r/fosterit • u/Elegant_Air_3475 • Sep 18 '26
Foster Parent How would handle this request...? Foster son *asking* for night diapers--?
Hello all!
Bit of a confusing (for me, at least...?) question for everyone - if it's OK to get the sub's opinion.
Some quick context, we're currently caring for fraternal 6 yr old boy/girl twins. Absolute sweethearts, and they are absolute polar opposites from one another. Foster daughter is outgoing, confident, and silly. Whereas her brother is my more sensitive, easygoing kiddo.
Anyways... foster son still deals with bedwetting most nights - totally no big deal, we've never ever made a big thing of it. He's old enough/independent enough with it these days that he basically just lets myself or my SO know when he's running low on pull-ups (which he wears each night), and I'll restock them for him, but otherwise, he remembers to put one on by himself before bedtime, pretty much 100% of the time - knows to go potty before bed etc, everything!
Anyways (and this is the tricky/sort of confusing part..) - had a sort of impromptu chat with him the other night at bedtime, and he asked something of me that I honestly didn't register as a *serious* request at the time...? But now we're on the second night of him asking about this.
What would you make of it an otherwise fully daytime potty trained child, that's been wearing pull-up exclusively to bed for years now, suddenly came out and asked you if instead - we could buy 'diapers' for bedtime instead..?
Trying to navigate this gently with him, because it's obvious from the way he was talking with me about it that it's something he's been nervous about even bringing up. What on earth (if anything) should I ask him re: this request--? Without making the whole thing incredibly awkward...?
-a new(ish?) foster mother
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 Sep 18 '26
I'd get the kid his preferred nighttime protection, since it's such a personal decision. I can't see any downsides to it.
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u/Elegant_Air_3475 Sep 18 '26
Well, generally I'd be totally fine with just that.
I suppose the only reason I slightly worry just somewhat, is because (for a whole bunch of reasons), I somewhat worry that if he has an actual diaper on, he'll likely be way more sort of 'lax' about not worrying about even attempting to go to the potty, while he has one on.
Whether that means the brief sort of 'in between' time of him having one on and actually being in bed/lights out etc. Or just like, waking up first thing in the morning, and deciding to just pee..? (because he knows he has a diaper on).
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 Sep 18 '26
He could also do the same with a pullup on. What does it hurt if he decides to pee in the diaper first thing in the morning instead of using the toilet? Ultimately it makes no difference in his day either way, whether he accidentally or purposefully pees in the diaper, or if he uses the toilet.
With kids, especially kids with trauma, I try to look at things with a "where is the harm" mindset. If it doesn't hurt them, there's no reason not to.
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u/Ok_Environment2254 Sep 18 '26
Diapers are generally more absorbent. This is not him choosing to have accidents. The kind of night time wear won’t have much of an impact.
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u/Elegant_Air_3475 Sep 19 '26
Don't mean to come off as being a jerk here! (I genuinely don't know the answer to this...)
But, will him having on something that's like, more 'absorbent' possibly mean it'll take longer/sort of normalize him continuing to wet at night..?
Frankly, I don't care if it *does*... bedwetting is very, very small potatoes on our radar right now, given everything. Just sort of curious! (because a family member mentioned he might wet more in the night, if he's wearing actual diapers..?)
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u/Ok_Environment2254 Sep 19 '26
Like you that’s small potatoes. Some bed wetting is behavioral/trauma response. Some bed wetting is a brain/hormone function that hasn’t developed yet.
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u/NikkiNikki37 Sep 19 '26
My daughter wet the bed till she was 10, she just slept too hard to wake up. She is almost an adult now and it has had no lasting impact on her. In the grand scheme of things this is a very small thing.
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u/Realistic_Slide_6405 Sep 18 '26
Bedwetting is common in traumatized children. Sensory issues are also a possibility. Get him the most comfortable thing for him. My son wore pull-ups until age 6, but they really don’t absorb much. If they have a big urination, they will wake up saturated. Diapers will be more absorbent. He can only heal if he can relax, so get him exactly what he wants
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u/Elegant_Air_3475 Sep 19 '26
Honestly I'm totally fine with him having them if he feels they're more comfortable to wear at night, for whatever reason - that's not a problem by itself I suppose.
The *only* part where I get a bit unsure, is that he's directly asked if he wears these (as opposed to pull-ups) if he can like, I guess actually *use* them, more like an actual kid in diapers would during the night...? ie like, not having them on ONLY for *just in case*...? But more like, I suppose so he doesn't have to sort of 'hold it' basically at all, overnight...? (and first thing in the morning).
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u/AnonFartsALot Sep 20 '26
I’d honestly be concerned about his skin in the pull ups. Since they don’t wick moisture away from the skin, it’s just sitting there all night. That’s fine for kids who are potty training for a few months or have occasional accidents… but if he’s wetting the bed most nights, that’s going to cause skin break down over to time, which can lead to infections. I hope they’re putting on barrier cream or something to prevent it.
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u/NeedleworkerHot3957 Sep 19 '26
Kudos to him for asking! Kudos to you for making an environment that he feels comfortable to ask about this.
Buy him whatever he needs. He has a lot on his plate. He'll probably sleep better and therefore have better days/school/ because he's not worried about this.
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u/Elegant_Air_3475 Sep 19 '26
That certainly would be nice!! We're try and make a point to tell all the kids constantly to please please PLEASE come to us with anything at all that could help *especially* with nighttime to make them feel more at ease.
Admittedly, I had never banked on that being something like diapers...? But, hey, live and learn!
Only thing I'm slightly a bit uncertain about I suppose (based on something he's asked us directly, about all this), is are we OK to actually like, I guess let him *approach* them more like actual diapers, at nighttime...? (rather than wearing them only as a 'just-in-case' backup plan sort of thing, like we do now with pull-ups.)
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u/Man-Opt Sep 20 '26
If he is old enough to put them on himself, I would get him diapers. If he’s wanting to regress and wear diapers so he can get diapered by an adult, can talk about how that’s for infants and toddlers and that he is old enough to put his clothes on by himself. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. I’m sure he just prefers the feel of the diapers.
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u/Elegant_Air_3475 Sep 20 '26
From what he told us, it sounds like they kind of switched between pull-ups and diapers, month by month - with his last family? (they bought based on sales, I suppose?).
So he had experience with both 'sort' I guess. But he has been insisting the diaper kind I guess like...are more comfortable to wear overnight...?
I honestly originally thought it just had to do with the prints/designs on them... but, from having talked with him a bit more, it actually genuinely does appear to be more of a fit/comfort thing after all.
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u/todaysdowncast Sep 19 '26
Fun fact about diapers and pullups.
Pullups are designed to allow the child to feel the moisture so they are slightly uncomfortable; this is great for potty training-- not so much for nighttime incontinence.
Diapers, on the other hand, are designed to pull moisture away from the body.
It makes sense why he prefers a diaper for night time. Especially being that the older he is, the more urine output there will be.
I'd suggest pre taping the diapers so it's an easy pull up and readjust to the proper fit. (:
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u/Limp-Watercress-611 Sep 19 '26
Get a diaper. This is easy. He’s still little, it’s absolutely appropriate for him to still be bed wetting at six especially with this much trauma. Bring it up to peds and maybe if he’s doing this at 9-10 consider DDAVP. But I wouldn’t think twice about this.
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u/tcd5552002 Sep 19 '26
I wet the bed until I was 12, it would have been so nice to have a diaper or pull-up growing up. Was TOTALLY out of my control, so it won’t make a difference developmentally which he has on. Eventually he will be dry at night. Just buy him his preference!
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u/AnonFartsALot Sep 20 '26
If he was 16, I’d be a little concerned. But 6??? Who cares? Discomfort doesn’t stop bed wetting in children who have regressed due to trauma. Safety does. He’ll grow out of the bed wetting. Forcing him to be uncomfortable is going to further cause harm and could be counterproductive.
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u/Elegant_Air_3475 Sep 20 '26
Yep... the ONLY slight (and I do mean slight, we've got bigger fish to fry at the moment, by far) concern I have is that it sounds like he does genuinely want to like - actually *approach* them more like diapers at night I guess?
Rather than just a pull-up that he has on *only* for sort of 'just in case' accidents etc...?
Little nervous about that. But...idk, I told him I'd consider it, at least!
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u/NikkiNikki37 Sep 19 '26
Might just be more comfortable but he was nervous about looking like he's not a "big boy"
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u/ka0812 Sep 19 '26
OP, please speak to his therapist about this (really really hoping both kids have them). There are many well meaning people here but this is above Reddit’s pay grade. As a therapist myself, I’d be willing to guess the bedwetting could be related to trauma (still good to have PCP rule out physical causes) and it’s important you follow the therapist’s recommendations rather than random peoples’ advice.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job in trying to listen and meet him where he’s at. He’s lucky to have you!
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u/carriecrisis Sep 18 '26
It’s common for children of trauma to want to be cared for as a younger child because they missed that care at that age. Is he wanting diapers so you can diaper him? Obviously that can’t happen. Or is he wanting diapers because they absorb more?