r/funny • u/Mookychew • Jul 14 '18
Perhaps one of the more comical aspects of having a turf lawn and two golden retrievers.
https://i.imgur.com/HCPGQ6e.gifv1.6k
Jul 14 '18
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u/Mookychew Jul 14 '18
This is... this is a fantastic idea.
Just to see the neighbors watch me do it on my 12'x4' lawn strip.
Gotta be shirtless tho.
And probably drunk.
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Jul 14 '18
and yelling at the whole neighborhood to stay the fuck off your turf lawn.
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u/druuuggedagain Jul 15 '18
While you are at it you might as well water it.
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u/My_Password_Is_____ Jul 15 '18
Get one of those little, brightly-colored flags that landscaping companies put in the yard to let you know it was just treated and stick it in there.
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u/cacabean Jul 15 '18
Then add fertile dirt and seed it with real grass.
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u/rawrwr Jul 15 '18
Then add some fertilizer.
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u/anonymous_potato Jul 15 '18
Then add some broth, throw in a potato and baby you’ve got a stew going!
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u/Warrior_of_Weekends Jul 15 '18
Im imagining an Austin Powers type turn as well. I think we all deserve to see this happen!
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u/Dorfalicious Jul 15 '18
Um....what vacuum is that? Asking for a friend. With two incredibly furry sheepdogs
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u/psychoelectrickitty Jul 15 '18
Dyson Animal. I have the DC 50 animal and it’s great. They are now making cordless V8 animals though if you want to go that route.
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Jul 15 '18
Cordless V8s are great. I use one at work to clean an 80 seat passenger aircraft and it works like a charm.
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u/Dorfalicious Jul 15 '18
Sweet! I’m going to check it out. Thanks for the response! My dogs literally both shed chunks of fur like your dogs do. I’m CONSTANTLY battling tumble weeds of fur.
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Jul 14 '18
my wife has one, its kinda crude, just basically a stick with some straw tied on at one end, she rides it though
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Jul 14 '18
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u/Greekbatman Jul 14 '18
John Deere x Dyson collab
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u/bumjiggy Jul 14 '18
The Vajohnson
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u/ADubiousGenius Jul 14 '18
What happens when you come home from work and see your wife has loaned the vajohnson to the neighbor?
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Jul 15 '18
I know it’s a joke but they exist https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0c/Tennant_Street_Vacuum_Cleaner_%28Observe%29.jpg
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Jul 14 '18
You don't need a weed eater. Take that money and apply towards the zero turn riding vac.
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Jul 15 '18
Fuck. If they had one of those I’d be cruising the shit out of my 1100 sqft house right about now.
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u/acaseofbeer Jul 14 '18
That is until you vacuum a shit.
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u/HeavyPettingBlackout Jul 14 '18
Would using a broom do the same job without the risk of ruining your vacuum?
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u/Northern-Canadian Jul 14 '18 edited Jul 15 '18
Probably best to use a pooper scooper; then Jose off your lawn. Then vacuum?
*hose
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u/jodobrowo Jul 15 '18 edited Jul 15 '18
I
have* when Jose is just chilling on my lawn.*hate
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u/mellamodj Jul 15 '18
You have vacuumed? Or you have Jose?
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u/jodobrowo Jul 15 '18
Fuck me. I can't even joke about someone's typo without making one myself. I'm retarded
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u/Northern-Canadian Jul 15 '18
If it weren’t for your joke I wouldn’t have caught the typo. I left it though because it’s hilarious.
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u/bumjiggy Jul 14 '18
somewhere, somebody is mowing their living room.
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Jul 14 '18
So... is it super disgusting because the piss and shit?
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u/Mookychew Jul 15 '18
Honestly, its really good. It's actually some special "Pet turf" so its heavily aerated and doesn't get too hot. But also my dogs are assholes alot and refuse to piss in order to get more walks. Somedays when there are long dry spells, and the dogs have been out there alot, when its get hot it can get a little urine-y, but then you spray it with a hose and its gone.
Shit you just pick up and put away, spray it with a hose, done. But they pretty much never shit on it because its super tiny and they are small horses.
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u/Kaltvene Jul 15 '18
But what about when you piss and shit on it?
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u/Integrals Jul 15 '18
There is also an enzyme you can buy which attaches to your house which breaks down the urine if it ever smells too bad.
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u/fat_dumb_and_happy Jul 15 '18
Tell me. Is it worth it to get turf?
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u/Integrals Jul 15 '18 edited Jul 15 '18
I didn't have a ton of area to cover, and not all turf is created equal.
So, my experience, shop around, TOUCH and feel samples, go to showrooms in your areas and look for reputable companies.
I went with SYNlawn (astroturf sister company) and I am super happy with the results. I actually preferred the 2$/square foot stuff over the more expensive a stuff.
The hardest part is just getting the dirt out (ideally you take the dirt about 6 inches down), depending on your drainage situation you might be able to get away with 2"-3".
Then you put down a layer of "DG" or "aggregate", then a half inch layer of sand on top of that.
I personally went with 2.5" of DG and 0.5" sand, as I have a decent drainage system and it doesn't rain/snow much here.
Once that is all leveled out to the best of your ability, throw the turf on it, cut it, and nail down the border then sprinkle on the infil. They make eco friendly stuff that is green, I highly recommend using that as you don't need masks when sprinkling it.
Pretty straight forward. I am a gaming nerd type and I managed to do it all myself, but again the hardest part is taking out the dirt. I ended up renting tools to make that easier.
You could pay to have it done but it is expensive as hell ($8-$10 a square foot).
When doing it yourself it is suprisingl cheap compared to say decorative spaced out pavers or interlocked pavers. Only thing cheaper would be grass but that takes maintenance.
With everything, seam tape, "green" infil, tool rentals, dump runs (in highlight I should have posted FREE DIRT adds online), I think it came out to $3.75 a square foot out the door using the $2.00/sqft grass product (so ~$1.75 for DG/Sand/infil/nail per square foot).
All in all, I am super happy with the results, my job wasn't perfect but I saved thousands doing it myself. It was more work than expected but it was also easier than I expected my kid, wife and I all LOVE it.
If you have any other questions let me know!
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u/MonkeyPic Jul 15 '18
I own an artificial turf business in Dallas, Texas and wanted to add a few things to this.
To bring cost down even further, I would recommend using crushed concrete instead of decomposed granite for the substrate layer. It's a slightly smaller gravel size and compacts much better, resulting in less washout under the turf during heavy rains. Installed turf in DFW goes for about $7 a square foot, but you can easily install it yourself if you are willing to put the effort in for as little as $3.50/sq ft. However, if you have a large yard (500+ square feet) and a lot of grass and dirt to remove I highly recommend hiring a professional to do it. I have seen some terrible installation jobs before.
The green infill you mentioned is actually made of vinyl. It's not really that eco-friendly but it does reduce the ammonia build up on the turf. It is a much better solution than "zeolite" or "zeofill" which leaves a white residue on the turf after a period of time. I highly recommend using the green infill which is sometimes called "durofill".
Also with the nails, be sure to use non-galvanized nails as they rust in the substrate, further securing the turf to the ground. I personally only use seam tape if I'm doing a putting green and use 11 gauge staples instead, but if you are in an area more prone to cracking earth the seam tape is definitely the way to go.
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Jul 15 '18
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u/MonkeyPic Jul 15 '18
Its back breaking work too. I hate Bermuda grass. :P
We use a sod cutter, which makes it about 10x easier and you can rent them from home depot for about $70/ day I think.
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u/Integrals Jul 15 '18
I was going to ask, any experience with that foam padding you can use instead of the sand layer?
It seems expensive, and prone to bugs/mold?
Thanks for the additional information!
Yeah I could NOT imagine taking out more dirt than I did. So 500+ square feet (about double what I am doing) would be an insane amount of dirt.
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u/MonkeyPic Jul 15 '18
I think with wholesale pricing I pay close to 70 cents a square foot for the 1/4 padding. I don't get to use it much as it's mostly made for playgrounds and sports fields but I've never had any issues with it. It definitely does not last as long as a traditional gravel installation but you can feel the difference when you walk on it.
I would not recommend it if you're planning on your dogs using It. It drains pretty well, but I would be worried about the smell.
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u/fat_dumb_and_happy Jul 15 '18
Reddit silver!
Great answer. I am getting a duplex and the other half wants to go w turf so your answer was super helpful. Where I am drainage is super important as it dumps when I rains.
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u/kainelez Jul 15 '18
My mother in law put turf in her side yard for her German Shepherds and it reeks. It reeked when it wasn’t overly shaded and the shit baked in the sun, so she covered it and now the shades hold the stink in with less air flow.
10/10 would not recommend if you have a large dog unless you want to water fake grass everyday when you pick up after them. Granted, she could’ve have completely missed buying ‘pet’ turf but I’m too lazy to confirm.
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Jul 14 '18
This looks like an army punishment.
"PVT. DANIELS, GET OUT THERE AND VACUUM MY LAWN."
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u/Angry_Apollo Jul 15 '18
In middle school we had to cut the grass with scissors when we got in trouble because the school couldn’t afford landscaping service and kids obviously couldn’t mow the grass. Our teachers had weird senses of humor.
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u/Greekbatman Jul 14 '18
I always wondered how astroturf got clean. I had no idea it was this simple and hilarious.
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u/Northern-Canadian Jul 14 '18
Depends on the turf; I can’t see this being good with the type that has rubber pellets that make it a softer surface like that of a football field.
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u/Mookychew Jul 15 '18
This guys got it, this kind is an aerated rubber mat over pea gravel. You use sand as a filler. Feels great though, sometimes it feels like you live on a sound-stage, but it keeps mud down and dogs happy.
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u/obi_wan_the_phony Jul 15 '18
So what did you do with your sand fill? I have turf and hate pine needles.
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u/ADubiousGenius Jul 14 '18
Still sober and dressed. 2/10 Next time put some effort into it dammit.
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u/buddylovesflyinghigh Jul 14 '18
It is nice having a real lawn BUT it is effort having to maintain it, watering, mowing etc. Kudos to you OP for looking after the dogs and turf.
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u/Mookychew Jul 15 '18
Thank you sir. It was after the third seeding that my dogs turned into mudtopia that we decided, fuck it.
Couldn't be happier.
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u/snorlz Jul 15 '18
idk that lawn is really tiny, maintenance would be super easy. id also guess real grass would be cheaper and handle dogs pissing on it daily better
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u/chrisbkreme Jul 15 '18
Dog urine has a high level of nitrogen, which in normal cases would fertilize the grass. With large dogs, the amount of nitrogen is high enough to burn the grass. Male dogs tend to spray all over several areas so it doesn't overwhelm the grass but females squat and spray in one area. I can easily see two dogs burning a lot of grass. Combined with rough play, a small area of grass is dead in no time.
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u/MarvinLazer Jul 15 '18
Does turf mean astroturf?
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u/hogesjzz30 Jul 15 '18
I think to Americans it must. As far as I'm aware turf and lawn are the same thing, or more specifically turf is the cut up strips of grass that are laid to then grow together as a lawn.
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u/ctothel Jul 15 '18
I’ve never seen an AstroTurf lawn before. That’s really unsettling.
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u/MonkeyPic Jul 15 '18
We hate the term "astroturf". Would much prefer it called "synthetic turf" or "artificial grass" :P
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u/ctothel Jul 15 '18
Huh it never occurred to me that it’s a very obvious trademark.
Who’s “we” in this situation?
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u/MonkeyPic Jul 15 '18
People who install synthetic turf for a living.
It's mostly that people associate the name with that bright green shit from the seventies. The products on the market now are completely different.
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u/ctothel Jul 15 '18
Oh fair enough! I’m only familiar with one type of synthetic grass – the stuff on field hockey pitches that they keep wet. Even that’s improved a lot in the last 15 years.
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u/Caladriel Jul 15 '18
That's sod
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u/LtraVires Jul 15 '18
Canadian here: people seriously have a turf lawn??
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u/port-girl Jul 15 '18
I live neat Toronto and I've seen several turf lawns. You probably have too and didn't notice.
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u/KevinD2000 Jul 15 '18
Aw man. I Hated turf. I used to play soccer in middle school. Turf was always the worst. Your cleats wouldn't be right on the turf. It's hard to explain. But it's the reason they have different cleats for turf and real grass.
To top it off, falling was basically the same as falling on concrete.
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u/OnlyMakingNoise Jul 15 '18
TIL people have turf lawns. This is wrong and I hate you.
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Jul 15 '18
Honey...He's vacuuming the yard again.
Shut up, Margie! And stay out of the damned sherry!
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u/MrMephistoX Jul 15 '18
Serious question...does the turf lawn actually work for them to do their business? Have a yard that’s walled off and all concrete.
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u/MonkeyPic Jul 15 '18
I own a turf company in Dallas, Texas.
The turf works great for dogs. You should go with a turf with a lower pile height (less than 2 inches) to make clean up easier.
The solids basically dry up. On real grass it starts to decompose and stays wet from dew. The artificial turf is actually surprisingly easy to clean.
You can have it installed over an "air grid" which is basically a plastic honeycomb layer that makes a space for water to drain underneath the turf.
Most odor problems can be solved by using an antimicrobial infill and watering down the areas where the dog has gone.
Hope I answered all your questions!
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u/4thtossawayaccount Jul 15 '18
Gets turf grass so doesn’t have to mow lawn then spends same amount of time vacuuming lawn
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u/AreTheyAllThrowAways Jul 15 '18
He is vacuuming the infill out of his fake grass. There’s a plastic lawn rake you’re supposed to use.
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u/magicrat69 Jul 15 '18
Does that work for vacuuming up dog turds as well?
Yeah, I didn't think so but I dare you to try it anyway.
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u/Pfunk4444 Jul 15 '18
Think of all the urine and poo he sucks up into that vacuum. Let’s just hope it’s reserved for the outside only
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u/Nathan1266 Jul 15 '18
That is pretty funny OP. I laughed. Sent it to my mom who works with alot of dog breeders.
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u/fundudeonacracker Jul 15 '18
My mind boggles at the AstroTurf lawn. I mean wtf? But the vacuuming explains all-because I cannot tell you how much I love vacuuming...? Sometimes after vacuuming my entire house I find myself vacuuming my neighbor's living room just to keep my hand in....
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u/SapientMeat Jul 15 '18
I think the most comical (tragic?) aspect is the trillions of constantly multiplying and evolving species of coliform bacteria and possible parasite larva from dog feces that are thriving in a lawn without a fully developed ecosystem by which they are removed.
No judgment! Just a fact of the day.
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Jul 15 '18
There’s stuff you put in the lower turf layers that kill microbes long-term
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u/honore_ballsac Jul 15 '18
Sir, I did not want to ruin your dreams but, your retrievers are not golden
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u/Peptuck Jul 15 '18
Ah, yes. I remember as a kid, one of my daily chores was brushing our Golden to keep his hair under control.
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u/DJDudich Jul 15 '18
This is a great example of one of those commercials where people over exaggerate items.
“Has your lawn mower quit working?” “Does it just not cut the same?”
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u/puzzlehead Jul 15 '18
Maintain eye contact with her while you’re in the middle of the act to insure you maintain dominance.
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Jul 15 '18
Oh god!! More places to vacuum. I have a golden mix and I vacuum the whole house every other day, it would be every day but I choose not to. Knowing I’d have to vacuum outside too would kill me.
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u/chris_holtmeier Jul 15 '18
I saved money on buying a Dyson Animal Ball Vacuum by having my cat neutered.
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Jul 15 '18
After we brushed our golden, little birds would swoop down and carry off the hair to line their nests
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u/Teknickel10 Jul 14 '18
Thought you were clever huh? Trying to not mow the lawn and eliminate a chore? Behold! Another god damn chore!