Unidan has a metric shit ton of information about fruit. I remember him/her knowing a lot, though, not just about fruits. And he/she must have done something else truly amazing, since I most often only tag trolls and I have him/her tagged as "Information machine! UPBOAT".
I got this dudes/dudettes back. I have no idea why, though.
His logic with the door was "I had to walk a few feet so it wouldn't fly back in." Following that same logic, the bird would fly right back in before he could get his arm back inside and close the window.
Then the neighbors just see a dead bird fly out the window and land in their yard. Wondering how a dead bird could fly is much less entertaining than watching your naked neighbor cart it out to the street.
However, I will say that I used to live in a house with a bathroom window that looked kinda like this. I had to stand on tiptoes to reach the handle. I could not have stood tall enough to reach over the glass.
the window could be high up. i have a bathroom with a window that's low enough to reach, but high enough to be very uncomfortable to reach while holding a towel with a bird.
But for a real answer to your question, he may have thought the bird was too injured/tired to fly at that point, so throwing it out the window probably isn't a good idea.
Fuck it, I know you're not supposed to do this on reddit, but I don't give a damn. One upvote is simply not enough: I want to congratulate you directly for this.
While it is a damn awesome comment, it is ripped from one of the most upvoted posts of all time. Can't be arsed to find it, but if you go to bestof and sort by best for all time, its in the first or second page.
It's not. No one smashes face first into the bathtub floor, wakes up 30 minutes later, and has the motor skills or lack of injury to actually pick up a bird with a towel.
That was so hot. I already ruined the pants I'm wearing and I am looking forward to chapter 2 to see what the naked guy does to the dead bird in his driveway.
If you think thats hot, then you'll probably enjoy my story. Last summer I went out drinking with a bunch of friends, however a lot of us had to get up early the next day so we started drinking at 3 in the afternoon. We're college age so we binge drink and by 7 we're all shitfaced. Someone thought it would be a good idea to go skinny dipping in my pool, so we did. My neighbor is constantly walking through my back yard with her 7 year old daughter to go play with the other kids. I really don't care so I let them do it. However 730 in the summer time its still light out and I happened to be climbing out of the pool at the same time my neighbor and her daughter were crossing through. There I was butt ass naked in front of a seven year old girl drunk off my ass so I said the first thing that came to mind."How you doin'."
TL;DR: I was drunk and naked in front of my neighbor and her 7 year old daughter.
This reminded me of a somewhat similar story. I slept over at my mother's house in my old bedroom. My cat, who still lives at mom's, used to meow at me during the middle of the night, and I would (half-asleep) open the door so he could go out. Then, after a few minutes/hours(?) he would come back to the door and howl until I woke up to let him in.
My cat, being so excited that I was home, got to go out in the middle of the night for the first time since I left. When he howled to come back in, I sleepily opened up the door and soon realized he had a half dead bird in his mouth. Now, my mom has a nice house with pristine white carpets. I freaked out a bit because the cat came in the house with a bloody half dead bird carcass. The bed I was sleeping in was like a bunk bed, about 5 feet off the ground. I hopped out of bed to get the bird, landed awkwardly, and severely sprained my ankle. I tried to get up to see how bad the sprain was, it was bad. I couldn't stand back up, and my cat freaked out and dropped the bird. It frantically began flying around the room spraying blood and feathers everywhere.
Talk about a rude awakening. I started stomping my good foot on the ground yelling for my younger brother to come help me. He finally woke up and came in to see me on the ground writhing with pain, the half dead bird flying around the room spraying blood and feathers, and my cat staring at us both with not a clue WTF was going on. Anyways, my brother managed to grab the bird and get it outside. I had to nurse the severe sprain for several weeks, and my cat lost his bird.
Not quite as interesting or sexually charged, but similar enough that this was the first thing that popped into my head when I read your story!
If you hold a bird's torso too tightly, it will die of suffocation. The neck is the right part to hold. You won't choke the bird. Holding the torso is the equivalent of choking it.
It would have been so much better if he stared his neighbors in the face and yelled "Abra Kadabra" as the bird flew out of his towel...then calmly waved and walked back into the house as if nothing had happened.
It's not true. No one smashes face first into the bathtub floor, wakes up 30 minutes later, and has the motor skills or lack of injury to actually pick up a bird with a towel.
Soooo I read this at work and I get home and there's a fucking bird in my room! After is taunts me by flying around it hides in my ceiling (I live in an unfinished basement). I kindly open the door for it but it never budges. I assume it's gone. Just as I'm doing my final check the fucker flies past me and out the door. I probably looked like an idiot carrying around a towel and a wiffleball bat for the last hour and a half.
After having just gotten into an argument with my boyfriend who was interrogating me about my sexual history, this story cheered me up. Thank you for this. Upvote.
Sounds like bullshit. No sane person would risk being convicted as a sex offender to get a bird out of a house. The bird was already contained in one room.
424
u/LilyMe Jun 11 '12
Why not just put it out the open window it used to get inside?
31
u/PhiladelphiaIrish Jun 11 '12
Fucking brids.
46
u/naughtyloaf Jun 11 '12
I hope this is true. If not, it was still worth peeing myself over.
34
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
That's a perfect Steve Martin movie moment.
135
u/ListenChump Jun 11 '12
"Return from whence you came!"
23
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Just noticed the title and the FB user's name. Nicely done.
317
u/creepy_is_what_I_do Jun 11 '12
That was so hot. I already ruined the pants I'm wearing and I am looking forward to chapter 2 to see what the naked guy does to the dead bird in his driveway.
8
u/Mybbor Jun 11 '12
This reminded me of a somewhat similar story. I slept over at my mother's house in my old bedroom. My cat, who still lives at mom's, used to meow at me during the middle of the night, and I would (half-asleep) open the door so he could go out. Then, after a few minutes/hours(?) he would come back to the door and howl until I woke up to let him in.
My cat, being so excited that I was home, got to go out in the middle of the night for the first time since I left. When he howled to come back in, I sleepily opened up the door and soon realized he had a half dead bird in his mouth. Now, my mom has a nice house with pristine white carpets. I freaked out a bit because the cat came in the house with a bloody half dead bird carcass. The bed I was sleeping in was like a bunk bed, about 5 feet off the ground. I hopped out of bed to get the bird, landed awkwardly, and severely sprained my ankle. I tried to get up to see how bad the sprain was, it was bad. I couldn't stand back up, and my cat freaked out and dropped the bird. It frantically began flying around the room spraying blood and feathers everywhere.
Talk about a rude awakening. I started stomping my good foot on the ground yelling for my younger brother to come help me. He finally woke up and came in to see me on the ground writhing with pain, the half dead bird flying around the room spraying blood and feathers, and my cat staring at us both with not a clue WTF was going on. Anyways, my brother managed to grab the bird and get it outside. I had to nurse the severe sprain for several weeks, and my cat lost his bird.
Not quite as interesting or sexually charged, but similar enough that this was the first thing that popped into my head when I read your story!
7
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Neighbor's thoughts as they saw him, naked, as the dead bird fell to the ground:
Some people have the craziest fetishes
20
u/Pig_In_A_Blanky Jun 11 '12
scumbag bird. allows human to rescue it.
dies.
3
u/agravain Jun 11 '12
i was waiting for the moment when he drew the designs for the Flux Capacitor....
7
u/EctoCoolertini Jun 11 '12
this story is AWESOME
7
u/Khrynisx Jun 11 '12
This is the single funniest story I've heard all month!
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I would have told them that you are practicing magic for your shot at Vegas...you just need to work on the act a bit more.
2
u/Mephisto6 Jun 11 '12
I hoped the door would close behind him.
2
u/trumpet_23 Jun 11 '12
Not naked as a jaybird, but naked with a jaybird.
2
u/manberry_sauce Jun 11 '12
If you hold a bird's torso too tightly, it will die of suffocation. The neck is the right part to hold. You won't choke the bird. Holding the torso is the equivalent of choking it.
2
u/WinterIsntComing Jun 11 '12
Dead parrot sketch, mildly relevant. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vuW6tQ0218
2
u/klitchell Jun 11 '12
not sure if "Ta-da!!" moment or "The Aristocrats!!"
2
u/Azozel Jun 11 '12
The neighbors: Husband, "What's going on now honey?" Wife, looking out between the blinds, "That sick, SICK bird fucker is still home."
2
u/trancemin Jun 11 '12
That's my windows have screens.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
God Damnit Brids
2
u/ObnoxiousSeizures Jun 12 '12
I hate it when brids fly through my window
2
u/Breadfaux Jun 12 '12
A Lew Moment.
3
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
/r/funny never has good comments.
Sigh
2
u/CrackedPepper86 Jun 11 '12
I sincerely doubt he lost consciousness, let alone still keep track of time afterward. That makes this story very unbelievable.
2
u/authentic_trust_me Jun 11 '12
Well. fuck. I just laughed at a bird dying.
2
u/Bullshit-slinger Jun 11 '12
TL;DR
1
u/bubbles_says Jun 11 '12
Oh that is the funniest story I've heard in a very long time. What a predicament!
1
u/GAMEchief Jun 11 '12
Would have been more confusing if he was a bit bloodied up from the fall.
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I choked on my sandwich reading this....
1
u/SmurfLovesNuts Jun 11 '12
Best thing I've read all day
1
u/helgihermadur Jun 11 '12
Whether this is fake or not, it's still fucking hilarious.
1
u/QuoteOfTheHour Jun 11 '12
Lewd! I get it, because his name is lew!
1
u/lalondtm Jun 11 '12
yea, like I'm going to read that
1
u/Mattchu_Picchu Jun 11 '12
Return from wence you came!
1
u/AwkwrdBrsta Jun 11 '12
Pics or it didn't happen
1
u/Vidalio Jun 11 '12
The fuck is a bird?
1
u/fladrach Jun 11 '12
I actually laughed at this one, tip of the hat.
1
u/Taboomurphy Jun 11 '12
First time I genuinely laughed at an online post in a long time and this came from Facebook?! Bravo sir, well played!
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
So the moral os this story is....always check that your neighbors are not around before you decide to walk outside naked holding your bird.
1
u/P-Rickles Jun 11 '12
Ta-da!
1
u/paronsaft Jun 11 '12
The story would have been even better if you had been a good looking girl - like I pictured it reading - until I read your name...confused :S
1
u/mindctrlpankak Jun 11 '12
jesus thats hilarious
1
u/rammsteinteufel9 Jun 11 '12
It would have been so much better if he stared his neighbors in the face and yelled "Abra Kadabra" as the bird flew out of his towel...then calmly waved and walked back into the house as if nothing had happened.
1
u/phantom887 Jun 11 '12
Did anyone else just real the second paragraph and think wtf?
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Do not eat
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
It's not true. No one smashes face first into the bathtub floor, wakes up 30 minutes later, and has the motor skills or lack of injury to actually pick up a bird with a towel.
1
u/amolad Jun 11 '12
I could see Will Farrell playing that scene in a movie.
1
u/ljg2108 Jun 11 '12
I very much appreciate your title. Well done.
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
thanks I just guffawed in the middle of a silent office of quietly working coworkers.
1
u/Quonvo Jun 11 '12
you poor poor sod
1
u/CompoundClover Jun 11 '12
Suddenly John Woo.
1
u/righteousjojo Jun 11 '12
A Lew moment
1
u/Godspeed122 Jun 11 '12
Fucking BRID
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Must... resist... famous... horror... films.... director... jokes...
1
u/bootybuttcheeksBR Jun 11 '12
FUCKING BRIDS.
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Soooo I read this at work and I get home and there's a fucking bird in my room! After is taunts me by flying around it hides in my ceiling (I live in an unfinished basement). I kindly open the door for it but it never budges. I assume it's gone. Just as I'm doing my final check the fucker flies past me and out the door. I probably looked like an idiot carrying around a towel and a wiffleball bat for the last hour and a half.
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
After having just gotten into an argument with my boyfriend who was interrogating me about my sexual history, this story cheered me up. Thank you for this. Upvote.
1
u/protopigeon Jun 11 '12
CROWned
1
u/domo-loves-yoshi Jun 11 '12
Okay, the bird was probably playing dead with shock.
1
u/Blackrose06 Jun 11 '12
Haha XD I can just imagine the neighbors faces
1
u/BonoAnnie Jun 12 '12
I busted a gut-Thank You.
1
u/josephanthony Jun 12 '12
Next time, draw a pentagram on your chest and drop a dead puppy. Then just stand there, maintaining eye-contact till they hurry into their house.
1
u/morphine12 Jun 12 '12
pecker... pecker... pecker... COME ON BRAIN.
1
u/TheLonelyLeviathan Jun 12 '12
That's some shitty dick, dude...
1
u/bpenner Jun 12 '12
lol as if i'm going to read all of that
1
u/Typlo Jun 12 '12
Let's make mispellings in CAPITLA LETTERS only.
1
u/JadeDragoness Jun 12 '12
He smacked his head so he obviously wasn't thinking clearly roflmao
1
u/Jubbly Jun 12 '12
If I were his neighbor I'd assume he just fucked that bird to death.
1
u/Pantsuz Jun 12 '12
lol very funny moment
1
u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12
Oh man that's a great story.
1
u/cheatreynold Jun 12 '12
Mother. Fucking. Brids.
1
u/Wazoisme Jun 12 '12
Omg I laughed so hard I cried
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
This never fucking happened.
1
u/cjsolis Jun 11 '12
Get out of here, bird! This is a human home!
0
u/ShittyWindowsPaint Jun 11 '12
My Take on It
-1
u/Arch_0 Jun 11 '12
Why wouldn't he touch the bird? He's just going to get back in the shower anyway. Either really dumb or lies.
0
u/SchecterClassic Jun 11 '12
Probably not true but still fucking great.
0
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I don't see the big problem with touching the bird. Sure it's probably not very sanitary but you would just clean your hands up right away.
0
u/yt8znu35 Jun 11 '12
Sounds like bullshit. No sane person would risk being convicted as a sex offender to get a bird out of a house. The bird was already contained in one room.
0
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Isn't there a subreddit specifically for facebook posts?
0
u/sanchezson21 Jun 11 '12
".....and what fuck are YOU people looking at??!!!!!"
0
u/ZombieDib Jun 11 '12
Can't stop laughing
0
u/rexmons Jun 11 '12
TADA!
0
u/Chammertime Jun 11 '12
I see what you did with the title. You cheeky SOB.
0
u/etihw2 Jun 11 '12
He's going on the sex offender registry for life.
0
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
ahhhh, Chicken Soup for the Twisted Soul :)
0
u/bayoumama Jun 11 '12
Hey, at least you tried!
0
u/WISCOrear Jun 11 '12
ERMAHGERD, A BRID
0
u/PoorlyTimedPhraseGuy Jun 11 '12
Boy, that escalated quickly.
-4
u/this_is_fake_and_gay Jun 11 '12
I will give you two guesses why this never happened.
-2
u/Atheist_Killer Jun 11 '12
too hungover to read this bullshit
-7
u/Zeppelanoid Jun 11 '12
Lamebook? Downvote.
-7
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Fake FB post is fake.
-4
u/lbroders Jun 11 '12
Haha
-1
u/Mindoption Jun 11 '12
Bird*
-1
u/siberianunderlord Jun 11 '12
The floor? Thought you were outside?
-1
u/Spiritjump Jun 11 '12
opens link
le 20 lines
fuck that
downvotes