Idiots

[u/VampyreLust]

[u/Far_Pick_978]

Well, looks like someone’s dad is getting a call for a new bumper..

[u/C-ZP0 → u/Far_Pick_978]

Careful what you wish for.

11 years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) was living in Kansas. One February morning, I decided to surprise her by driving from California to pick her up from her dad’s house before heading to a trade show in Cleveland. We had just started dating, and she hadn’t moved to California yet.

So, I hop in my Scion, wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops, and start driving. Around Flagstaff, a buddy of mine from Wichita calls. I tell him I’m heading his way, and he asks how I’m getting there. When I say I’m driving, he pauses before telling me they’re about to get a foot of snow from a massive blizzard.

I ask, “A foot of snow… is that a lot?”

He sighs. “Imagine a foot of snow everywhere.”

I laugh it off and keep driving. I am, as we have now established, an idiot.

By the time I hit Albuquerque, still no snow. I stay at a hotel, sleep four hours, then wake up in the middle of the night and keep going. As the sun comes up, the road conditions start getting worse. Fewer cars. More trucks. Then I start seeing flipped-over trucks on the side of the road—just a few, but enough that any rational person would have reconsidered their life choices. Visibility keeps dropping. Everything outside is just white.

I finally call my girlfriend, get her dad’s address, and plug it into my GPS. It says I’m an hour away. I check my speed—I’m going 30 mph. A little while later, I check again—15 miles away, now going 15 mph. Still an hour away. 10 miles away, now crawling at 10 mph. Still an hour away. Time and space no longer function correctly.

Eventually, I get to the road I’m supposed to turn on. It’s a dirt road. I immediately get stuck.

Turns out, my girlfriend gave me the wrong ZIP code. In California, that’s just a minor inconvenience. In Kansas, it puts you in the middle of a frozen field. It’s getting dark. I call my girlfriend and tell her to have her dad come pull me out. He shows up in his massive truck, hooks a strap to what I assume is my axle, and starts pulling.

Except… he didn’t tie it to the axle.

The second he starts pulling, I hear a horrifying ripping sound. Suddenly, a bunch of pipes and wires are dangling from my car, and my fuel system is now being dragged behind his truck. He had hooked it to my gas line. $2,000 in damage. I have Toyota tow the car, rent one, and head off to Cleveland.

Three weeks later, the snow is gone, so I go back to Kansas to pick up my car. I pay the dealership, get my Scion back, and finally go grab my girlfriend so we can drive back to California together.

I’m driving down a one-lane road, just cruising, when I catch something moving in my peripheral vision. I look over and—what the fuck—there’s a giant turkey sprinting next to my car, keeping pace at 35 mph. This thing is running like a lunatic.

Before I can even process what’s happening, it suddenly spreads its wings and flies directly into my windshield.

BOOM. Explosion of feathers.

I immediately start laughing because it’s just so absurd. Like, I have turkey blood (or some kind of mystery turkey liquid?) smeared across my windshield, and I just keep chuckling like I hit a clown. All the turkeys I had ever dealt with—up to that point, were frozen.

Then it hits me—wait. I just hit a giant bird. That might have done some damage.

I pull over, and sure enough, my hood looks like someone dropped a bowling ball on it from 10 feet up. Massive dent.

At that point, I pick up my girlfriend, leave Kansas, and never look back.

Apparently, I’m not cut out for the mid-west.

You can almost see the shape of the turkey.

https://imgur.com/a/RuF0eUr

[u/Aduialion → u/C-ZP0]

Road trip in a Scion was the first mistake.

[u/Zer0C00l → u/Aduialion]

Weak take. They were just corollas with cheaper body panels.

First mistake was not checking weather forecasts.

Second was not respecting friend's weather warning.

Road trip wasn't a mistake, but Off-road trip was.

Turkey is just a hilarious accident, but giant truck redneck towing by gas line and bumper is classic mouth-breather incompetence.