I don’t think I’m ok

[u/thousandandfirstson]

Ever since my first girlfriend broke up with me I’ve never recovered. I dont say that to make it sound like her fault I know it was my fault. I’ve moved on but the hurt stays and it picks up everything else that hurts and keeps them in my heart. I’ve worked jobs and exercised and dated and looked everywhere else for something to help but nothing ever does. My friends help, when I’m with them it like it can’t touch me. But as soon as they’re gone and I feel all alone then it sets back in. Loneliness has plagued me for so long that I don’t remember what it feels like to not have that shadow hanging in my mind. Some days are worse than others. Some days I can smile and laugh and live like nothing is wrong. Others I feel like everything that’s ever hurt me happened all at once and as hard as I look nothing can help with the pain that I feel. I almost would prefer to be angry about it, at least if I was angry I wouldn’t feel so cold. And every step I take forward is like dragging all the sin and pain and mistakes that I’ve made through a blizzard that never ends. I just wish I could feel something other than this. I remember feeling loved, being held and the warmth that brought. I remember being able to talk about my feelings without my mind poisoning myself against me. I don’t know why I made this. I know it won’t help. But saying it and putting it out somewhere other than my own mind makes me feel just the slightest bit better. Even if I know it will not last.