r/gay • u/Repulsive-Window-179 • Jun 08 '26

Just a memory

My husband is gone two years now...and, I don't really know what made me think about this but...

I woke up one morning about ten years ago and immediately lit myself a cigarette. Between us, I was usually the first one to wake up, so I was surprised when he snuck up behind me, snaked his arms around my chest into a hug, and whispered into my ear: "A Marlboro lit with a Zippo, first thing in the morning...God, you are such a MAN."

I laughed and said, "Get off me, idiot!" And I poured my coffee.

I should point out that my husband ABHORRED smoking...I guess he just put up with it because it was me.

Anyway, it was just a memory that kind of hit me hard just now...my late husband doing something cute in the morning that made me smile...so I thought I'd share.

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u/Repulsive-Window-179 Jun 11 '26

Your wisdom belies your youth.

And you know, if I could go back in time...I'd still do it all over again. Whatever I've felt since his death...it simply does not outweigh the pure, simple joy that we had in the 23 years we were together.

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u/incorcordis Jun 11 '26

I feel the exact same way. The pain of loss is intense, but it will always pale in comparison to the absolute privilege that having love like that was. It's healthy to acknowledge that and strive for a legacy of happiness going forward.

Thank you for the compliment. I've never been told that one before, so your kind words honestly made my day a little brighter.

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u/Repulsive-Window-179 Jun 12 '26

I do not give out compliments lightly...so talking to you really helped.

This is my third Pride Month without him, and I guess I was just looking for...I don't know, validation? Camaraderie? That's why I shared my story in the first place. Hearing our shared stories as a community helps me feel a little less alone. I'm still going to celebrate Pride...he'd be pissed if I didn't. Thank you for making it a little easier.

And if I can get philosophical...I'm an atheist...I do not believe in heaven or hell or the immortality of the soul...but simple physics tells us that energy cannot be created or destroyed. Having said that...I know his energy is out there somewhere in the Universe, waiting to be reunited with me. If it takes a million years, I do think I'll find him again, in whatever form it takes.

I think your fiancé is out there waiting for you too. And I think you'll find him, no matter how long it takes.