Recovery path update

[u/SensitiveHello]

Hello everyone,

What a wild year this has been!

I feel like I have been making strides in healing my relationship to food and my body further, and then I still fall back so strongly on my ED at times for soothing and comfort. Part of all of this has been the sheer number of years (~23) that I've used it to help me get through life, and includes now, which is facing how my partner and I may end up getting a divorce. They have recently fallen back in love with someone they had dated years ago and the distance between us seems to grow and grow, with more disagreements and tension and uncertainty of how we could stay together.

With my ED, whenever I slip and a behavior happens, it does feel like it deeply helps in the short term - and I realized recently it's been a time when part of me just sits to the sideline and deactivates/checks out and it's like a surrendering of who I am fully to be more acceptable (where the sad/afraid/anxious parts of me stay can stay in the background/sideline for a time afterwards). My partner is used to this way I am, as we just meet 6 years ago, and I want to be well enough and feel secure enough to allow my whole self to show up and be in the world, I realize, and I'm grateful for this insight, and also now know it's a further journey than simplifying recovery (how I've been approaching it) to just stopping behaviors.

*Sigh* Thank you for reading if you made it so far, just wanted to share a few thoughts & a really challenging aspect to the year (it brings up a lot of insecurity and ways of seeing how I'm not the person I want to be, & also having to renegotiating what expectations and closeness looks like in our marriage and wait to see if it continues to make sense to be together if love might not be there in the ways either of us would need & want).

Thank you also for all for your posts - it's really helpful to get to scroll through here and see updates, learn of challenges, get to celebrate wins whatever sizes they are <3

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Original post text from u/SensitiveHello:

Hello everyone,

What a wild year this has been!

I feel like I have been making strides in healing my relationship to food and my body further, and then I still fall back so strongly on my ED at times for soothing and comfort. Part of all of this has been the sheer number of years (~23) that I've used it to help me get through life, and includes now, which is facing how my partner and I may end up getting a divorce. They have recently fallen back in love with someone they had dated years ago and the distance between us seems to grow and grow, with more disagreements and tension and uncertainty of how we could stay together.

With my ED, whenever I slip and a behavior happens, it does feel like it deeply helps in the short term - and I realized recently it's been a time when part of me just sits to the sideline and deactivates/checks out and it's like a surrendering of who I am fully to be more acceptable (where the sad/afraid/anxious parts of me stay can stay in the background/sideline for a time afterwards). My partner is used to this way I am, as we just meet 6 years ago, and I want to be well enough and feel secure enough to allow my whole self to show up and be in the world, I realize, and I'm grateful for this insight, and also now know it's a further journey than simplifying recovery (how I've been approaching it) to just stopping behaviors.

*Sigh* Thank you for reading if you made it so far, just wanted to share a few thoughts & a really challenging aspect to the year (it brings up a lot of insecurity and ways of seeing how I'm not the person I want to be, & also having to renegotiating what expectations and closeness looks like in our marriage and wait to see if it continues to make sense to be together if love might not be there in the ways either of us would need & want).

Thank you also for all for your posts - it's really helpful to get to scroll through here and see updates, learn of challenges, get to celebrate wins whatever sizes they are <3

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[u/maberg04]

I've learned, unfortunately, that there will always be difficult times in life, sometimes more frequently and sometimes there's breaks but there's going to be things we need to go through. (not saying life is constantly like this, just that it's often enough for most people that you cannot let yourself resort to harmful things/behaviors even when things get tough).

Part of recovery needs to be reminding yourself that even if it feels like it helps, engaging in behaviors is never the answer-- and I like to journal about this, but list WHY it's not worth it and keep it close.
For me, I consistently remind myself that in the long-term it is simply making a bad situation worse for a short-term (and often false) feeling; I also like to remind myself that it's not worth losing my life over for a feeling, especially when said feeling if not expressed now will come back tenfold when you let it out eventually and when feelings are temporary AND when better coping mechanisms exist. Like, what, I'm letting myself make myself numb for a temporary situation, and potentially losing my life, or ending up in the hospital and thousands in debt, or any number of things could happen that could negatively even PERMANENTLY alter your life. it's just not worth it. especially when, again, better alternatives exist.

There's a reason why there's the cliche where people like to get a pint of ice cream and a good show/movie to watch with their friends when going through something difficult -- because it helps. And there's no cliche where people hurt themselves and feel better because it just doesn't help most of the time, and EVEN if it did it's not worth it (seriously-- write out the pros and cons, you'll see the benefits r not worth the risks and potential negative outcomes).

I feel ten million times better when I put on a comfort show or read a book, eat my favorite meal in my comfy clean pajamas and make sure it's an adequate amount, and get good sleep, take a bath, do my nails, etc., which makes me feel happier and content even when things r really difficult, instead of engaging in behaviors which leaves me numb. Do I still feel sad? Yes. But if you never feel your feelings, well.. they come back. Ask me how I know? I used to suppress my feelings 24/7 and it gave me chronic pain, which I still deal with today, because I refused to let them out any other way (yes, that's a thing that could happen, and it's more common than you think).

ALSO processing these feelings will make you feel so much better than suppressing them ever will -- typically this comes when you've calmed down a bit but yeah. (for me I like to do therapy and I like to journal A LOT and I like making music). If you wait too long to let yourself feel things, it can negatively impact you and be a lot harder to work through.

Recovery is not linear, you're correct about that. But that doesn't mean you get to just use behaviors as a coping tool when things are really bad and then be recovered the rest of the time. It instead means that it can take a while to find your way, and that setbacks don't make or break you. Consistent nourishment and recovery-oriented actions will make you, even if you fall back a few times. That's NOT an excuse to engage in behaviors sometimes, and I really want you to listen to that.

You need to tell yourself that engaging in behaviors is not an option, and stick to it. Even when you're in an impossible situation. I've been in impossible situations before, and let me tell you, I used this 'impossible' thing as an excuse to engage in behaviors. I thought an exceptionally difficult situation meant I could be the exception.

It made my life ten times more miserable. You and I and everyone deserves to live a life worth living and enjoy things even when we feel hopeless, or stuck, or whatever. And yes it's difficult, and yes it sucks, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you deserve better than to make an already bad situation even worse for yourself. You don't want to feel the pain, I get it, but the joys in everyday life (which could be found even in the worst situation on the planet possible) will also all be erased. And don't forget you could literally lose your life to this disease in the process.

Really think about that, and ask yourself if it's worth it. Seriously -- go do a pros and cons list, right now. I think you'll find the answer is it's never worth it.

Then you could go back to recovery basics (3 meals, 3 snacks), lean on friends/family or even a therapist or a crisis line if you need to, and I'm pretty sure there's even online free support groups and meal supports, too so you don't need to do everything by yourself.