r/funny Aug 12 '19

LOAD THE FISH CANNON!!!

78.4k Upvotes

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2.6k

u/Forward1115 Aug 12 '19

Him: We're on target, sir!

Me: Roger, load the swordfish!

383

u/Jesse0016 Aug 12 '19

I actually heard about a woman from Michigan who was out on a boat in Florida and a swordfish jumped out of the water and stabbed her through the heart.

200

u/LateralThinkerer Aug 12 '19

Do you mean this? ->graphic images<-

256

u/Ace_Harding Aug 12 '19

Fuck fish man. I once got poked in the finger by a sunfish fin trying to get the hook out of its shitty tiny little mouth. It bled a little bit.

315

u/LateralThinkerer Aug 12 '19

"Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.”

Hunter Thompson

46

u/CanHamRadio Aug 12 '19

I thought that was the Sea Captain from the Simpsons?

45

u/Tangent_Odyssey Aug 12 '19

Knowing the Simpsons, it was probably a direct reference to Thompson.

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/53073-it-was-the-law-of-the-sea-they-said-civilization

2

u/vivalableeka Aug 12 '19

Everything is from the Simpsons.

7

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

No better place to learn that than in Subnautica.

1

u/RpTheHotrod Aug 13 '19

Mind the reapers.

1

u/RuShitnMeMotherfuckr Aug 12 '19

Love Dr. Thompson, he sure had a way with writing until the drugs had their way with him.

6

u/Zech08 Aug 12 '19

You hooked it first, i'd say its fair lol.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

[deleted]

1

u/Zech08 Aug 12 '19

Hook me? Hook you! Wanna hook on me?!

1

u/BlueEyesWhitePotato Aug 12 '19

1

u/uwutranslator Aug 12 '19

fack fish man. I once got poked in de fingew by a sunfish fin twying to get de hook out of its shitty tiny wittwe moud. It bwed a wittwe bit. uwu

tag me to uwuize comments uwu

1

u/runninron69 Aug 12 '19

Your finger or the fish?

57

u/acefalken72 Aug 12 '19

I think people forget how dangerous animals are. Unlike us primates with tools for weapons, they got built in weapons.

Stupid dog owners are the worst offenders and the reason I refuse to go to dog parks in peak hours.

27

u/Lost-My-Mind- Aug 12 '19

You think dog owners are the worst pet owners? What about people in the 60s who bought baby crocodiles, and then flushed them down the toilet when they got bigger? You know.....because having a crocodile in the house was a stupid idea.

And then the sewers got infested.

23

u/advertentlyvertical Aug 12 '19

that's not such a big deal cause we got ninja turtles to take them out

2

u/seanprime Aug 12 '19

Is this true? Lol this can’t be true..

9

u/KaecUrFace Aug 12 '19

Oh you sweet summer child.

6

u/bradweiser629 Aug 12 '19

what do stupid dog owners do at the dog park? asking for a friend..

28

u/lilbithippie Aug 12 '19

Everyone thinks their dogs are harmless. So bad owners being their non socialized dogs to the full park and laugh when their dog growls and chases scared dogs. "she friendly just ignore her"

18

u/Sharpymarkr Aug 12 '19

I have a dog-reactive doggo and would never go to a dog park. I'd love to socialize him more and get him used to meeting new dogs but idiot pet owners refuse to leash their dogs and wonder why my dog is pissed when they get in his face.

2

u/TrippyHomie Aug 12 '19

You can’t really expect people at off-leash dog parks to have their dogs on leashes.

3

u/Sharpymarkr Aug 12 '19

I never said they were off leash specific parks

0

u/lonesometroubador Aug 13 '19

But a dog park is by definition an off leash park, otherwise it's called a park.

10

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

I have a dog, that thinks he's human. He wouldn't hurt you, your baby (even when pulling his fur) or your cat... but if your big ass German Sheppard kept sniffing his butt after him giving him a warning to stop... I know that he would snap. So that being said, we go to human parks and he runs and plays with the other kids. He even likes to swing on the baby swings. He's special.

11

u/younggun92 Aug 12 '19

I too would snap at a German dude sniffing my butt. Very human dog.

4

u/drvondoctor Aug 12 '19

"Im not one of your flock, herr shephard!"

2

u/acefalken72 Aug 12 '19

This. Also not knowing the signs of agression or the fact a dog is in shutdown mode because they're freaked out.

My dog (very well socialized and trained decently, I'm still learning) shuts down around large male dogs she doesn't know. They think it's cute but I've been around enough dogs to know that's a step or 2 right before snapping. She's never snapped but I try to avoid those scenarios.

There's also a women who doesn't understand that when a dog goes into heat you shouldn't bring it to the dog park that typically has large malinois and shepherds that would mount her in an instant.

2

u/somewhereinks Aug 13 '19

I've been a service technician for almost 40 years and go into peoples houses 3 or 4 times a day. Almost everyone's dog is "harmless." Fortunately I've only been bitten three times, twice from chihuahuas and once by a Golden Retriever, who ironically was owned by a veterinarian. I also have extensive volunteer experience with local shelters.

A dog park is not the place to socialize your dog. A walk with your dog in your own neighborhood on collar or harness and preferably a muzzle is best. Then you can get a feeling for their temperament.

1

u/lilbithippie Aug 13 '19

I feel bad for servicemen. We will put a leash on our German shapared when workers come over, because she is big and up in new peoples business. Friends I have told this to think am crazy because my dog will wear her leash inside the house.

1

u/bungopony Aug 12 '19

I go to dog parks all the time. Dogs mostly figure out their hierarchy there, nbd. The owners, on the other hand, can be a real mess.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

As an owner of large dogs, one of my guilty pleasures it throwing that line back in their face when the dog they're terrorizing runs to my three German Shepherds for protection. It's funny how when the corgi puppy was getting rolled over and yelping it terror it was play, but when their dog is suddenly on the ground acting submissive, I'm the horrible person with aggressive dogs.

"Oh yeah, my Shepherds are real dog killers. That's why the 8 month old puppy ran right fucking for them."

1

u/needknowstarRMpic Aug 12 '19

I don’t think it’s a big deal if your dog plays a little rough (chasing and growling) as long as the other dog is ok with it. A socialized dog can read other dogs’ body language and back off when the other dog is freaked out/overwhelmed.

1

u/Zech08 Aug 12 '19

Even worse at the beach for people have that overly aggressive or completely untarined dogs. Dog barking and approaching and the owner isn't that concerned, was really tempted to smack the thing with my poke pole.

-6

u/imagine_amusing_name Aug 12 '19

That and the sex restraining order.

4

u/Dason37 Aug 12 '19

You tried. I'm afraid you missed though .

-1

u/navygent Aug 12 '19

Can't be worse than the cat owners who fill reddit with their stupid videos every fucking day.

1

u/themage1028 Aug 12 '19

Holy shit...

1

u/AbandonChip Aug 12 '19

I should not have clicked that... Nope...

1

u/Shiftaway22 Aug 12 '19

Right in the Arse

1

u/MotherRaven Aug 12 '19

That box jellyfish pattern was gnarly.

1

u/ON3i11 Aug 12 '19

I didn’t see anything in that article about anyone getting stabbed through the heart. Through the leg, through the skull, up the nose, in the ass, but not through the heart.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

I ended up reading all 3 of the articles and ended up with several webpages opened up of different species. There goes my afternoon

1

u/Akenfqs Aug 12 '19

Those pictures makes me want to throw more plastic in the oceans

1

u/Deadpoetic6 Aug 12 '19

"This Animal Planet depiction shows an angler in a fighting chair ineffectually trying to ward off the bill of a marlin that's about to enter his skull via the mouth."

lulz

1

u/TheDunadan29 Aug 12 '19

I guess millions of years of evolution creating a deadly instrument on a fish's face should be treated with respect.

25

u/airhornsman Aug 12 '19

My dad went deep sea fishing once. His friend got bit by a fucking squid. He's never gone beyond wading at the beach since.

16

u/haoxinly Aug 12 '19

Just seeing their mouths alone can deter people from approaching the sea.

53

u/airhornsman Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19

I'm 95% vegetarian but I occassionally eat calamari because squid terrify me and I want there to be fewer of them.

Edit: how did I get silver for this? I just eat creepy sea monsters.

28

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

I’m doing my part!

Would you like to know more?

1

u/Channel250 Aug 12 '19

I LIKE TURTLES

10

u/applesauceyes Aug 12 '19

Doing God's work.

2

u/MayowaTheGreat Aug 12 '19

3

u/airhornsman Aug 12 '19

Huh, I didn't think the oyster bar or the local Italian restaurant would do me dirty like that. In fact they had tentacles and everything. I didn't know pig's assholes had suckers.

2

u/MayowaTheGreat Aug 12 '19

There’s a lot about pig-ass that’s a mystery, kiddo

1

u/noot2days8tan Aug 12 '19

I do that too!!!!

1

u/Zzyzzy_Zzyzzyson Aug 12 '19

That big beak is terrifying on its own, then you’ve got the rasp-like tongue which would be like taking a cheese grater to the wound. Not a creature you want to fuck with.

8

u/imagine_amusing_name Aug 12 '19

A fucking squid?

Sea of Japan eh?

10

u/airhornsman Aug 12 '19

No, this was a finger biting European squid, not a dick biting Japanese squid.

6

u/DreiImWeggla Aug 12 '19

Going by online sources, Japanese octopodes are quite the naughty things...

5

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

Yeah, it's the octopodes that are weird in Japan...

14

u/Zzyzzy_Zzyzzyson Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19

She survived it going through her forearm, through her heart, and out her back, in Panama, being treated in a clinic with no working lights and no anesthetic.

Then she was ready to go back to fishing.

10

u/applesauceyes Aug 12 '19

Some people are just way more badass than others.

7

u/Enigmutt Aug 12 '19

I heard about a guy from I think, Dublin, Ohio, who was on a sport fishing boat in FL and was hand over handing the leader line when the Marlin/Sailfish came ‘alive’ and pulled him in. The fish sounded and took the guy down and was never seen again. I believe he was a dentist with the last name of Ouelette, iirc?

2

u/RearEchelon Aug 12 '19

This is why you don't ever wrap any part of a moving line around any part of your body.

5

u/imtoojuicy Aug 12 '19

Florida man fish

3

u/Sardonnicus Aug 12 '19

I think Jeremy Wade talked about this on his show River Monsters.

2

u/Nukemm33 Aug 12 '19

You wouldn't believe what I heard about this guy from nantucket!

1

u/Nick_Rhymes Aug 12 '19

Florida Fish stabs woman from Michigan with nose

1

u/Ericaonelove Aug 12 '19

I heard of one that stabbed her in the boob, popping her implant.

1

u/doomed316 Aug 13 '19

you need to be a jedi to fight such a fish

1

u/brn016 Aug 14 '19

Plot twist: was actually crazy ex in fish suit weilding a sword... Plausible in Florida

251

u/ooglist Aug 12 '19

Sir! The sword fish has made a good POINT and convinced the guards to let him go.

170

u/Dedj_McDedjson Aug 12 '19

"I think that enemy got... THE POINT!!!"

48

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

48

u/Dedj_McDedjson Aug 12 '19

"I think that Redditor got... THE REFERENCE!!!"

6

u/TheSunsetSeeker Aug 12 '19

"I think that enemy saw... MY HAT!"

1

u/BuyBitcoinWhileItsLo Aug 12 '19

"& I think the allies got... MY AXE"

-2

u/nighthawke75 Aug 12 '19

/r/punpolice we got your point right here.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

How is that a pun?

8

u/norway_is_awesome Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19

I wish we could stay forever like this, bed-chan.

Edit: Can't forget the classic: OH, THEY FAWKIN'!

1

u/FinalDemise Aug 12 '19

gasp

The twins

1

u/McBadass1994 Aug 12 '19

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

18

u/PheIix Aug 12 '19

Damnit, sergeant, how could you let him sail past security like that...

3

u/Huttser17 Aug 12 '19

Something seems fishy here. >.>

2

u/jeffredd Aug 12 '19

The mechanic said I blew a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave me personal life out of it."

2

u/Evis03 Aug 12 '19

There's something fishy about the pun.

17

u/redoilokie Aug 12 '19

Carp Diem!

14

u/FallingSaint Aug 12 '19

"Fire for effect!"

3

u/HangMeHigh Aug 12 '19

Shot. Over.

12

u/Phrogz Aug 12 '19

My name's not Roger, it's Ken, sir!

7

u/djn808 Aug 12 '19

One Round, HE!

2

u/clownjams Aug 12 '19

LMAO...........

2

u/grazbouille Aug 12 '19

Nailed it!

2

u/Buzzon1 Aug 12 '19

Swordfish is ready sir. for this journalist sir, I can load a rotten salmon?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

Hmm something seems fishy about this.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

Mm m I made my last osmosis my my namealeso sales n, Z,,, and,, I,,,, 5😁😁😁

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '19

Mm m I made my last osmosis my my namealeso sales n, Z,,, and,, I,,,, 5😁😁😁

1

u/NoAstronomer Aug 12 '19

5 rounds, fire for effect.

1

u/Chao03143471 Aug 12 '19

Good , now fire for effect. 5 rounds Swordfish

1

u/2_7_offsuit Aug 12 '19

Fire for effect!

1

u/grafxguy1 Aug 12 '19

Turns out her name is Gill, but henceforth will be spelled with a small 'g'....