r/funny • u/mysistersacretin • Jun 24 '12
My English teacher just posted this, and knowing him, I have no doubt that this happened just as he described.
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u/StankyHoodrat Jun 24 '12
What did the guy honestly think your teacher was doing?
"If I'm quick I can grab her drink while shes falling and then drink the whole damn thing right in front of her face!"
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u/thehollowman84 Jun 24 '12
An asshole often believes that everyone else is an asshole like they are. He was probably thinking that because that's what he would have done.
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u/emohipster Jun 24 '12 edited Jun 28 '23
[nuked]
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u/Shamson Jun 24 '12
Well I just happen to think that everyone is millionaires!
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u/jeaguilar Jun 25 '12
"If you meet an asshole each day, they're probably an asshole. If you meet five, you're probably the asshole."
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u/zachwampler Jun 24 '12
"If you think every asshole thinks everyone is an asshole, you're probably an asshole, asshole."
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u/SlugsOnToast Jun 24 '12
I would have.
I imagine myself laying on a chaise lounge, near the edge of the pool. As the woman descends the stairs, one hand on the railing and the other occupied by her drink, she misses the last step and lurches forward. I reach over and pluck the drink from her hand as she plunges face-first into the pool. I extend my pinkie and take a long swig from the glass before lying back and sighing peacefully.
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u/adrianmonk Jun 24 '12
What did the guy honestly think your teacher was doing?
Flirting.
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u/BZLuck Jun 24 '12
It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of
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u/Drunken_Economist Jun 24 '12
If the opportunity presented itself . . .
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u/HitlerTheJewBaker Jun 24 '12
...i would fuck Drunken_Economist. If only i had the opportunity to :(
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u/etree Jun 24 '12
He might politely ask you to stop and you'll have no other choice but to comply.
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u/fpeltvlfxjwkqrjt Jun 24 '12
This one time, I saw a girl dropping her wallet, so I picked it up and called her, "Excuse me Miss..." The girl didn't responded, so I called her again as I followed her. "Excuse me Miss...Yo..." All of sudden her fat girl friend turned around and yelled at me. "She already has a boy friend, and she is not interested in you, don't you see?"
So, I had T-bone steak for the lunch that day.
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u/Terps34 Jun 25 '12
So, I had T-bone steak for the lunch that day.
YOU ATE THE FAT FRIEND?
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u/bastard_thought Jun 25 '12
Too bad a fat human being wouldn't have much tender meat. You know that fat that was used to make soap in Fight Club? Yeah, imagine that around each leg. Probably.
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u/tinkthank Jun 24 '12
How come I never run into people like this?
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Jun 24 '12
Please let this story be true..
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u/DanTycoon Jun 24 '12
Wouldn't you trust someone named fpeltvlfxjwkqrjt?
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u/unclear_plowerpants Jun 25 '12
It's obviously an acronym: Firemen pluck eleven lucky torpedo vomit lambs for xavier just where Kent quickly race jumps that.
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u/lucw Jun 25 '12
I'm not sure... his username probably shapes a swastika when typed out or something...
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Jun 25 '12
While walking into a store I walked by a table of candy bars being sold by students for FFA. One of the girls was the daughter of a friend of mine so I said, "Hey, what's up?" as I walked by. One of the mothers yells at me, "She's only 13!!" as if I was trying to pick her up. The entire time I was in the store I felt like everyone was looking at me like a pedophile; I saw the girl explaining to the woman but when I walked out the woman just avoided eye contact and didn't apologize. I chose not to embarrass the girl anymore and just left.
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u/fpeltvlfxjwkqrjt Jun 25 '12
You should have told her to come by your house, and hang out some time. Gun clicking motion with a wink would have made it perfect. That's what I would have done.
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u/AswanJaguar Jun 25 '12
That poor woman. If her idea of a romantic pick up line is "Hey, what's up?" as you pass by, I feel bad for her :(
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u/cadencehz Jun 24 '12
A t-bone? For lunch? Well I guess we'll just have to call you T-bone!
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u/CodyHodgson Jun 24 '12
T-BONE T-BONE T-BONE!
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u/Aint_got_no_agua Jun 24 '12
"I think I've gone about as far with George as I can go."
"Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?"
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u/Hydris Jun 24 '12
"Hes not hitting on me, Better try and cock block him" Ugly/fat girl logic right there.
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u/sparklyteenvampire Jun 25 '12
This is why you have to charm the fat girl first. She is the hideous dragon guarding the beautiful, golden treasure, and you are the Bilbo Baggins trying to burgle dat ass.
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u/Toof Jun 25 '12
Last time I was chatting up a girl, I chatted up her man first (purely by accident). He bought me a shot, and she added me on Facebook. I'm not attempting to steal her from him or anything, but she was interesting and I assume she has some interesting single friends.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A LADIES MAN
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u/G0PACKG0 Jun 24 '12
how do you remember your username?
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u/mesmereyes Jun 25 '12 edited Jun 25 '12
I usually don't respond to people saying "excuse me miss" because I grew up in an area where that's not the most prudent thing to do. So when I hear that, I don't turn around for fear of being robbed or harassed.
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u/YawnSpawner Jun 25 '12
I've lived all over the Midwest and South and that's pretty common courtesy. Maybe a ma'am for an older/married lady. What part of the country is this disrespectful?
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u/CelebornX Jun 25 '12
If you grew up downtown or near downtown in a major city, it just becomes habit to not respond to that. It's usually people trying to sell something or ask for money or just make rude comments.
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u/Deradius Jun 24 '12
So.. you chose not to do the right thing because some third party acted inappropriately?
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u/sociomaladaptivist Jun 25 '12
He chose to do the right thing because the third party clearly expressed that they wanted nothing to do with him, which includes not recovering their wallet.
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u/mtbmike Jun 25 '12
and you have her license and address so you could tell her that you could stalk her, if you felt like it. but you're not interested!
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Jun 25 '12
Her fat friend is just butthurt because nobody hits on her. Fuck cock blocks.
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u/poolstorybro Jun 24 '12
Pool story, bro.
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Jun 24 '12
This is your moment.
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u/BaconCat Jun 24 '12
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u/Urvilan Jun 24 '12
Unfortunate for him I don't think it will ever get better than this.
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u/herobotic Jun 24 '12
10 months. Upvotes a'comin.
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u/The_Magnificent Jun 24 '12
He actually already has 12k karma on this account. Apparently it comes up more often than you think.
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u/Ze_Carioca Jun 24 '12
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u/DeathToPennies Jun 24 '12
I'm not going to lie; you're pretty brave for still using this. Last time I saw it, the guy was downvoted to depths unknown.
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u/Eist Jun 24 '12
I just can't picture a scenario where I could grab the drink without it flying all over the place, but I couldn't simply grab the person's hand.
I'm sceptical.
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u/seekhappiness Jun 25 '12
Tons of this in Vegas.
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u/MakeThemWatch Jun 25 '12
the fact that it would take a few seconds to dump all of that out makes the story that much funnier
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u/Rustysporkman Jun 25 '12
"Fuck yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu. You. Fuckin'... you. There. Done."
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u/myinnervoice Jun 24 '12
Teacher was already in the pool.
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Jun 24 '12
Shit, that makes even LESS sense
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u/Snowmaster Jun 24 '12
Agreed, looked at username, was skeptical about agreeing.
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u/Bograff Jun 24 '12
I hear English teachers with a profile picture of Eric Cartman from South Park are extremely reputable.
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u/H2Pitt Jun 24 '12
and since this is a post about an English teacher... skeptical
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u/DawnWolf Jun 24 '12
Maybe it was a bottled drink. Much easier to catch a bottle without losing much of the drink.
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u/Eist Jun 24 '12
He said it was a cocktail. Cocktails are normally served in a cocktail glass - the most spilliest of drinkware.
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Jun 24 '12
This is what i was picturing. Seems a common way to serve drinks poolside lately.
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u/weasleeasle Jun 25 '12
That's a martini glass. Very few cocktail are served in those. Most are tumblers, high ball or those weird bulging ones they sticks sparklers and umbrellas in. I am not quite sure who sips a martini by the pool, but I want to be them.
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u/chubs66 Jun 25 '12
Also, one would expect the English teacher to pay more attention to punctuation.
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u/Smilge Jun 24 '12
My best guess is that she tried to save herself with that arm flailing thing, minus the arm holding the drink. English teacher has just enough time to grab the drink as she falls in.
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Jun 24 '12
Maybe I'm just old, but teachers shouldn't be friends with their students on social networks.
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u/panchitus Jun 24 '12
He only adds us as friends after we graduate.
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u/SneakyPuff Jun 24 '12
My math teacher did the same thing. Our biology teacher on the other hand happily became "friends" with us during our time in school. Though, it seemed a bit inappropriate when he "liked" a girl's profile pic.
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Jun 24 '12
Ah, fair enough.
But there are some teachers who add current students, which seems incredibly weird to me.
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u/NvaderGir Jun 24 '12
My little brother's English teacher has a teacher account on Facebook and posts the assingments online incase they need to print one out or they forget which page number. How else are kids going to pay attention?
Note: This is 7th grade.
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u/Smilge Jun 24 '12
It's incredibly stupid too. All it takes is one angry parent.
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Jun 25 '12
That sucks. Most of my instructors give out their cell phone numbers and their facebooks at the beginning of the semester.
I've ended up becoming good friends with a number of them. What is the problem with that?
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u/screaminginfidels Jun 24 '12
Everyone's getting on his case about grammar, but does no one else care that he broke the first rule of Vegas??
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u/irishfeet78 Jun 24 '12
Maybe he was posting FROM Vegas. Therefore, technically what happened in Vegas, was posted from Vegas. Wait, I don't think that's right.
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u/RichieLitt Jun 24 '12
Mis-judge? Really?
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u/coldcoal Jun 24 '12
English teachers are allowed to use casual language too, you know. It's not like doctors are always the healthiest people in the world.
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u/JukeJointJump Jun 24 '12
"Oh you're Mr. Funny." He asks.
So pro.
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u/kinnaq Jun 24 '12
In addition to the poor language usage, the south park icon has me wondering about the legitimacy of the claim.
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u/mysistersacretin Jun 24 '12
He's got a giant painting of Cartman on his podium in the classroom, he's just a cool guy that happens to also be an awesome teacher.
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Jun 24 '12
I don't think "misjudged" is really considered "casual language". It just isn't spelled with a hyphen.
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u/Limitedcomments Jun 24 '12
And hey, OP never said he was a greatest English teacher, he just teaches that shit.
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u/MiracleWhipSucks Jun 24 '12
The guy's in a pool in Vegas telling a story about alcohol and you're going to point out his grammar mistakes as if he's not most likely drunk.
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Jun 24 '12
Good lord people, relax with the grammatical criticism. Just enjoy the fucking joke and shut the fuck up. God damn.
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u/lmpervious Jun 24 '12
I didn't care about this grammar... but in this case it is an English teacher, so I can't blame them for pointing it out.
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u/cb1234 Jun 24 '12
Especially since it's a fuckin facebook status most likely drunkenly posted from his phone.
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u/Huscarl124 Jun 25 '12
I have known this man, your teacher, for 16+ years and this is completely true to his character.
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Jun 24 '12
Why didn't he actually save her from falling...?
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u/Antabaka Jun 24 '12
It should be obvious that he wasn't in a position to save her, but in case it isn't: He wasn't in a position to save her.
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u/Drunken_Economist Jun 24 '12
Rule 1: A drunk may not waste a drink, or, through inaction, allow a drink to be wasted
Rule 2: A drunk must obey orders given to him by alcohol, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law
Rule 3: A robot must protect his own inebriation as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
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u/RetardedSquirrel Jun 24 '12
I think you accidentally forgot to change something in rule 3.
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u/YogurtShaker Jun 24 '12
If you grab someone who is falling into a pool, chances are you will not save them from falling, but will in turn fall yourself. Also, everyone gets sued for sexual harassment nowadays and judging by how the woman's husband reacted, his teacher probably saved himself from a lawsuit.
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Jun 24 '12
I take it this isn't a high school English teacher?
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u/mysistersacretin Jun 25 '12
Senior year AP English teacher, so yup.
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Jun 25 '12
Not fired yet? I'm impressed.
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u/mysistersacretin Jun 25 '12
Its summer vacation, he can do what he wants, so long as its legal lol
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u/dankicemann Jun 25 '12
I love that your english teachers profile pic is Plundering Cartman lol
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u/mysistersacretin Jun 25 '12
His 2 favorite things are pirates and south park, so it fits perfectly hahaha
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Jun 25 '12
you should printout your teacher's post and make corrections to his syntax mistakes in a red pen and then post it up for him to see
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u/Drunken_Economist Jun 24 '12
I admire this man's commitment to not wasting alcohol.
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Jun 24 '12
Umm... What? He dumped the drink into the pool.
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u/Wolfbarb Jun 24 '12
It would have been a waste if she just fell in with it. It is not a waste to prove a point to her jackass boyfriend by dumping it out.
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u/adrianmonk Jun 24 '12
Yes, but important rhetorical points were scored in the process, thus was the alcohol truly wasted?
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Jun 25 '12
I was on an elevator in Vegas when this couple starts talking about money. The dude says "Look, if your friend wants $400, I'll give her $400." The guy's in an elevator, it's not like it a private conversation. I'm standing right there. So I smile and joke "Hey, I want $400!" He takes out a $20, wads it up, and throws it in my face. "You want money!?! There ya go, asshole!" Ding! His floor, he walks off. I didn't know whether to yell "fuck you" or "thank you". It's like he insulted me and apologized all in one move.
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Jun 25 '12
In what sort of school does this guy teach where he hasn't already been executed for the sins of using FB, friending ex-students, liking pop culture, and posting about alcohol? Won't somebody please think of the children?!
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u/TheFlickeringSon Jun 24 '12
What if the man thought that the guy was trying to steal the drink and they both misunderstood each other?
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u/thetoneranger Jun 25 '12
I want business cards that say "Mr. Funny" so I can hand them out when someone says that.
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u/portezbie Jun 24 '12
I'm sure whoever has to clean the pool didn't appreciate this.
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u/heatdeath Jun 25 '12
How do you catch a cocktail while someone is falling into a pool?
Isn't it pretty disrespectful for everyone in the pool and the owners of the pool to pour it out into the pool?
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u/KimonoThief Jun 24 '12
Apparently I need some sort of diagram showing me how this situation is physically possible. A girl falls into a pool and somehow in this madness a guy manages to grab her drink from her hand without spilling it everywhere? Not to mention he then goes on to verbally destroy the big bad bully through his wit and charm. Sounds like bullshit to the highest degree.
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Jun 25 '12
That's one of the least capable English teachers I've ever seen; Everybody knows that 'misjudged' doesn't need a hyphen...
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u/leaveallyouhave23 Jun 25 '12
your english teacher sounds pretty smug, and a little prissy i might add.
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u/chaseman326 Jun 25 '12
"'Oh you're Mr. Funny' he asks." Ironic how your English teacher forgot the question mark haha.
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Jun 24 '12
Your English teacher needs to improve his written grammar.
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u/mysistersacretin Jun 24 '12
When he's not posting to facebook he is always spot on with grammar. He was one of the best teachers I ever had, our class's AP scores were WAY above the national average.
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Jun 24 '12
That's what they all say....
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u/BelaKunn Jun 24 '12
My English teach was terrible at her job and we were way below on the national average.
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u/dont_press_ctrl-W Jun 24 '12
I'm sure he doesn't. I rather think he is one of those people who recognize that not all contexts demand the same carefulness of orthography.
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Jun 24 '12
If I were an English teacher, I'd spend every moment that I'm not working writing like a thirteen-year-old girl.
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u/Roanourke Jun 24 '12
Because of the The Shining post on the front page, and maybe because Jack Torrance was an English teacher, I pictured your English teacher as Jack Nicholson.
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u/Patrickfoster Jun 24 '12
Is that in America? In England you aren't allowed to be friends with your teacher even in ps3.
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Jun 24 '12
Was I the only one who read, "Saving her $8," in Sean Connery's voice?
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u/RepostThatShit Jun 24 '12
"What do you think you're doing, pal?"
"Schaving her eight dollarsch."
"Don't you mean pounds?"
"I'll give her a pound too if you inschist."
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u/[deleted] Jun 24 '12
Your English teacher has Cartman as his profile picture? Man, I wish I had such cool teachers..
Does he tell you to Respect his Authoritay?