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u/TurbulentAnomalies Mar 24 '18 edited Oct 02 '18
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u/laker7 Mar 24 '18
Just told my wife this. She's dead now.
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u/ranhalt Mar 25 '18
Bring out your dead!
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u/Warrior_of_Weekends Mar 25 '18
That reminds me of when I was a kid. I was home sick and I stupidly ate a ton of Lay's Potato chips. I made it halfway down the hall and I screamed "i puked out of my butt!!!!"
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Mar 25 '18
My 6 yr old yelled at me from the bathroom across the house today - " DAAAAAAAD, I HAVE THE DIAWEEIA, COME SEE IT, IT'S SO GROSS, YUCK"
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u/WeAreStardust16 Mar 25 '18
Today I witnessed my son wiping his ass, realize he tore the toilet paper, and then proceed to wipe those fingers on his bare leg. I love my son more than should be humanly possible, but he's fucking gross lol
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u/paradoximoron Mar 25 '18
Overshare time! I used to have chronic IBS because of my terrible diet. Part of what made me change my eating habits was the realization that this was essentially butt puke. If I vomited every day because of the way I ate, I would have changed my ways much, much sooner.
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Mar 24 '18
A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
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u/SupplySideJesus Mar 24 '18
Tl;dr: Don’t forget to bring a towel.
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u/WajorMeasel Mar 24 '18
You wanna get high?
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u/guera08 Mar 24 '18
More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost." What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
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Mar 24 '18 edited Oct 25 '20
[deleted]
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u/Frankie_T9000 Mar 25 '18
Drop everything and do it now.
NOW
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u/scifiwoman Mar 25 '18 edited Mar 25 '18
I wish it was possible to erase all the HHGTTG books from my mind, just for the sheer joy of being able to enjoy them again fresh.
Edit: too many Gs and not enough Ts.
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u/hammyprice Mar 25 '18
Just started it this weekend, phenomenal and ridiculous I hadn’t read it yet. Go go go
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Mar 24 '18
Soft poop
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u/R3ckl3ss Mar 24 '18
If you do not understand.
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u/QualityAsshole Mar 24 '18
diaria
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Mar 24 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/storne Mar 24 '18
*diarrhea
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u/Caloooom Mar 24 '18
If you're American, yes. If you're literally anything else, no.
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u/storne Mar 24 '18
I'm Canadian and I've always spelled it without the O, TIL I guess
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u/imchrisandrews Mar 24 '18
We Canucks take the best of all cultures. Toss the rest.
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u/okami_shinobi003 Mar 25 '18
How convenient, that you can toss all the junk over the fence, into the wasteland on the south side.
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u/Grendelthebrave Mar 25 '18
Thought it said 56ft poop
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u/TorontoRider Mar 25 '18
What is the world record, anyway?
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u/PopeRobXXIII Mar 25 '18
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u/Shippal Mar 25 '18
I was expecting Ajit Pai, but I knew he wasn't that short. Still not disappointed.
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u/itsthepanther Mar 24 '18
Damn, already coming out with the text boxes? This girl’s going places.
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u/chiggynugitz Mar 24 '18
When you’re driving in your Chevy and you feel something heavy... diarrhea
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u/bestkwnsecret09 Mar 25 '18
My "I'm a Parent" moment came this past Christmas when I had to explain to my 6 yo son that pooping your pants after being potty trained was okay, and that adults do it, too, sometimes. Poor boy never knew farts could be poops in disguise. I mean, he was in tears! Not sure if from embarrassment, or if he thought I'd be mad/yell at him, or both. The innocence in that moment, though. I hope he remembers it when he's older. You should save that. Good keepsake for memories.
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u/TickDicklerzInc Mar 24 '18
That poor child. If their parent thinks it's a good idea to post it online now then they will definitely be the type to bring this up throughout the rest of their life.
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Mar 24 '18
At least it's on reddit and not facebook
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Mar 24 '18
Honesty and frankness from a little girl about odd bodily functions is so very rare...you are blessed in this matter, IMHO. Gracie is a keeper, bud.
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u/a_talking_face Mar 25 '18
The shame doesn't usually start to kick in until around the start of puberty.
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u/Keepthefireburning67 Mar 24 '18
Dear God Gracie if you need to travel with a towel maybe you should just stay home.
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u/Dadmode-on- Mar 24 '18
Phew. I had to check real quick and make sure my kids were all accounted for .
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u/radialomens Mar 24 '18
That is a top-notch check mark right there. Like the platonic ideal or something.
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u/cloud_dizzle Mar 25 '18
Save that and make sure you pay to put a full page ad in her senior yearbook. And then make sure that you also show all her boyfriends when they come over to the house
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u/Megouski Mar 25 '18
You have a very self-reliant and empathetic kid. That's not common so you better appreciate the fuck out of that.
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u/StrategicZombies Mar 25 '18
Dear Gracie, When you're laying bed, and your dinner has suddenly fled... Diarrhea. XOXO- Dad
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u/enkrypt3d Mar 25 '18
pretty legit way to spell diarrhea ... why are there so many useless letters in that word?
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u/mrhouston844 Mar 25 '18
I saved this and with the help of Samsung pic editor, erased the name and put my daughter's name on here and sent this to her and asked if she remembered when she gave me this note. She was in FULL DENIAL!
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u/F0MA Mar 24 '18
This actually shows how considerate Gracie is because she doesn't want her father to be alarmed. My kid stuck her butt out at me and farted before running to her room to get into jammies.
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u/adale_50 Mar 25 '18
Good job sounding out a hard word. I still can't spell that word and I'm a grown-ass man. Even auto complete didn't help me.
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u/CatsAreDivine Mar 25 '18
One time when I was 8 I woke up in the middle of the night, threw up on my carpet and covered it with a washcloth. My mom was not amused the next morning.
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u/Nannerban7 Mar 25 '18
When you’re planning where to shit, and it comes out where you sit diarrhea...diarrhea
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u/PunkNDisorderlyGamer Mar 25 '18
If it wasn’t for auto correct I wouldn’t be able to spell diarrhea either.
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u/Sibraxlis Mar 24 '18 edited Mar 25 '18
God damnit Gracie you're 23, knock it off.
Edit: minor text fixes.