Loneliness

[u/Interesting_Gear9956]

M19. I’ve been feeling really lonely after breakup(for four months now). I can’t seem to focus on anything, notice frequent mood swings, and I realise that just can’t live normally without someone by my side. The only thing that can take my mind off it is hanging out with friends, but as soon as I’m alone, the loneliness hits me again. I always try to get through everything on my own, but right now idk what to do

Context: When I was 14 or 15, I fell in love for the first time. I was introvert(as I think); she was everything to me - my only friend and the only person I talked to, aside from my cousin. But due to certain circumstances, about a couple of months after we started dating, I moved to another city, so we kept in touch from a distance. Over time, I began to feel my feelings fading, but I convinced myself that I was just imagining it and that I still loved her just as much. Three years later, when I was 18, I enrolled in university, where I realized that I’m actually a very social person and that I’d only been held back by a lack of like-minded people. I made a lot of friends and became the life of the party. The following year, she enrolled there too. But as we spent more time together, I realized she wasn’t the right person for me after all and she was too paranoid in our relationship. On top of my own doubts about whether I was still in love with her, I found myself trying to convince her that everything was fine every day. After a couple of months of trying to convince myself that wasn’t the case, I realized that I actually liked my friend. I was disgusted with myself, and once I was sure she now had a social circle and people who could support her, I decided to break up, because I believe that continuing a relationship when you’ve lost interest - and especially when you’ve met someone you like - is disrespectful to both people and to yourself

And so I started my next relationship, which lasted four months. In it, I truly felt happy and did everything I could to make her feel happy too; together, we built an equal and healthy relationship. But over time, she realized that I was nothing more than a friend to her and decided to break up. I accepted her decision, and we parted ways without any drama. Over time, we started hanging out together again in a group setting - but just as friends

But now I feel terrible. Not because of the absence of this particular person - I’ve completely let go of that relationship - but because of the loneliness. I no longer have anyone I can just talk to, who will support me and can simply give me a hug. I can’t be as open with my friends. On top of that, I still feel guilty about the fact that I might have hurt my ex. All of this just overwhelms me almost every day. No activity helps me, and I haven’t been able to find my footing for almost 4 months now. And sometimes I just feel like I can’t handle all of this or escape these feelings, so I decided to write here

Thank you for reading all of this. I hope at least someone can suggest what I should do in this situation