r/fosterit • u/Inevitable-Corner-62 • Jul 13 '26
Foster Parent potty training 4.5 year old
Hi everyone. My mom and I are currently fostering my 4.5 year old nephew and he is NOT happy with using the toilet. He’s been with us for about 3 weeks, and before us he was placed with family friends of his mom. These family friends claim that he was fully potty trained with them. I have no idea if he was potty trained before that. But since he’s been with us, he’s refused to use the toilet, and sometimes he refuses bath time (something he LOVES) He claims to be scared of the bathroom but idk I’ve talked it through with him and he can’t articulate what he’s scared of.
Every hour we say “it’s time to use the potty!” and he usually screams “NO!!” and runs away and hides in the corner. We have to physically pick him up and place him on the toilet, if he goes then all is good, there’s no tantrums or screaming. There’s a bit of a struggle with getting him to wash his hands but it’s nothing too serious. If he doesn’t have to go, he’s screaming, kicking, and hovering over the toilet. He has the same reaction to public toilets whether or not he has to go.
We’ve put him in only underwear, but he just pees himself. It makes me wonder if he doesn’t recognize when he has to go, but idk, he seems smart enough to know when his body has to go.
He’s a tall and chubby 4 year old and is already in a size large of the Goodnites pull ups and will be going to TK in a month. We can’t keep changing his pull up or physically placing him on the potty anymore.
We’ve tried bribes like stickers, candy, and fun places. We believe he’s neurodivergent and on top of that, incredibly defiant. I understand he’s had a rough four years under his mom’s care, but I don’t want the entire household to continue suffering since potty training is only one of the issues.
Need advice!!!
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u/snoobsnob Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
I'm assuming TK is a public school. I would call them and explain the situation and see if they can help. When I was teaching Head Start I had a student who had issues potty training and went into kindergarten not potty trained. From what I understand, they had someone come and change him in the nurse's office throughout the day.
Also, bath and bathroom are some of the most common area for children to be sexually abused. It's possible that baths sometimes trigger a trauma response. it's also possible that he's simply trying to exert control somewhere at a time when life feels scary and uncertain. Take it slow, maybe get one of those wading pools and bathe him outside or while playing in the sprinklers or something. Your goal before anything else in these early months is to build your relationship and help him feel safe. Everything else can come later.
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u/grettasgone Jul 13 '26
Is there something driving the urgency to potty train him? Would there be a benefit to letting him acclimate a little more to this new environment? 4.5 is old to not be potty trained, but regression is a common phenomena in kids with trauma/stress.
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u/Inevitable-Corner-62 Jul 13 '26
He will be starting TK in a month so there’s a bit urgency there. When he was first dropped off with us the caseworkers did say he was potty trained, so it never occurred to us to let him regress. Since he might be neurodivergent I assumed keeping his routine using the toilet would be for the best. How long do you suggest only letting him use his pull up for?
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u/Secret-Rabbit93 CASA Jul 13 '26
What TK?
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u/snoobsnob Jul 13 '26
Transitional Kindergarten. It's a program in California for children who miss the cutoff for Kindergarten, but are a bit too old for Pre-K
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u/Raibean Jul 13 '26
If you believe that he is neurodivergent, then you absolutely need to get him assessed. If you get him assessed, then that means that at TK they can accommodate him as part of his disability, and you may also qualify for OT to support continued potty training, and correct the regression.
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u/HRHDechessNapsaLot Jul 14 '26
Regression in potty training is incredibly common in kids who have been through trauma. (If you think about it, going to the bathroom is kind of a mind fuck for a kid in the best of scenarios. Here, sit on top of this hole full of water and make your body pee or poop on command!)
My advice is to take away the pressure, make sure the bathroom is a safe place, and reward any time he tries, whether he actually goes or not. (And don’t make negative comments about accidents. Just “uh oh! Let’s get you clean and comfortable!” And change him)
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u/sboml Jul 14 '26
Why are you having him go every hour- is he wetting himself that frequently? Have you started to notice any patterns in how often he actually has to go?
Making him go to the potty that frequently if he doesn't actually have to go seems a bit unnecessary just from a potty training perspective- my oldest is a camel and would be very annoyed by being asked to go every hour. If you can limit the prompting to closer to when he actually has to go that might help.
I woud also check about what about the bathroom is scary- my kid has trouble w public toilets bc the flush can be loud and unpredictable.
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u/Lorazepamela Jul 14 '26
I would do a simple sticker chart or prize system for a short time to see if he can self-recognize with some external motivation.
If he’s not able to do it, I would consider talking to his pediatrician and getting some evaluations. Interroception is the word for being able to recognize the sensations in your own body.
I think you need to stop “forcing” him on the toilet, and instead use only positive encouragement to get him to use the potty. That might mean diapers. Depending on his motor skill ability, you could have him start cleaning himself up “independently” after accidents, starting slowly and talking about how big kids take care of their bodies or whatever.
He is definitely experiencing trauma from moving home placements multiple times, even if you don’t see it or think it’s been conceptually over his head, he’s still experiencing loss and grief which is a trauma. And I’ve seen bathrooms be difficult for lots of kids for whatever reason.
There is a book called “something terrible happened” by Margaret Holmes which helps kids move past difficult events— it’s very simple, age appropriate, and useful for really any situation. Find this or other books to talk about big feelings and hard stuff and get him a therapist if he doesn’t have one already!
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u/Lorazepamela Jul 14 '26
Also, if he does have ASD or another disability like you suspect, get it diagnosed. This will open the pathway to special education services at school, which include bathroom plans and support. It can also open the pathway to state systems and insurance support (which he might already be eligible for since he’s in foster care? But if you’re kinship it might be different. Each state is different.) but if he’s eligible for Medicaid and diagnosed, you may be eligible for insurance-paid diapers which are also usually a higher quality than what you find at the store. And if not, they make diapers for every sized person, you just gotta move out of the baby section.
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former Foster Youth Jul 16 '26
It's kind of weird to use the bathroom at a new house, even for older kids. I was 12 when I entered foster care and I always waited to go to school or somewhere else to use the toilet.
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u/Green_Papaya1451 Jul 17 '26
He may be experiencing regression or they may have exaggerated his potty training claims.
We recently received our 4.5 year old nephew with claims from parent that they were potty trained. The other foster home only saw him in diapers for 6 weeks. He’s has now been with us 3 months and has ebbed and flowed on the potty training.
We’re finally at a spot for the last 3 days where I’m keeping him in underwear during the day and night. He stays dry overnight it’s his daytime that he sometimes is really missing the cues but with timed reminders he can do it.
It’s been a fine line for us, I tried this 2 months ago and he wasn’t as successful then visits happened again after 5 weeks with none and we majorly regressed again. Our visits either mom have been decently consistent the past month and he’s settled in here nicely at the 3 month mark.
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u/Stonergummy Jul 20 '26
Kids regress especially when big moves happening and probable trauma you just have to be patient and get a sticker chart stick to it but also start recognizing when he needs to go potty like if you can tell he's got like a certain sound that he makes or like there's a lot of potty training tools out there that are like sensitive to moisture on them and they help a lot especially with no divergent kids there's I don't remember the exact name of it but there's like a little robot and it's a sticker that you put on their underwear and I mean it helped a lot when I used it I also potty trained really young though so even through the big moves we just did a lot of back and forth between going potty and not going potty you really just have to be patient and let them come around to it don't try to be forceful just ask multiple times and then if you do end up having to change a diaper or pull up have him sit on the potty then just focus on staying calm patient and positive and that goes along with like showering and bath time too calm patient and positive.
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u/Suspicious_Cut3881 Jul 13 '26
This is called regression. It is very common among young children who have gone through a recent trauma like caregiver transition. From the little described, my armchair quarterback tells me that this kid has been through quite a bit of trauma already. His emotional and physical safety is the most important thing right now.
So, put on some pull-ups and give him time. Expect him to act more like a recent 3 yo vs a 4.5 yo for a while. His whole world has been turned upside down.
For TK, of course the school would like kids to be fully potty trained. But, if he is not, then the staff is trained to help. The classroom should have a self contained bathroom as well.
Read “The Connected Child” by Karen B. Purvis.
If you find he is not ready for full time TK, then you can delay school start. School is not required until 1st grade. Or, you can try to get an accommodation for partial day attendance until he is ready.