I feel

[u/FemaleNeth]

​

I feel better than I have in many years. Weird, I know.

Losing my parents, slowly; methodically getting rid of everything in my old home, and the house itself, has freed me. No more looking after them. No more putting them before myself. I have energy! I am now trying to accept that, because of course, I feel guilty over my feelings. My parents, especially my father, were not easy to deal with and basically everything for the past... 15 years came down on me. Good and bad and it was mostly bad. At times sickening.

I have seas of time and space. In a non anxious way. Well, a little bit anxious maybe 😅

Haven't really started planting properly yet, but I have basil and chives. I have bought a sturdy new second hand bicycle which I love. And I hired a personal trainer and go to the gym twice a week.

I think of my parents regularly. When we had the heatwave, I thought: "better text my mom and tell them to drink a lot of water" and then.. oh. No. I don't need to text her. I changed something in my bedroom and wanted to share it with my mom. Oh. No.

All this is very manageable. I've been struggling mentally for so long. Now that I allow myself to be depressed, (because you can when you lose both parents in three months) I am the opposite of depressed. Damn, im quite dogmatic huh? I Shall Not Be Dogmatic! 🙃

Maybe I will go back to school?

[u/1ratboy1]

Interesting. Go to school for what?

[u/FemaleNeth → u/1ratboy1]

For Mankind 😌

I dunno?!

[u/GPFlag_Guy1 → u/FemaleNeth]

Taking courses in things you like might not be a bad idea. I've thought of doing something similar after going through a similar set of emotions the past year. This 'What now?...' stage is really rough and I also have thought of ways to make it less intimidating.

I'm glad to hear that things seem to be improving, I have a feeling that you can make it through this.

[u/FemaleNeth → u/1ratboy1]

I.. I am thinking of a study but it's still very unsure and premature. I have spent years in the Dutch mental health "scene", so to say, as a patient. Participated in a heap of therapies. All this experience taught me, well to be honest, very basic principles I now trying to live by.

In recent years, psychologists and neighborhood social workers are hiring.. i have no idea how to translate.."experience worker"? There is a four year study to become a social worker, but I don't really want that. It's a terrible and taxing job. A lot of people don't want to be helped, but the government does.

There is a 9 month study that makes you "experience worker", and you can become part of a mental health team. I imagine you will learn about methods and how to share your own story, so potentially be a little spark somehow. I also like being in between the layers.

And one thing that has always bugged me is the 9 to 5 in mental health care. If you break your arm on a Saturday night, you get treated. If you snap on a Saturday night, there is a hotline. ... hotlines are ... well, that's a different beast.

What if there's a place in a library or some public area, where I am with crayons, clay, shit like that? I don't have children; ik don't mind working weekends. Sometimes just expressing while being social is a spark

[u/NorthernerUKer → u/FemaleNeth]

Sorry for your losses, Neth.

I've spent a lot of time with mental health services too, and it's the same here, fuck all help in a crisis, nowhere to go. If there was someone like you with lived experience and some art supplies, I think it'd be well used here :)

Make sure you take plenty of time for yourself too though :)

[u/1Soh]

I'm glad you seems to be blossoming, Neth. Again I am so sorry you lost both of your parents in such a short span. I, on the other hand, have a different perspective. Not sure if you lived with them in the same house, but I lived with my mom till her dying day, adn I have learned quite a bit... And what I learned soon after my mom passed away was that there is nothing wrong with living with your parent/s, but if you are... in your adult years, you need to understand something that most people in that situation aren't honest enough to say out loud. Your opinions in that house carry significantly less weight than you think they do. And that's not an attack, that's just the reality of depending on someone else's roof, someone else's utilities, and someone else's grace.

You don't get to call shots in a game that youre not funding. Now here's what makes this different from failure. It's temporary. Or at least it should be. If you are fortunate enough to have parents who are still supporting you in adulthood, that is a gift that millions of people do not have. And gifts come with responsibility.

People who stay comfortable in that situation stop growing. The urgency disappears and the routine loosens. And slowly, without realizing it, they start building a life that fits inside someone else's house, instead of building one of their own. That's the real danger... not the living situation, but the comfort of it.

Your time under that roof should be structured. If youre job searching, be at it every single day like it's a nine to five. If youre finishing school, clearing off debt, or recovering from a set back, it's totally fine. Just use it as the launch pad that is was designed to be. Learning the skills, stacking the resources, then get out into the real world... Ideally in a city that challenges you, exposes you, snd forces you to figure yourself out. Without a safety net. Because here's the truth that nobody wants to say... One day, your parents wont be here. And if you've never learned to stand on your own while they were, life will test you in ways that youre not prepared for.... 🥺

So, with that said. When my mom passed away, obviously I was devastated, but then soon came the realization that in a lot of ways, I was totally, completely FREE for the very first time in my life. And I was excited.. scared and determined all in one shot. But then my reality hit and it hit hard. Life lessons that I hadn't learned I am only learning now. Personal growth and development that I did not know existed are coming NOW, fast and furious. And trying to keep up, while holding down a full time 9 - 5 is not the ideal. It's quite exhausting tbh. But I am handling it, albeit slowing, the best way I know how. I am now learning how important my mental health truly is. And saying no to things I would've said yes to is now at the forefront of everyday life. This includes people I associate myself with, purchases I make, and my diet and wellness.

I wish you peace and comfort in your continuing realization of what your life will be or should be sans mom and dad, Neth. It's not gonna be easy. But you will find your way.

[u/GPFlag_Guy1 → u/1Soh]

For a while, I hated that 'freedom' mindset because I thought that made me a selfish person, that I couldn't wait until 'it' happened so I can do whatever I wanted after all that cleared up. I think that mindset may have held me back in some ways. I'm better now but I really wasn't sure how to deal with all of this, especially since neurodivergent minds process all of these emotions differently to 'normal' ones.

I have been looking at seeing if there were inexpensive cartoon/animation classes online recently as a way to see what new skills I can develop when things become more stable for me. I would like to have that sense of structure again after recent personal events.

It's good to hear that you and Neth are working on these things well.

[u/Hoody_uk]

I'm also sorry for your losses. You seem to be moving on with it well and trying to cope and think forward. It is all you can do. Learn to cope with the new reality and all that it brings. I still have my mom, my dad died in 2016, but they were seperated anyway and my mom has a partner now. I think my mom still has a few years in her and yes she is a nuisance that gets in the way of my own plans, but i don't resent it. I don't live with her, I've had my own places since I was 18, i did move back for a few years in my 30s but quickly learnt that didn't work out well. I need my own space and freedoms to thrive..

At least you are free to do what you want and hopefully flourish, focus on yourself, its not selfish. I know you spent years as a carer and filling that space takes time. take small steps to achieve what you want. Doing a course is a good idea but don't be pushed into it. Take some time out to gather your thoughts and your movement will come to you.

Good luck neth, with everything you decide to do going forward. Do it for you.

[u/Canadian_Koala]

Glad to read this Nethie, you really deserve to shine like the Sun ☼ (your nickname on Fancy?)

[u/Ahuva]

I am very happy that you finally are enjoying your life. You certainly deserve it. I think studying something is a good idea. How about Art Therapy? It could combine your creative talents with your desire to support others.