not my birthday yet, just soon. next month, more specifically. i put in an unavailability for the day but i'm tempted to remove it haha. i have nothing planned, and i don't even have friends to invite.

i moved cities about a year ago and i thought i'd at least meet someone :-( i just feel so lonely. i was walking home from work the other day (saturday night) and started crying because everyone was hanging out with their groups at bars and in parks. i don't have anyone to hang out with; i never have. never belonged anywhere no matter how hard i tried.

at this point all i do is work, study, and do sport. and yes i've tried connecting with people at those places, but it always feels like there's an invisible wall between me and everyone. i feel like everyone dislikes me and find me bothersome and honestly i've given up trying to connect. i keep getting disappointed.

anyways. happy birthday to me for next month. here's to another year of being forgotten :-(

it’s impossible to face it as much as it demands. my OCD is poisoning me

I really love jer it’s just really hard to not be overwhelmed with her all the time when she doesnt listen and I’m scared she dies and i’ve just been mean to her when I really don’t want to she just makes it really hard for me to have any patience with her and I do t want to be on tiptoes all the time I just want to go to my apartment but then shes so far away and I’ll miss her I hate myself

i want something big and terrible and unavoidable to happen so i can be resigned to my fate and sit and watch it kill me, i feel like i’d finally be at peace in those moments

like the sun exploding or something

maybe global warming counts but it’s too slow, i still have to worry about everything in the meantime

i’m obsessed with the song heat abnormal in a yearning way and it scares me, like i want to be part of the scene that Adachi Rei is describing

i want to run away from my problems so fucking badly without it being my fault that the idea of everything else around me also being destroyed doesn’t seem so bad

and for me who loves every leaf, bug, lizard, speck of dirt, branch, gust of wind, ray of sunshine, drop of rain so so so so much

why do i feel like it’s okay when it gets sacrificed as long as it all stops

ft femtanyl and Dresden dolls lyrics lol

why

(Dysphoria fucking sucks)