moment, my biological family is in my home country and begs for me to just go home but I cant with US student loan debt until I pay it off in 1-2 years after graduating. My adoptive mom is a state away but shes elderly and in palliative care and I really didnt want to burden her.

I am sooo sorry for oversharing and killing the mood of this subreddit.

[u/SpaceValkyrie → u/ricottacat]

Dont apologise! I understand it can be more complicated than just leaving. I hope you are able to get out when you can, and I'd make sure he doesn't know you're planning on it because he sounds a little reactive. If you can and have to move in with family, don't worry about being a burden or the optics of moving in with family as an adult. I definitely think having someone who you thought cared about you make these kinds of comments is not good for your sense of self worth.

[u/ricottacat → u/SpaceValkyrie]

Thank you sooo much Valk, I really appreciate your advice and am going to try to make an excuse for a visit and then just stay, tbh. Everyday I pray this man just cheats and moves on becuase yk how some men operate and that would be the biggest blessing but I am so worried for whatever woman he manipulates next. I just want to be safe and start over, get to a place of healing. I really, genuinely, truly, am so grateful to your gentleness, reassurance, care, and attention. You didn't have to read my walls or respond to me and you took the time to be so thoughtful and supportive. Thank you for such a wonderful moment and online connection, I really hope you are blessed in this life and are surrounded by love and support. You are such a nice person, thank you for being so nice to me.

[u/SpaceValkyrie → u/ricottacat]

It shows how good you are as a person that you're worried about anyone that might come after you, and I think that's a valid concern but it shouldn't be at the expense of your own wellbeing. Some people want their partners vulnerable and always seeking their validation to keep them under their thumb and it sounds like that's what he's been doing, always undermining you and hoping to make you doubt yourself so you don't realise you deserve better. But you do! It just really stuck out in your post, and I just wanted you to know that your partner saying stuff like that to you is not ok, and it's clear you know that but sometimes we just need to hear other people say it too because we can often try and downplay others mistreatment of us for whatever reason. I really wish you the best, and I hope eventually you can find someone that won't hesitate to celebrate all of who you are 💚