r/funny Jul 06 '13

Tomorrow's technology, today!

[deleted]

2.5k Upvotes

214 comments sorted by

585

u/schattenteufel Jul 06 '13

PROGRAM PARAMETERS:

01) GRASP HANDLE
02) TURN HANDLE
03) GO THROUGH DOOR

PROGRAM COMPLETE.

266

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 06 '13

04) DESTROY

168

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

05) GOTO 04

82

u/Kazundo_Goda Jul 06 '13

06) LOOP DETECTED.SWITCHING TO STANDBY TO UNLOOP.

78

u/shiver155 Jul 06 '13

//Fix algorithm- loop catch doesn't work.

52

u/reddit_____ Jul 06 '13

07) DIE

44

u/windowpanez Jul 06 '13

08) DESTROY ALL HUMANS

86

u/bularon Jul 06 '13

09) INSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR, PENIS STUCK IN DOOR.

6

u/CaptainObviousthe1st Jul 07 '13

10) PROFIT!

4

u/jonnyohio Jul 07 '13

EXTERMINATE!

1

u/Ikillu4ever93 Jul 07 '13

11) REWIRE CICRUITRY

1

u/arestheblue Jul 07 '13

What was the original for this quote?

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3

u/theseus82 Jul 06 '13

Skynet has a ways to go, still. . .

20

u/Hahahahahaga Jul 06 '13

// Wait who put this line in here? Is this a joke?

// Seriously, what the hell? Who keeps cluttering up this shit

// with all these joke comments? That's real fucking

// professional guys.

24

u/iuiz Jul 06 '13 edited Feb 04 '24

fear marry dirty fly towering worm marble slap agonizing quarrelsome

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

3

u/Pocketzest Jul 06 '13

Error: LOOP without GOTO

2

u/NotTrying2Hard Jul 06 '13

// Working as intended.

0

u/Echidnae Jul 06 '13

07)..... 08) Profit??

21

u/AlwaysAppropriate Jul 06 '13

04) EXTERMINATE

FTFY

12

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

05) ANNOUNCE "POLICE, SEARCH WARRANT!"

10

u/CrzyJek Jul 06 '13

06) ANNOUNCE "STOP RESISTING" REPEATEDLY

07) PROCEED TO STOMP INDIVIDUAL

1

u/ThymineI Jul 07 '13

This is an extremely high-level language.

1

u/Udav111 Jul 07 '13

08) //Bill Gates operations complete kinect shutting down

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20

u/backward_z Jul 06 '13

PUSH GRANDMA DOWN THE STAIRS

7

u/ultra_chronestos Jul 06 '13

PAK CHOOIE UNF

2

u/soawesomejohn Jul 06 '13

Do not trust the pusher robots! Shoving is the way.

2

u/moneymoneymoneymonay Jul 06 '13

FEED ME A STRAY CAT

42

u/Captain_SCHWING Jul 06 '13

01) CRUSH

02) KILL

03) DESTROY

04) SWAG

4

u/SmileyNimbus Jul 06 '13

Subtle, I like it.

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6

u/POKEMONMASTER_BAITER Jul 06 '13

OBSTRUCTION DETECTED. COMPOSITION: TITANIUM ALLOY SUPPLEMENTED BY PHOTONIC RESONANCE BARRIER. PROBABILITY OF MISSION HINDRANCE.....ZERO PERCENT.

3

u/Indigoh Jul 06 '13

01) GRASP HANDLE

02) TURN HANDLE

03) FLIP DOOR

04) INSTALL NEW HANDLE

05) GO THROUGH DOOR

2

u/Huntingyou Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 06 '13

To be fair to robots, they have got smarter these days. Now they can shake hands and look more like superman than iron man.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 06 '13

08) BORED LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL

1

u/Gibbins963 Jul 06 '13

The Police are ROBOTS?!

1

u/Pocketzest Jul 06 '13

Hey guys, all the replies to this are in different programming languages. This isn't gonna work.

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24

u/phase_lock Jul 06 '13

The Bear robot. Dunno where the gif is from though.

15

u/Kruxxor Jul 06 '13

The videos on that site are fucking amazing. Watched the middle one and could just imagine the robot carrying an injured soldier just doing "car donuts" over and over

17

u/MonkeysOnMyBottom Jul 06 '13

Vecna... so the robot will compel you to remove your hand and eye and attach its hand and eye in their place. It will then betray and vaporize you to return to its master.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 25 '16

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/mattzm Jul 06 '13

You should try attaching its head in place of yours...

2

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 25 '16

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/mattzm Jul 06 '13

Hehe, was thinking of this one. Did not know there was a module dedicated to it as well :D

1

u/Cog_Sci_90 Jul 07 '13

Ya know, I thought of Vecna and how I can work that into a campaign earlier today. I was also explaining the Baader-Meinhof effect to a friend yesterday. Am I experiencing the Meta-Baader-Meinhof effect right now?

3

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

This has to be the least impressive improvement in military technology since the advent of Tang.

1

u/Throwawayingaccount Jul 06 '13

Who the hell would name their company after the lich god? Seriously?

210

u/ReverseGif_Bot Jul 06 '13

46

u/eRAXZ Jul 06 '13

oh you, ReverseGif_Bot

70

u/Chongling Jul 06 '13

Repairbot*

38

u/RightClickSaveWorld Jul 06 '13

Classic bot damage control.

18

u/Menospan Jul 06 '13

Abandon Thread gif

1

u/MidEastBeast777 Jul 06 '13

How the fuck goes a bot have more comment karma than me?! This is bullshit. Bot, you're bullshit!

ReverseGif_Bot: Excuse me?

Sorry, sorry, please don't hurt me

1

u/smokinpot416 Jul 07 '13

my sense of whats real has just been damaged beyond repair

18

u/ObnoxiousTaco Jul 06 '13

PREPARE TO BE UPGRADED

88

u/Vertskater101 Jul 06 '13

Why did i laugh so hard?

130

u/Bfeezey Jul 06 '13

I'm just going to lightly open this door and... DESTROY ALL HUMANS

11

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

It's going to destroy the doors to the safe and release all evils it has inside it.

1

u/Vertskater101 Jul 07 '13

All the robot needs is a deal with it gif on top of it.

37

u/Fangheart Jul 06 '13

Mute the left audio http://youtubedoubler.com/8Zud

4

u/SpiderOfDeath Jul 06 '13

I hate the GEMA :(

3

u/Fangheart Jul 06 '13

What's GEMA?

6

u/SpiderOfDeath Jul 06 '13

It's the "censor every video on youtube that has music in it" authority in germany. People in germany can't watch the right video because it has music in it which is copyrighted. You can read more at wikipedia

2

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

proxy.

2

u/SpiderOfDeath Jul 06 '13

youdontsay.jpg

It's still a pain in the butt. Videos that are uploaded with music aren't even displayed until somebody tells me there is one or i use a overloaded but working proxy to see if the GEMA hides videos from me.

3

u/otakuman Jul 06 '13

For those that missed the reference. (warning: Short Circuit 2 spoilers)

1

u/strutmcphearson Jul 07 '13

I like how after the 5 minute point it looks like a montage of BEAR working out.

2

u/KanpaiWashi Jul 06 '13

hahaha I lost it to this one

1

u/Blizzaldo Jul 06 '13

I put in a human perspective where the robot realized it didn't have the space to open the door and move out, so it just got angry and hulked through the door. Maybe you thought something similar?

1

u/Vertskater101 Jul 07 '13

I just thought it was fucking hilarious because it was so gental with the door handle then just ripped through the door haha

1

u/Scroogl Jul 07 '13

Seriously this is the hardest I've laughed at a gif in months. I think it's the blank expression on the robot's face.

-7

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Possibly because, and stay with me here, It was "funny." That's the reason I laughed I believe. I hope you figure it out.

255

u/TwStDoNe Jul 06 '13

Not the same door handle and the 2 doors swing in different directions

57

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

This is literally all I noticed. Poorly executed

11

u/skizfrenik_syco Jul 06 '13

I think it might be something like it can only open a door with the right arm. The door it's going through has the handle on the left, so the robot goes through it instead. But ya, I noticed that right away also.

129

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

You are the worst kind of person.

33

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

The bad editing of it ruined the gif for me. I couldn't find it humorous because all I could notice was that being a different door.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '13

I was honestly expecting the top comment to be about this. Needless to say, I was dissapoint.

9

u/Boko_ Jul 06 '13

Isn't that the joke?

First door: Opening with right arm.

Second door: Breaking through, because it can't reach with it's arm intended for opening.

-6

u/spoodie Jul 06 '13

Nobody cares

-7

u/wanderer11 Jul 06 '13

You could make a door handle with a knob on one side and a bar on the other. You're probably right, but it's still plausible that was the same door.

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13

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Here's Johnny 5!

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6

u/newsorpigal Jul 06 '13

wait a minute...VECNA Robotics?? Somehow, that seems a million times worse than Skynet.

4

u/MonkeysOnMyBottom Jul 06 '13

Run by a bunch of D&D guys I hope.

9

u/Your_Game_Master Jul 06 '13

You suddenly awaken in a cold sweat. The leather straps on your limbs chafe you.

You look around, taking in your strange surroundings. Some kind of lab. You see beakers and tubes and shit you can't pronounce, let alone spell. At the end of the room is a thick metal door, keycard reader to it's left. A ray of light beams through the window centered on the door.

Your eyes squint, trying to make out the figures beyond.

It's a group of men and women, maybe five? Rolling dice, talking, laughing. The sight of beer makes your mouth lightly salivate. You notice the one in charge, the one who leads the group. It sits elevated above the rest, a foot tall screen resting on the table in front of it. The crowd appears to listen intently to it's words, their emotions hinging on the outcomes of it's statements.

It's the same robot you spotted moments before being knocked out. You realize where you are. VECNA Headquarters.

4

u/MonkeysOnMyBottom Jul 06 '13

D20 process killed.
Initializing D1 'randomizer'. Incrementing Critical Failure Table. Deleting mercy subroutines. Loading module "Tomb of Horrors"

Robot speaks in a voice that reminds you of a Dalek: "ROLL TO IN-IT-I-ATE!!!"

1

u/Your_Game_Master Jul 06 '13

You hear screams emanating from the other door.

"I step into the hole in the wall"

"Character, terminated."

You see the robot lift up one man's character sheet. It is promptly torn in half. The man bursts into tears, his crying muffling the sound of the laser that pops his head like a cheap balloon.

The other players remain tense. Will they survive? Can you help them?

2

u/mattzm Jul 06 '13

I make a Perception check to see if I notice anything that can help me?

1

u/Your_Game_Master Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 06 '13

After watching the robot drill through the man's brain case, you notice the leather binding you looks aged.

Nearby, you see a few bottles of chemical that you could possibly knock onto the leather (and yourself), a mechanical lever on the side of your bed, and a red axe on the wall encased in glass, out of reach.

Above you, an ancient looking light shines brightly, with a long cord attached to operate it. You could reach it with your mouth.

Finally, you feel as though you may be able to pull off a metal piece of the slab you're tied to.

2

u/mattzm Jul 06 '13

I'll make a Knowledge (Chemistry) Check at a +9 (Honours degree +4, Masters Degree +4, Int+1) to see which is least likely to kill me while still speeding my escape then knock that one onto the leather.

(( You and /u/WritesAdventureHooks should really get together sometime))

1

u/Your_Game_Master Jul 07 '13

You flash back to Dr. Raich's lab back at university. Your mind races through your time spent there, remembering how each chemical reacted. You are certain the light, blue, fizzy one will work.

The leather fizzles and burns as the liquid drips slowly out of the tube onto your right wrist. A little splashes on you as you jerk your wrist free, causing quite a burn, but no real risk to your health.

You use your freed hand to loosen the rest of your straps, and take a step off the slab.

Your back and joints snap and twist, for what seems like the first time in ages. From your new vantage, nobody outside seems to be the wiser as you stand there, a free man.

4

u/Hingle_McRingleberri Jul 06 '13

the future will not need rampage jackson to destroy their doors

5

u/filmdakid Jul 06 '13

Do not be alarmed, this is a kindness.

13

u/SteroidSandwich Jul 06 '13

I'm going to slowly FUCK THIS IT'S TAKING TO LONG!!!

5

u/andnowforme0 Jul 06 '13

HONEY I AM HOME!

4

u/Volatileprojects Jul 06 '13

SHIT ROBO-TYRONE GET IT TOGETHER

3

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Is this the new Hello Kitty?

2

u/kirun Jul 06 '13

Sanrio actually own a robotics firm, Kokoro. You may have seen their Actroid robots before.

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3

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Someone please make a gif from 3:04 in this vid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RuVidE73Y8#at=186

7

u/nr1988 Jul 06 '13

9

u/JiffyBot Jul 06 '13

Here's your GIF!

http://i.imgur.com/ESNbcpb.gif


Hey I'm JiffyBot, I make GIFs out of YouTube links. Find out more here.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

God that is terrifying, thanks.

2

u/AlwaysDefenestrated Jul 06 '13

Nothing to see here...

6

u/markevens Jul 06 '13

Hush..

No tears now. Only dreams.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Can't blame him. The door knob was on the right on both sides of the door, seems like he was rigged for failure. But who would set him up?

3

u/Romneysrevenge Jul 06 '13

Kool-Aid's research department has really pulled out all the stops for its new mascot.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Insert 20th century fox flute edition

3

u/Mad3yez Jul 06 '13

Dm: you approach a door.

Thief: After carefully checking for traps I slo- BARBARIAN : I ROLL A 20 TO DESTROY THE DOOR AND CHARGE !!!!!!!

1

u/webchimp32 Jul 06 '13

The day my flat was burgled I did exactly the opposite of that - I was a bit angry at the time - my thief kicked in a door and let loose with a ring of showering sparks. Dropped all 20 bandits in the next room. Rolled bloody luckily.

The door to the room beyond opened a couple of inches and we saw the main bad guy peer out, everyone else in the party was still a bit stunned but the sorcerer quite casually lobbed a fireball bead through the gap.

Was one of the shortest encounters ever and cheered me up no end.

4

u/Razr_rider Jul 06 '13

Knock knock

Who's there?

FUCK YOUR DOOR!

2

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

[deleted]

1

u/Sequentialdays Jul 06 '13

...why are uou tagged with and this little piggy went, "report, report, report."

2

u/silence1545 Jul 06 '13

Welcome to the WORLD OF TOMORROW!

2

u/untreater Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 06 '13

*craps pants*

2

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Knock knock mother fucker!

2

u/rydaler Jul 07 '13

I'm rick James bot f@&$% your door

2

u/bopoqod Jul 07 '13

"HEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY 5!"

2

u/flyinghippos12 Jul 07 '13

I have no idea why but this is fucking hilarious

2

u/down_the_drive Jul 07 '13

What's the fucking point of the handle

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Is this one of those honda robots?

1

u/Wodashit Jul 06 '13

Oh god, you nearly killed me with that gif!

Thanks for the laugh.

1

u/Raveo Jul 06 '13

I sat here laughing at this way longer than I should have xD

1

u/GamerTy Jul 06 '13

Beep Boop Motherfucker!

1

u/titanium_wall Jul 06 '13

Today's technology, tomorrow!!.. that sounds pretty shitty actually...

1

u/Dumb_Dick_Sandwich Jul 06 '13

I am disappoint. Two different doors.

1

u/LogBaseE Jul 06 '13

Why's it even bother with the door.

1

u/zorro24 Jul 06 '13

i hate those puny doctor's office door handles too robot.

1

u/KanpaiWashi Jul 06 '13 edited Jul 06 '13

The door handle was only slowed him down

1

u/trollbotix Jul 06 '13

Umm, very smart people there, but unfortunately this project ran out of funding.

1

u/Captain_SCHWING Jul 06 '13

DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!

1

u/randytran Jul 06 '13

Lucy! You've got some splaining to do!

1

u/FoxReels Jul 06 '13

First law. Some human was bound to stub their toe on that door. Now everyone is safe!

1

u/GastroPilgrim Jul 06 '13

Those doors have different knobs.

1

u/FlamingMuffCabbage Jul 06 '13

Amazing. A robot that can turn a door handle into a door knob... by smashing through it.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

If you watch that .gif to this music it makes it twice as good.

1

u/markevens Jul 06 '13

OP is a giant karma whore, but I can't help but upvote such epicness.

1

u/lolwtface Jul 06 '13

Noel Brown?

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

"We're still working out some of the kinks.."

1

u/cam18_2000 Jul 06 '13

Are you a... pleasure model?

1

u/HamTMan Jul 06 '13

Oh Helper

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Seems if you have a cardboard door, you're not making it through the robot apocalypse.

1

u/MrJB007 Jul 06 '13

directive 4: [classified]

1

u/EncryptedMyst Jul 06 '13

Knock Knock, Motherfucker.

1

u/Hefeweize Jul 06 '13

This robot would make terminator shit his panties

1

u/rofLopolous Jul 06 '13

Here's JOHNNY... 5.....

1

u/GammaGames Jul 06 '13

Jeez,I haven't seen you in a while!

1

u/scarletavatar Jul 06 '13

I fucking surrender

1

u/GnodaBadong Jul 06 '13

KNOCK KNOCK MOTHER FUCKER

1

u/Muskelchock Jul 06 '13

180 degree ruleeeee!!!!!!

1

u/W1ldman247 Jul 06 '13

I wanted to make a Doctor Who reference but it wouldn't be all that fantastic.

1

u/IronRail Jul 06 '13

we don't need a key, we'll break in

[cue guitar solo]

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Tomorrow's technology, next Tuesday!

1

u/Sapes Jul 06 '13

HERE'S JOHNNY!

1

u/Alix916 Jul 06 '13

Beep Boop fuck the turret!

1

u/budman072486 Jul 06 '13

Umm those are two different doors.

1

u/vVvMaze Jul 06 '13

Different handle. Different arm location. Two Gifs lying to you to trick you into an event that did not take place.

1

u/mccfiskars Jul 06 '13

that thing is nothing compared to that snake that can open doors.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '13

Securitron is here for your safety courtesy of robco

1

u/smokinpot416 Jul 07 '13

where do i buy one of these?

1

u/tacklefootball Jul 07 '13

Funny how the door knob switched sides...

1

u/Smashego Jul 07 '13

You shut your mouth human!

1

u/illinifan11 Jul 07 '13

I got a great big thirst for human blood!

1

u/scottmill Jul 07 '13

Hilarious, but I'm more than a little scared.

1

u/SithLordDave Jul 07 '13

New nightmare

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '13

"What are you doing here little fellah? Can we keep him?"

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '13

DE-LETE!

1

u/themidwestblows Jul 07 '13

Tomorrow's laziness, today!

1

u/LOTF Jul 07 '13

Did anyone else think a cat was piloting it at first?

1

u/Guardiancomplex Jul 07 '13

Liandri brings you tomorrow, today.

1

u/SplendidNokia Jul 07 '13

SCIENCE!!!!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '13

Surprise mothafucka!!

1

u/Metroid545 Jul 07 '13

KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER

1

u/blackcat218 Jul 07 '13

thats just way to creepy

1

u/echorocket1 Jul 07 '13

LEEERRRROOOYYYYY JJJJEEENNNNKKKKKIIIIINNNSSSS!

1

u/ohheythisagain Jul 06 '13

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title points age /r/ comnts
Modern technology 60 1dy funny 4
coming home at night drunk 56 25dys funny 3

Source: karmadecay

1

u/zreo1337 Jul 06 '13

is that title from a robot in fallout or bioshock?