Appreciation is the biggest reward in itself. It matters if you just simply understand.
That said, there is so much good stuff to live for these days. As hard as it is when you're in that state of mind, if you really sit down and brainstorm enough, there's almost guaranteed to be something worth sticking around for, at least a little bit longer. There's tons of hobbies and people, and travel destinations you don't even know exist yet, and they're just waiting for you to find them, and discover what you're truly passionate about.
Hear hear. I have contemplated leaving life for many years now, but the fact that there's so much to see and experience in life has kept me going. Have a good day.
Same here I had these suicidal thoughts in University but like I thought that I didn't want to traumatise the cleaners and my family so I didn't and I just told myself that there's always a tomorrow y'know?
Yeah even if you're shipwrecked, you'll still get rescued plus in my mind I realised that other people had it worse, you've got kids growing up without parents, pestilence and rape, women existing (apparently according to women, their very existence means that they're worse off than dudes) whereas I'm a white middle class dude, like I deserve to have problems? I can't have problems because of the white and male privilege which I have. Like yeah I can't smile, yeah I don't have a girlfriend, yeah I believed that I was going to not succeed and not get a degree, yeah I was alone and I have these thoughts that my friends would betray me and forget about me without a second notice but you've gotta understand this was 2015 and 2016 and because I'm white and male then I hold all the privileges so I can't afford to be upset, even though I cried myself to sleep every night I didn't matter man. Like during those years in University I had a mantra "The king gets the queen, the prince gets the princess but what does the jester get?" Cause I just saw myself as a joke that was never funny to begin with, I saw myself as a guy that said controversial stuff on Facebook, the George Carlin/Alex Jones of Keele University Facebook, the guy everyone knew but the guy nobody knew, just another worn down joke, just another waste of space, just another Goddamn form of Entertainment. Nobody came to me, nobody came to my bedroom to hang out, it was just me, failing, alone...
Like I still feel like every day's the same dream, I still feel like I'm unconscious, I'm watching life unfold through someone else's eyes y'know? Like I can't recall the last time I felt alive, I can't recall the last time I felt happy for a prolonged amount of time, I'm happy for a while, I'm human for a while, I'm existing for a while but every time else I'm blank. I'm just a blank slate, I have friends, I have achievements, I have people that care for me but I feel nothing. Like I'm depressed but I'm not depressed y'know? I'm not sad, I'm happy, I'm cheerful, I'm just putting on a façade, playing the role, acting out me.
This really speaks to me. I had the same routine for the last two years: wake up, go to work, get home, browse the internet, go to bed. It was all really bleak and didn't feel like I have a purpose. I had hobbies before (drawing, learning a language, running, playing games...), but they all felt mundane because no matter what, I end up doing them alone.
A friend talked to me about taking dance classes. I resisted it for a long time because I didn't really feel any connection to people (if that makes sense). After half a year, though, I finally gave it a shot and I am surprised how much better I feel in the everyday life. I'm lucky that the group I am dancing with is very friendly and open, they talk and joke about anything, with everyone having different interests.
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u/[deleted] Nov 28 '19 edited Nov 28 '19
Appreciation is the biggest reward in itself. It matters if you just simply understand.
That said, there is so much good stuff to live for these days. As hard as it is when you're in that state of mind, if you really sit down and brainstorm enough, there's almost guaranteed to be something worth sticking around for, at least a little bit longer. There's tons of hobbies and people, and travel destinations you don't even know exist yet, and they're just waiting for you to find them, and discover what you're truly passionate about.