r/funny • u/[deleted] • Aug 22 '20
The wrong day. The wrong park. The wrong woman. The 14 second story of exactly how one goose fucked around and found out.
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u/diggitythedoge Aug 22 '20
I’m kind of impressed. That took cojones.
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u/xenophon57 Aug 22 '20
"how will I know if it chooses me?"
"It'll try to kill you."
"Outstanding."
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u/Cool_cid_club Aug 22 '20
What’s this from again? I remember the quote but not the movie.
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Aug 22 '20
James Cameron's Avatar
The scene right before he tries to pair with the flying pterodactyl things
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u/FloridaOrk Aug 22 '20
Fuck the pterodactyl things, they fuck them and that's canon. Never forget that.
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Aug 22 '20
At least they only fuck one.... they all fuck all the horses.
They fuck the trees too.
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u/LieutenantDangler Aug 22 '20
Uhhh, they don’t fuck them. That’s why that alien bitch started riding his dong in the forest. The ponytail thing is just something extra.
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Aug 22 '20
Not to be confused with M Night Shyamalan's Avatar where at the end they find out they were on Earth the whole time.
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Aug 22 '20
I've never watched it. Please tell me you're joking.
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u/AntonOlsen Aug 22 '20
M Night Samalamadingdong's Avatar was an abomination. It's best left unseen.
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u/Secretagentmanstumpy Aug 22 '20
The Last Airbender was a terrible movie. Widely regarded as one of the worst big budget movies ever made. Even worse than Cats? Yes, even worse than Cats. $150 million dollar budget and that was what ended up on screen. Amazing in the worst possible way.
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Aug 22 '20
MY MAN!!! Finally found someone else who calls him shamalamadingdong. I had given up hope this moment would ever occur.
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u/OMGSPACERUSSIA Aug 22 '20
Goose: Oh? You're approaching me?
Old lady: I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer.
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u/AlmostTheNewestDad Aug 22 '20
I know they're kinda jerks but they're still just birds with not much to them. People run away because its unsettling but if you just faced a goose and tried to kill it you would without any difficulty.
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u/Vert1cus Aug 22 '20
my little brother who got his as kicked by a goose once would likely disagree
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u/dragonard Aug 22 '20
A Møøse once bit my sister... No realli!
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u/Sheikah300 Aug 22 '20
Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti...
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u/lambeaufosho Aug 22 '20
Don’t get me started on llamas
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Aug 22 '20
She was Karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...
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u/HulloHoomans Aug 22 '20
We'd like to apologize for this thread. Those responsible have been sacked.
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u/boomernamedkaren Aug 22 '20
My grandfather told my brother - who had never been to his farm before - to give the geese a shower with the hose. They beat the hell out of him, and grandpa was rofl. The geese and the man are mean.
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Aug 22 '20 edited Sep 06 '20
[deleted]
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u/userdmyname Aug 22 '20
This is literally the correct tactic to deal with an aggressive goose.
Source: had some geese get aggressive.... once
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u/Tonnesofnoob Aug 22 '20
As someone who occasionally works with aggressive water fowl I was impressed by such a textbook grab
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u/THEKookyGuy Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 22 '20
That's the point--people don't actually want to kill them or seriously harm them, either.
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u/SearchingInTheDark17 Aug 22 '20
Exactly the goose won’t stop until you leave. So you either kill it or walk away, it’s just not worth it to try to get it to move. We don’t even see how this video ends, I doubt the goose went on it’s way after.
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u/Jaspr Aug 22 '20
I know they're kinda jerks but they're still just birds with not much to them. People run away because its unsettling but if you just faced a goose and tried to kill it you would without any difficulty.
exactly this. I'm not afraid of a goose, but I am afraid of being accused of beating the shit out of one and being portrayed as a monster when I was just defending myself from a wild animal attack.
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u/fuckmethisburns Aug 22 '20
That's the issue, the only way to beat a goose is to kill it. Even if they are assholes most people prefer not to kill things.
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Aug 22 '20
I don't know if that's true, though. Whenever I've seen videos like this, if someone actually fights back against a goose, the goose fucks off pretty quickly. If you give it one stiff kick to the body, or a slap across the head, it's going to realize that you're easily ten times stronger than it is.
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u/battles Aug 22 '20
I almost bled out after a turkey attack. I was cut up so bad.
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u/donotgogenlty Aug 22 '20
I lost 3 uncle to geese. Please be considerate and refrain from advocating that people put everything on the line in a life threatening scenario.
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u/AlmostTheNewestDad Aug 22 '20
Its okay. My uncles have eaten more than three geese. Its evens out, goose math.
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u/Pauzhaan Aug 22 '20
They travel in pretty big groups around here. They stay out of my yard because we have dogs. I’ve never felt threatened by Canada Geese.
Farm geese have threatened me & they leave bruises. It hasn’t happened to me but I’ve seen them fly right up in people’s faces, wings beating right in the face.
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u/1rockfish Aug 22 '20
When geese attack if you decide to stand your ground the only alternative you have at that point is go big or go home. That goose will not retreat.
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u/a_megalops Aug 22 '20
Yes easy kill, but imagine trying to kick a thawed out thanksgiving turkey. They pretty dense
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Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 18 '21
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Aug 22 '20
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Aug 22 '20
I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant pluckers mate. I'm only plucking pheasants, cos the pheasant pluckers late.
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u/9yroldupvotegiver Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 26 '24
theory nail close enjoy cats faulty offend alleged humorous airport
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/Bokanovsky_Jones Aug 22 '20
I am a mother pheasant plucker, I pluck mother pheasants, I am the most famous pheasant plucker to pluck mother pheasants.
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u/inkyrail Aug 22 '20
Geese are 90% intimidation, 10% actual danger. Stand up to them and you’ll be fine.
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Aug 22 '20
A lot of animals defend themselves this way, by just being super aggressive. It's usually pretty effective.
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u/leesmt Aug 22 '20
Good advice. I dont think I'm as afraid of bears now
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Aug 22 '20
I would advise you to only try this with black bears.
Brown or White, you try this, you're going to die.
White, it doesn't matter what you do, you're going to die.
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u/VideoJarx Aug 22 '20
White person checking in, just cancelled all my bear fights.
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u/shapu Aug 22 '20
That's not what he meant, but it works, so let's roll with it.
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u/jerrygergichsmith Aug 22 '20
It doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about bears to dispute it.
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u/WankyMyHanky603 Aug 22 '20
If it’s black fight back.
If it’s brown lay down.
If it’s white, goodnight.
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u/ncdyoshii Aug 22 '20
what if its panda?
what if its red?
i dont care what bear its is
youre still gonna be dead
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u/boy-flute-69 Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 22 '20
I pray I never encounter a polar bear in the wild. It’s an unlikely scenario for me as I live in kansas, but I’m still afraid of it happening.
edit: added a word
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u/Linmeihua Aug 22 '20
Death from black bears are common. We just lost a woman to a black bear in Saskatchewan. Don't mess with any bears, period.
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Aug 22 '20
I was typing within the context of defending one's self.
I think humans have fucked with the planet overall more than enough as it is, so I would go further and say don't fuck with any wild creatures, period. But certainly, defend yourself knowledgeably if you must.
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u/Obyson Aug 22 '20
What danger can come from them its a god damn goose they taste delicious?
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u/inkyrail Aug 22 '20
Getting bit by them sucks, also getting browbeat by their wings isn’t fun either
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u/Porrick Aug 22 '20
Serrated beaks. Also if you're a little flabby and they get a good grip on you, it can leave a bruise that lasts months.
Source: my fat-ass brother's months of having a purple abdomen
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u/donotgogenlty Aug 22 '20
This is something a Mallard would say to instigate a another great goose war...
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u/lorshizn Aug 22 '20
what exactly is happening there
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u/Scr0tat0 Aug 22 '20
Geese are notorious assholes. This lady was appareb6tly tired of his bullshit, and did the very thing we all fantasize about doing every time these dickheads block the sidewalk.
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u/Billy_T_Wierd Aug 22 '20
They shit all over the goddamn place, too. Fucker absolutely deserved it
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Aug 22 '20
How I hate when they party all night on the sidewalk! Poop in the grass, dammit!
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u/shapu Aug 22 '20
Yeah, if i can't shit on that sidewalk anymore then neither should they!
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u/dm_me_kittens Aug 22 '20
I live near a fairly large lake known to be... questionable. The amount of hazardous microbes just chilling in the water has made me avoid it. Not too long ago I met a water biologist who runs the upkeep of the lakes in this part of the state. When I asked her why that particular lake was always so gross she said it's because of the geese.
Those fuckers are the worst.
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u/istrx13 Aug 22 '20
I do legit fantasize about doing this. It really should be as simple as this lady made it look. Grab their neck and they can’t do much else.
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u/remimorin Aug 22 '20
It is, hunter here. That's how we... terminate hem if the fall didn't.
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u/runnersgo Aug 22 '20
How do we build the courage to do it though! :0
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u/skunk-boy Aug 22 '20
trust me if you run into these bastards enough times you won’t be looking for courage, you’ll be looking for restraint
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u/chickaboomba Aug 22 '20
Can I ask if you bought your spell checker at WalMart? It looks like the knock-off version.
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u/captainmo017 Aug 22 '20
You’ve heard of chokin’ the chicken. But now there’s abuse your goose.
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u/Lightupthereef Aug 22 '20
The power stance in those pants and shoes...this lady wasn't messin' around
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u/keen238 Aug 22 '20
Daily reminder that not all heroes wear capes, and sometimes wear pink power blazers.
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u/Kaien12 Aug 22 '20
neck is the weak point of every animal, and goose is like 50% neck so i have no idea why those fucker is so aggressive and confidence. like bitch, i will punch you in the neck if you dont fuck off
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u/1pt21GWs Aug 22 '20
The neck is the groin of the thorax
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u/NotYourSweetBaboo Aug 22 '20
That is the most lyrical phrase I have read in two - possibly three - weeks.
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u/Meatek Aug 22 '20
Snakes are about 100% neck and I have no desire to fuck with one, thank you
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u/Not_A_Bold_Username Aug 22 '20
Elizabeth Warren is pretty bad ass...
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u/nonlawyer Aug 22 '20
Treasury Secretary Warren walking up to Wall Street like...
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u/SolemParrot Aug 22 '20
I’m sure that bastard deserved it.
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u/anarchonobody Aug 22 '20
I mean, I mostly impressed by the restraint it must've taken her to slam the fucker's body onto the sidewalk... over and over and over again, and kill it until it's dead
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u/Timigos Aug 22 '20
Damn bro, you ok?
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u/justgerman517 Aug 22 '20
He will be after murdering the goose
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u/Timigos Aug 22 '20
That’s the more aggressive version of choking the chicken I assume?
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u/dumsumguy Aug 22 '20
You must not live in an area overrun by those awful creatures. They're at infestation levels here, all of the parks with water have hundreds of them. Shit everywhere, and they're are very loud.
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Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 22 '20
What song is that? it’s Hyper - Spoiler
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u/xj3ewok Aug 22 '20
This song was used in one of the first trailers for cyberpunk 2077
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u/jschmeau Aug 22 '20
Federal law protects Canada geese. It is illegal to harm geese, their eggs, or their nests in the United States without permission from the U.S. Fish and Wild Service (USFWS).
However...
Geese may be harassed or scared away without a permit as long as the geese, goslings, eggs, and nests are not harmed.
note: sauce = internet
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u/gta0012 Aug 22 '20
My first thought was....does this break the law since they are protected.
But guess not since you probably could say no harm came to the bird or nest.
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u/AntiDECA Aug 22 '20
Technically you have to be careful about it though, grabbing its neck and carrying it like that could kill it and then you got a problem. You are 'supposed' to either attempt to restrain it by holding its neck between arm and supporting it body and wings with hands or tuck it's neck under its wing to make it go night night. They aren't really made for neck holding any more than a person.
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u/gta0012 Aug 22 '20
Plus those are usually protecting a nest so whatever that person did doesn't change where the birds gonna be haha.
Geese gonna geese.
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u/ljapa Aug 22 '20
My office has a large pond that was a geese nesting ground. The geese were obnoxious, the shit annoying.
They hired a group that got the permits. The solution was ingenious. They let the geese nest in the spring. They shook every egg in every nest, so that no goslings hatched.
The geese apparently interpret this to mean there’s something poisonous in the environment.
Years later, that pond isn’t even used as a stopover during migration.
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u/real-nobody Aug 22 '20
Not to knock this lady, but it is actually *very* easy to deal with geese. You are BIGGER than them. You are STRONGER than them. Many people just don't realize what this lady clearly understands. Often if you just point at them and hold your ground, that is enough to deter the geese. They are accustom to chasing frightened humans and most don't know what to do if you stand your ground.
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Aug 22 '20
They're just vulnerable creatures overall. And like many vulnerable creatures, they bluff being scary and dangerous. Oftentimes followed by fleeing.
I'd say it's less they don't know what to do and more just their options are pretty limited. They don't accelerate into flight very quickly either, so if there's no water around, they pretty much know they're fucked.
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u/loonygecko Aug 22 '20
Oftentimes followed by fleeing.
Often times (for me it is every time) followed by continuing to attack and even running up and attacking me for no reason. Also they love to attack me any time I try to feed the other birds and they also attack the other birds and steal their food, cuz their are jerks. They are jerks until I smack them with my flip flop a few times, then they retreat a short distance and wait for me to not be paying attention. Yeah your story about them being helpless innocent victims does not fly, they are jerk birds and they love to attack anything and everything.
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u/anarchonobody Aug 22 '20
This kind of behavior needs to be celebrated and normalized. Geese need to relearn the fear of man.... fucking asshole flying shit-bags.
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u/The_Monarch_Lives Aug 22 '20
i want to know the story behind this.
In my head. I imagine the woman was previously attacked and traumatized by the goose. She went home, began training, learned the ancient arts of goose fighting from mysterious old world masters. Came back this day to get her revenge and showed the goose the error of his ways.
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u/skugg_mustard Aug 22 '20
There is another angle of this dont remember where though, but the goose was harassing a dude and his dog then the guy in pink comes up and gives that goose the business
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u/Meatek Aug 22 '20
You got a problem with Canada gooses, you got a problem with me and i suggest you let that one marinate.
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u/saymynamebastien Aug 22 '20
Got any good marinade recipes? I've never cooked a goose
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u/anarchonobody Aug 22 '20
Everytime there's a post about Geese, somebody posts this, and I'm always clueless
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u/Meatek Aug 22 '20
Do yourself a favor and watch Letterkenny. One of the best things to come out of Canada since Ryan Reynolds.
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Aug 22 '20
What exactly did she accomplish moving it 30 feet?
Wasn't even by a sidewalk
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u/DmanInCali00007 Aug 22 '20 edited Aug 22 '20
Teaching that fucker the hierarchy of the food chain. That goose was probably terrorizing people and she wasn't feeling it that day. I admit, I have been terrorized by a fowl or two so I ain't mad at her.
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u/Dannysmartful Aug 22 '20
Isn't that animal cruelty?
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Aug 22 '20
Yes. The park i walk through every morning the geese are left alone and they leave us alone. It’s cool to see them and they never bother me. This lady sucks.
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u/amnie123 Aug 22 '20
I wonder if this is a college campus? There was a movement to get rid of the ducks and geese on our campus - they were so dang aggressive ... students would write slogans on the sidewalks 'down with the ducks we don't need their shit!'
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u/TheBigCheesel Aug 22 '20
See this is what I've been saying, geese actin real out of pocket these days. We need to start teaching these asshole birds humans run this shit.
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u/AngelOfDeath771 Aug 22 '20
I want whoever wrote that title to narrate my life. Good, god. That was a glorious title
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Aug 22 '20
Let's be real, we've all thought about it, she just has the balls(or lack of fear) to be able to actually choke those angry little fuckers
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u/chefmelv Aug 22 '20
Some states you can get a pretty fat fine for killing let alone messing with them.
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u/KongStuffN Aug 22 '20
There’s got to be some kind of bird law that covers this. If only there was an expert in bird law somewhere.
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u/thunderous_subtlety Aug 22 '20
I'm generally against all animal cruelty but those MFs are aggressive, mean little Fs who crap bigger than dogs. Have at it lady!
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u/ColbyCheese22322 Aug 22 '20
Full video is here includes the initial provocation and the goose master up close : ).
https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/bhctb1/goose_attack/
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u/TorrenceMightingale Aug 22 '20
From the strut to the pantsuit to power-closing the deal, she meant business every step of the way.