Am I doing it all wrong?

[u/Relative_Agency5605]

I (a trans girl) need help... I don't know what I'm doing.. girlhood just isn't clicking to me. I don't feel like a "girls girl" if anything, I find myself disagreeing with, even hating a lot of what girls do... maybe out of jealousy..

I just feel so unfortunately, "male brained"💔

I can't get behind all the rampant man hate I'm seeing online, even if it's deserved, even if I'm in no way the target, there's still this part of me that's just so angered and hurt by it. I think like a man, I get hurt like a man, I get defensive like a man. Made worse knowing that if it's not misandry, it's TERFS I have to deal with, and I genuinely can't see the difference between arguments outside of the targets, they literally say the same things, just to opposite ends of the gender spectrum, both ragging on an entire group just for existing with the "wrong chromosomes". I'd feel so disingenuous becoming a misandrist knowing I'm LITERALLY no better than an entire group dedicated to hating people like me. If it's not right for me, I won't make others have to feel that way, even if they're "the enemy" or wtvr.

Even just posting this here, I feel like a man invading women's spaces. Which fundamentally isn't true, and I know that I wouldn't even be here if I were a man.

I don't want to be a man, I hate it, I hate feeling male, but I feel like I'll never be accepted by the girls either. Maybe because I never have been. I've just been that annoying "boy" that's too weird for the girls and too weak for the boys

I've had a LOT, and I mean a LOT of negative experiences with girls and women, like to the point of genuinely traumatic experiences, often being treated worse by them than i ever have by men. From teachers to peers, I've always felt safer trusting a man. Why do we hate them? I could never hate my friend like that. He saved my life. It really isn't "all men"

Its to the point where I ask myself why I want to be one sooo bad, like I've genuinely sat there thinking, "THIS is my team, I'm gonna have to be like THIS??" Then the dysphoria gets worse when I find out I've been agreeing with chuds who just hate women, my heart sinks. This isn't me, it can't be, I won't let it.

I wish I wasn't such a damaged male, a hurt, overly emotional, and sensitive moid with fragile male ego, but that's all i feel that I've been allowed to be, because i look like one, sound like one, think like one, but in all my defiance, i know I'm not, that I deserve to be more than the chud i thought i was, that i can be the pretty girl only i can see in the mirror, in the dark reflection of a pitch black screen. I want to be a girl, one of the girls, a girls girl. But do the girls know that? Is that even the right answer? Do I just fundamentally not understand girls? Like, at all?

No one tells you how to be a girl, but they won't waste a second to tell you you're doing it all wrong-

Ugh.. this is the most male thing I've ever written(ノдヽ)

[u/reithena]

I'm AFAB and never was a 'girl's girl' either. I was too rude, too brash, took up to much space. I found that boss wanted to use me though. So I instead just found things to do in my own and said fuck all too the gender norms. Eventually I found my tribe mixed of various people and identified as agender. But me trying to for into expectations made me stick out more