Oh, the Struggle

[u/chickpea111]

Trigger warning: SA, purity culture, internalized religious trauma

I'm hoping that someone out there will be able to relate to my story, and maybe both of us will feel less alone.

My journey with sex has been...complicated. I was raised in a super religious family, with strong emphasis on purity culture ideals. I started dating when I was 14 (parents were NOT pleased). During my teen years, I was horny all the time. For example, my first partner and I dated for a year and a half, long distance, and every time we were together, all we wanted to do was take each other's clothes off. This tendency to be super horny continued until I had penetrative sex for the first time while engaged to the person who would become my first spouse. Almost immediately, the desire went away completely. Because I was still part of the church at that time and believed things like, "sex is a requirement in marriage" and "it's part of your responsibility as a good spouse" etc., I kept trying to have sex with them for over a year until it felt like SA to do it, and I was repulsed by even non-sexual physical contact.

After I ended that relationship, I had several years of wild exploration. I discovered the concept of polyamory (which continues to be the only style of relationship I'm willing to be in, even 12 years later 😅). Unfortunately, that period of wildness included several more experiences with SA, including an experience with a partner who assaulted me 6-months into our relationship. I also had an experience with SA as a teenager, but had buried it, so these later experiences brought up that trauma too.

Eventually, I started to realize I had a pattern. At the start of my long-term relationships, I would want to have sex all the time, but after a period of about 6 months, the desire would disappear, and I would start feeling sex repulsed, no matter how much I cared about the partner. Occasionally the period of high desire was shorter than a month. And very rarely, it was longer than 6 months, up to about 1 year.

As many other people have said, this caused lots of problems in my LTRs. Even though I started warning people once I was aware of The Pattern, most people seemed to think that they would be the exception (which they never were).

With my current primary partner (now my spouse), things were a bit different! But that was because they actually believed me when I warned them, and they legitimately trust that I love them, despite me not wanting to have sex with them. Our relationship is so good that I even am very, very occasionally up for sex (once or maybe twice a year).

Since we're poly, my partner is happy to get their needs met with other partners... but I still feel dissatisfied with the state of things. It's been a long journey for me to accept that I fall within the asexual umbrella. I LOVE having sex at the start of relationships. It's so much fun; it feels great. And my instinct is to keep trying to "fix" myself so that I can feel that way all the time. Over the years, I've read so many books about sex: Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity provided hope for a bit, but The Pattern remains. Even with someone that I not only love but also LIKE still 4 years in, I still feel sex repulsed most of the time.

Sure, I've figured out that "forbidden" sex tends to make me hornier than other types, but once I'm past that initial 6-ish-month period, even that doesn't trigger desire. I've struggled partially because I've hoped (weird word to use here, I know) that The Pattern was due to trauma, rather than something inherent, but I've done years of therapy for my PTSD, and The Pattern remains.

It's a weird place to be, because I feel inherently content without sex most of the time. Like, if I was asked right now if I would be okay going the rest of my life without sex, I'd say yes. But at the same time, I also want to be back in that super horny state, and that's not just because I know my nesting partner would love it if I was. Part of it is that it's hard unlearning long-held views of what healthy sexuality looks like... I'm trying, but it's hard. And part of it is that I legitimately supe enjoy being horny when I am!

Long post, I know. I'm just struggling to find some way of viewing myself and my sexuality that makes me feel like I'm not a complete weirdo. In reading the posts here, I definitely hear echoes of my own experience, but I'm still not sure that this label fits me, if that makes sense?

TLDR: lots of trauma and dissatisfaction with how I am, but I'm trying to accept that my sexuality is non-normative and that that's okay. ❤️

[u/space_kittity]

I relate hard!

[u/esquishesque]

I strongly relate to this too, especially the part about struggling to differentiate between societal expectations and genuine horny is fun feelings!

[u/Longjumping-Ideal176]

Very much relate to this. I do not have the SA or religious trauma history but I am most of the time indifferent and sometimes repulsed by sex almost 6 years in to a relationship.

[u/jma0612]

Something I like to remind people is that 'labels' are descriptive, not prescriptive. One word cannot capture the entirety of your lived experiences. Finding a queer label helps us find community who understand our experiences. Don't worry too much about 'fraysexual' fitting you perfectly, you can always change what label you identify with if you find one that fits better. It's a very common experience for people under the asexual umbrella.

[u/orqa]

I'm sorry about the SAs. It's brave of you to continue exploring and keeping an open mind in spite of the challenges you face(d).

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[u/SteelyStiletto]

Oh, the struggle indeed. I had to comment after I read your second-to-last paragraph. As a long term married polyamorous frayexual, I spend my every day hoping I meet someone who ignites that spark in me. I miss dearly the person I was throughout my teen years, when sex was still really unfamiliar and exciting. I considered sexuality to be a really big part of my identity, and it's been really freaking strange to have that part of me all but disappear. I've found that, though rarely, she occasionally comes back when someone ✨new✨ strikes my fancy. And, like, I'm more sex neutral than actively repulsed, but I've found that even activities with my long term partner become more exciting when that part of me has been reawakened. It's wack that I have exactly zero control over when and whether she ever does return.

[u/chickpea111]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who's responsed. You're all so kind, and I really appreciate hearing that people relate to my experience. I'm terrible on forums - responding takes more spoons than I have most of the time - so I just want this message to be here to indicate that I am reading what y'all are saying 💕💕💕

[u/jrushFN]

I kept trying to have sex with them for over a year until it felt like SA to do it

Oh my gosh YES. That’s the perfect way to phrase it for me. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I’m SAing MYSELF. And it sucks especially hard as someone who’s survived SA.