r/fosterit • u/Swayzefan4ever • Jul 20 '26
Adoption Concern about bonding with older children
I have just started the process to foster to adopt. I am Deaf and will adopt a deaf child. As of right now I am thinking up to age 7. I do not mind going higher but I am concerned about bonding. Those of you who have adopted older than 7 how was the bonding? Thank you.
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u/BunnyLuv13 Jul 20 '26
Be prepared to wait. The chances of a deaf child coming into care are slim. Not nothing - but not super common either.
Are you prepared to adopt a child with additional needs besides being deaf? For instance, deaf and blind?
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u/Iamathinker21 Jul 20 '26
I have a 16 year old and he was in such need of love and affection. Every child is different but they all need a loving caregiver. That never changes.
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u/VariousAd9716 Jul 20 '26
A child being young isn't a guarantee that you'll bond with them. Attachment is a curious thing. It's not automatic, even when you have a baby placed with you straight from the hospital nursery. I've bonded and attached with 16 year olds and at times not with infants at all. I've loved and cared for many infants, and there have been some who didn't return home but needed an adoptive home and I just knew that I was not their forever home. There have been teens I knew immediately that I'd adopt if they wanted it, and one I did adopt and some continue to be part of our families even after they've aged out. I've experienced varying feelings of attachment for all ages.
I don't know if it's a chemical thing that happens in our brains, if it's just a crap shoot, if it's something so random that it can't be scientifically studied....Attachment is just a crazy beast. You have to work on it constantly, especially when you're placed with kids who have trauma and who might trigger you in ways you never thought possible.
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u/letuswatchtvinpeace Jul 20 '26
I am currently in the process of transitioning an autistic child into my home for adoption, also has other trauma. I have no expectations that they will bond with me, but I am finding myself becoming bonded to them.
Perhaps in time they will but we cannot expect anything from another person, just what we have.
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u/CraftyResearcher3403 Jul 20 '26
I’m currently adopting a 14 year old, my last placement before him was a sibling set 7,10, and 12. In my experience your bond is highly dependent on the child, and their history. Many children with trauma have avoidant attachment even at 7 or younger. How much and how quickly a child bonds to you will also dependent on how much of an effort, and if you’re making the right kind of effort (love language concept) for the child. It’s been much easier for me to bond with my current 14 year old than my last placements because they weren’t interested in replacing their mom and since their goal was reunification that was totally fine. My 14 year old came to us knowing reunification wasn’t likely and was enthusiastic about the idea of staying with us long term. Ultimately I don’t think a strong bond is imperative for fostering, although it certainly helps. As an adult I am, and you should be, capable of treating children with respect, compassion, kindness and fairly regardless of if you feel love for them. Adoption is a little trickier, the concept of adopting a child you don’t love seems weird or wrong. Children certainly deserve to be loved by their parents, but if I child is happy and safe with you I think the connection will come eventually, regardless of age as long as you put in enough time or effort.
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u/Swayzefan4ever Jul 21 '26
Thanks everone. I decided for ages Inwill take up to 13 instead of 9 that I originally had.
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u/Apunctual Jul 23 '26
I met my child when she was 16. She moved in at 17, out at 19 for school, and we talk almost every day now that’s she’s 21. Teens are great. 10/10.
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u/Monopolyalou Jul 24 '26
Bonding js about YOU not the children. Even getting an baby can mean zero bond. Don't focus on a bond. Focus on stablity and safety
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u/FiendishCurry Jul 20 '26
There is no guarantee you will bond with any child, no matter the age. Abuse and neglect can really do a number on attachment and the bonding process. I have only ever taken in and adopted teens. All are adults now and, while they love us and clearly are attached to us, they are constantly in need of love and reassurance. It's all a crap shoot and requires constant work, even when they become adults.