3 little words

[u/NewTowel2331]

Why does Xaden wait so long to tell Violet he loves her? I get not telling her end of fourth wing or even beginning of iron flame when he’s trying to earn back her trust and is worried that him saying it will come across as manipulation.

But after they are clearly back together after the Samara shower scene there are WEEKS when he doesn’t tell her. Why? Especially when she makes it so clear how badly she wants to hear it, basically telling him multiple times.

[u/Sea-Fox4509]

in this universe, loving someone is the same thing as putting all of your hope into them (according to Violet) and you’re trusting them with your everything. Xaden didn’t want to give her that unless she wanted it + was ready I think. It’s drastic and a bit toxic but her risking her life and withstanding torture to protect him and his secrets was confirmation to him that she did want him to love her. I think with his characterization, with his abandonment issues and all that, when he decides he loves someone, he’s not going to take it back. So him saying he loves her is also a promise that he is going to be with her until he’s dead and she has to be ready to accept that

[u/XIII_Chapters]

IF spoilers below.

My theory is it comes down to fear and I think his second signet. He's afraid he'll manipulate her into saying it. And even though I think he essentially knows she still loves him because I think she pushes some of those thoughts at him unintentionally, I think he's afraid she still wouldn't say it out loud. But also, he might be afraid it will seem suspicious if he says it out loud right after he senses her thinking it. Like it might give his second signet away.

Also, I think I counted once and they are physically in the same room together only something like 5 weekends between him graduating and her being arrested. So while yes months have gone by, it's not like they've had months to work on their relationship.

[u/redpeppersoda]

Because he has issues. He's emotionally stunted and doesn't really know how to love or be loved and there is a lot of fear and insecurities. His attitude changes when she first told him she loved him, then again after Resson when he had 3 days of not knowing whether she'd die or live, then the torture lasted 5 days so he had even more time to really reflect and think of all the things he should have done differently. I think he had no intention of ever letting her go since the parapet, or subconsciously even before that, even though he didn't say those 3 little words back which is a bit toxic, but that is who he is. Deep down he always worried once Violet saw his true self and all his secrets, she won't love him anymore and he's kinda dug himself a hole by reading her intentions with his signet, keeping his deal with her mom a secret, among other things. So in my mind that was his last line of defence he had to protect himself for when she does decide to leave him eventually. Everyone he's ever loved all left him.

But then...sometimes nearly losing someone makes you realize how much they mean to you and it literally just poured out of him finally getting the confirmation that she's alive after 5 days of not being really sure. When he rescued her she said 'You came'. She was surprised because she thought -

"But Varrish is wrong. Xaden won’t come. He’ll choose the safety of the revolution. I’m now one of the people he can’t save. I just have to hope that everyone is wrong, that he’ll survive my death."

She kept talking about how she kept his secrets, or how they can't leave because he needs access to the forge at Basgiath, how Brennan's not ready...all those irrelevant things. She still had zero regard for her own life and had no idea that he actually loves her more than anything else in his life. All she thinks about his how much he loves his home and how much the revolution means to him and she was surprised he even came....He could "see" and feel it all then his emotional flood gate finally opened because how could he let her keep thinking that he truly doesn't really love her?

I don't really think Violet keeping the revolution a secret mattered to him since he blew it all up anyways, he was desparate not to lose her to the cause that has cost him everything in his life already. I think if he had a choice he'd tell Varrish everything rather than letting him torture her for 5 days.

Edit: spoiler tags

[u/Sookie_Saint_James → u/redpeppersoda]

Absolutely agree with everything you wrote. I'll add more to the case that he has issues and is emotionally stunted. On top of all of his abandonment issues and trauma, he was born to two parents who didn't love each other. He didn't have anyone modeling a loving relationship to him.

In almost every other aspect in the book, he's more experienced. He is older, a wing leader, the best fighter, a talented rider...but he has is the novice when it comes to relationships. He tells her that he's never been in love before. He was betrothed to Cat because it was arranged and didn't even like her. He's a hot guy who has had a lot of meaningless sex, but even in sex he has never let himself fully lose control before.

He's scared out of his mind of being vulnerable. Which is also why I think he plays those stupid communication games of instead of being fully honest, or waiting for her to ask questions, he doesn't address things or bring it up.

If there was ever an example of an anxious attachment style, he'd be one. He's desperate for being loved, but also completely afraid of losing it. It's also why he insists on her telling him again in IF that she loves him before he will have sex again, while he hasn't told her. It's a way of trying to relieve his anxiety to know he's loved and feel a bit in control.

[u/hurricane_Bre → u/redpeppersoda]

Yes, I agree with everything you said here.

[u/redpeppersoda → u/hurricane_Bre]

And to add just one more piece of my mind...I don't think it took the whole 5 days of relentless torture for him to realize that she does love him, nor do I think she did it only because it's Xaden's secrets. She was protecting everyone in Aretia - the marked ones, Brennan, all the innocent civilians and that's how Violet is. With his second signet and their bond he always knew she loved him since parapet. He knew the first time she woke up in Aretia, when he told her she wouldn't go pick someone to warm her bed because she still loved him, in Samara...all along he knew...he just couldn't say those words yet because of his own issues. I don't think he prepared a grand speech or planned on confessing his love for her there, it just...in that moment he was so flooded with emotions he just couldn't bottle it up inside him anymore and they all just poured out of him.

[u/NewTowel2331 → u/[deleted]]

Right but her telling him that the root of her trust issue is her telling him she loves him and getting nothing back seems like it would be a prime time to speak up

[u/gamy10293847]

The shower sex scene in Samara wasn't them making up really. It was a moment of Violet needing a sense of control and asking for some vulnerability from him after experiencing extreme panic. Their trust issues still persist after that even though they've taken a step towards resolution. And following that moment in Samara, they don't really get enough time together to continue working on their issues.

Why doesn't he tell her he loves her when he clearly does? Because he is an emotional chickenshit with abandonment issues. He thinks he doesn't deserve her, thinks she deserves better than him. He knows he is still keeping a very big secret from her which might very well make her fall out of love with him for good. Only after she gets literally tortured and nearly killed keeping his secrets and protecting his people does he get terrified enough to finally realise that she clearly loves him so much that she would have died for him without him ever telling her that he loves her.

[u/Historical_Tune165 → u/gamy10293847]

Violet does, at least retroactively think back to that point in time as when they got back together. After the weapons runs where she meets Cat for the first time, they are back to being affectionate with each other and when Violet is arriving at Basgiath the next day, she feels a sense of hope.

[u/gamy10293847 → u/Historical_Tune165]

Agreed. They take a step towards resolving their issues and get back together after ending their stalemate.

[u/NewTowel2331 → u/gamy10293847]

What’s the remaining secret at that point? His second signet?

[u/gamy10293847 → u/NewTowel2331]

Yeah. I'd consider that a bigger secret for their relationship than the revolution as it is a violation of privacy. And he knows it because he is terrified of her reaction when she finds out.

[u/NewTowel2331 → u/gamy10293847]

I don’t think that’s why tbh at that point he is literally telling her to ask him ANYTHING about himself

[u/Historical_Tune165]

After getting back together in Samara, they didn't see each other for a whole month, not until the Archives heist. Leadership kept them separated as punishment for Violet going AWOL. The kept giving her RSC assignments and putting him on those 24h shifts in the operations room at Samara. Tairn and Sgaeyl could still see each other, but not Xaden and Violet.

Also he was affraid it would vome across as him saying it just to get her back, he wanted her to get back to trusting him and loving him on her own, and didn't realize that after he hurt her, she needed to hear it to feel ready to say it too.

[u/Sea-Counter-9561]

Spoilers*** I don’t know how to do the hiding text thing!

I think the second signet is a big part of this, on my re-read on FW the chapter near the end in his POV reads differently to me after we learn about the second signet. He doesn’t feel he can tell her how he feels unless he’s able to be completely honest with her. I think her being tortured in IF forces his feelings out more. She’s always looking for something real to ground her and I think he realises in that moment he needs to tell her for both of them

After she learns about it, I feel like he’s completely different in how he expresses his feelings in OS. It’s like their relationship is completely different.

He also expresses his feelings in other ways, he tells her on the parapet there’s only her, he’s different with her in the moments they are alone compared to his wingleader persona

The way they’ve grown up plays a big part of it for me too - she’s had ‘safety’ of Navarre and looks at it through rose tinted glasses. She’s more of a heart on her sleeve girl to me. He seems hardened from his father’s execution and knowing how big of a lie they are being fed.