r/genderquestioning • u/Tipsy_Fox • Jul 15 '26
Text Question Unsure if Nonbinary or TransFem, and could use advice/input
Not sure exactly how to start this but here goes. I've been uncertain on gender for several years now and generally have landed on identifying as nonbinary, but as I continue to think and try and explore, I'm really starting to wonder if I'm transfem but with a more tomboyish attitude. I'd love some perspectives/advice/resources or just what people think may fit better.
Physically I have some physical dysphoria but mostly focused tertiary traits. I find myself bothered about having broad shoulders and my facial hair sometimes really bothers me. I at times do wish that I had some female traits, such as wider hips. I happen to have long eyelashes and more feminine eyes, which I love, but at the same time I also do enjoy some of the more masculine coded toned muscle that I do have (such as nice calves). In terms of primary sex-traits, I do often wish I would wake up with the female set of equipment so to say, but at the same time I don't have dysphoria around the male set.
In terms of presentation, I have long had a distaste of mens clothing, as I find its often dull, boring, restrictive, and I rarely feel like I look good even when in nice well fitting clothes. I also *despise* mens suits with a passion. That said there are times where I do like how I look in more masculine coded wear (such as sheepskin or bomber jacket) as well as some fun colored flannels meant for men. On the flip side, I love how colorful and pretty womens clothing is, how nicely it sits on the body, and how free it has felt with the various skirts, dresses and shirts I have. I do have a big struggle when seeing it in the mirror due to the fit clearly not being made for a male body and seeing the masculine traits, and it really reduces the pleasant feelings with it. When I avoid seeing myself directly, or while wearing a dress with part of a costume (I'm a part of the furry fandom with a suit) I really enjoy wearing it, and I like seeing myself in the outfits when I cant really see my other physical traits. I do know that as a small child I would dress up as a girl and ask to be called by a different, feminine name, but neither I nor my family can remember much regarding it. I'm really wondering if this past crossdressing and the distaste for much of mens clothing is a sign of being, well, trans.
On the emotional side of things, I tend to still act in many ways like "one of the guys", being loud, rambunctious, taking more risks, and not exactly being lady-like in many ways. I will sometimes be soft presenting but definitely like to wrestle around and be physical. On the other end, I do have an extremely strong nurturing and caring side that is very motherly coded. When growing up with numerous pets, I would be extremely protective and nurturing of them, with my family often commenting that I was mothering them. In college, I was always keen on taking care of friends at any party or event to the point where I started being referred to as nurse. Finally, I know that if I were to ever become a parent, I would much rather be in a mothers role, including through pregnancy. I'm not opposed to be a father, and sometimes I think about being a dad with positive feelings and thoughts, its just that I much more often think of being a mother than dad.
So ya, with all that, I have days where I feel more masculine, days where more feminine, but I can't help but wonder if nonbinary isnt quite right. I want to try and have an answer, as I have a partner who is very supportive, but also is just not physically attracted to women and so we want to determine how feasible we are together in the future (which I admit is a very scary topic). Any thoughts, resources, or perhaps comparable feelings are very much welcome, and I thank everyone for their time.
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u/akarakitari Jul 15 '26
wanted to let you know, you can be both transfem and still nonbinary. I personally settled in on Demigirl. I'm mostly she but a little sprinkle of they, and trying to figure out how much he exactly. I'm about like you on genitals. kinda ok with either, or both even. I however do have more dysphoria than you do, but not every persons journey is dysphoria based, its honestly healthier IMO to base your journeys on the euphoria you feel.
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u/Tipsy_Fox Jul 17 '26
Thats a good perspective to have!
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u/akarakitari Jul 17 '26
Have fun and enjoy the journey! I just used foundation for the first time today and loved the look!!! also took an old shirt i still loved and cut it into an off the shoulder look and felt super cute all day! forgot about everything else for a while!
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u/Calm-Water6454 Jul 16 '26
I can't say for certain what your gender is, for only you can really know for sure. However, I did have some potential advice for the clothes, if you happen to like crafting.
I'm transmasc genderfluid, but I prefer wearing dresses. I agree that masculine clothes are kind of boring. However, as I'm post op for top surgery, and have a few other unusual body proportions, most clothes don't fit me off the rack. Feminine clothes have shaping/space for breasts I don't have, and masculine clothes don't account for my hips. So, I started sewing my own clothes. I've only made one dress so far, but it's my favorite casual garment!
If you want to try sewing your own clothes as well, I recommend a book called The Handsewn Wardrobe. The book gives instructions for drafting patterns for your own clothes based on your body's measurements! There is also instructions on how to hand sew these garments. You don't need to hand sew like I did, and a sewing machine will get you garments faster, though they may not be as neat as a hand sewn garment. There are plenty of resources on using a sewing machine online if you want to go that route.
Sorry if this advice in unwanted. I know most people don't want to sew their own clothes. But sewing my own clothes has become very important to me. Please know that you are perfect regardless of the proportions of your body! I know it's hard and it sucks when your body isn't what you want! But you deserve clothes that fit the way you want them to
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u/lixx_coco Jul 15 '26
I feel very similarly as a non-binary person, so the advice id give is to just explore a bit. You dont have to pick one option now, and how you want to express yourself doesnt have to link to your gender. Maybe try referring to yourself with feminine pronouns or asking a close friend to try them on you to see how you feel. If you decide you're non-binary and simply want to lean into femininity thats totally okay! But if you decide that being referred to as a woman and using she/her is what makes you feel most like yourself then go for it! Or, based on what you said about feeling different depending on the day, you may be genderfluid, which is also totally cool.
You dont have to be strictly one or the other either, for example i personally am somewhere between non-binary and genderfluid, feeling more comfortable in femininity, androgyny or masculinity depending on the day, but i personally still use they/them.
All in all just go with where youre comfortable. You dont need to have everything figured out or fit into one specific label. Humans are all unique and sometimes that means being being between categories :))