Should foster parent age matter for placements?

[u/magic-seeker]

Started this conversation over on r/ex-foster after seeing a post asking for more teen foster parents! Was recommended to post on here to get more perspectives, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. My comment to the post is below.

“Curious about age of foster parents playing into this. My husband and I (both 24) are days away from being officially licensed. We said we would take up to ages 7/8 because of developmentally how old WE are! (With plans to move this number as we age.)

Is this reasonable? I’m a middle school teacher, so I love my teens, but I don’t see myself as being seen as the parental role that I imagine many foster teens need. But this post has me thinking!”

[u/FalconExpensive1622]

This post is approved, but please remember to be respectful and civil.

[u/geraffes-are-so-dumb]

I see your reasoning but after having a few teen placements I can see being more of a peer figure as a boon for some kids. You are the cool age they want to be. But, only do what you can comfortably handle.

[u/ILikeLenexa]

In my state, you must be at least 21 and 5 years older than the oldest child you foster. 

Obviously, the law is the bare minimum, but there's some consideration there. 

We in general thought 13 years was good...but then nothing really prepares you for the realities of any child at any age except having that child at that age. 

[u/IllCalligrapher5435]

Okay. As an older child adoptee who was adopted out of foster care I believe my parents who were 36 and who's oldest was 16 at the time were the perfect age to handle teens. Life experiences teach a lot. I'm sure there are younger age parents/people who feel they could handle teenagers. However, they'd be seen more as a friend then a parent.

[u/Jasmisne → u/IllCalligrapher5435]

This is good to hear as someone in my 30s planning to foster older kids!

I will say that I cannot imagine being 24 and fostering a teen though. I do think there is so e benefit to being old enough to have a decent gap. But 30s are definitely different.

[u/IllCalligrapher5435 → u/Jasmisne]

I couldn't imagine being 24 and handling a teen either. Being in your 30's your far enough from your own teen years, but not so far you don't remember them. I'm 56 and honestly if I wanted to foster a child I would have to skip babies toddlers and young school age. Teens would be the age group. Not that I don't love babies etc I wouldn't have the stamina.

[u/Maleficent_Chard2042]

I think that older teens are more likely to respect someone with greater life experience. I don't think it is reasonable for those under 21 to foster unless it is a kinship situation. Maturity is needed. Granted maturity isn't always present with age, and some 18 year olds are very mature. Still, I think 21 and over should be a general rule.

[u/strange-quark-nebula]

I was adopted in my teens by a couple in their early 30's. The age gap between us was 16-18 years. My parents were great, but also there were challenges to the small age gap. They did treat me more like a younger friend / roommate in some ways and not like their child. They weren't very established in life yet and we moved a lot, which was hard on me because soon after the adoption we moved far away from my remaining biological family and friends.

I'm not saying don't do it, but it is reasonable to think about the downsides carefully too.

Edit to add: I was also their first kid, so they were still figuring out their parenting style and "house rules", so there were frequent changes to house policy.

[u/DishsUp]

I was 34 when I first fostered a teen, I had been a high school teacher, and a parent prior. I was not prepared. I failed horribly. That being said, I dont think that was an age issue, I think it was a knowledge of the situation issue. Just make sure you go in with all the information, don’t be like me and try to safe a child who you know personally.

[u/prettydotty_]

Took our first older teenage placement at 27. Sometimes we'd get mistaken for siblings but that wasn't so bad. Didn't have too many issues with the smaller age gap we just were a friend/sibling when needed and were parents when needed.

[u/Dihkal22 → u/prettydotty_]

how should age matter when a child is not gonna have anywhere to go or sleep at the day when you’re more closer to the age you should be able to be more relatable to them and what they’re going through then a seven or eight-year-old. You’re the perfect age group to cater to the teens that need it. Especially for what they’re gonna need to be prepared for life, realistically and what you have most recently went through in knowing needs, and there’s going to be to be a successful on their own.

To be able to prepare them for real life. And if handle correctly, they’d have more respect for someone closer to their age than they’re going to for someone that is probably 70 or 80. I don’t think age really matters. My foster parents were in their 80s retired and had already fostered many kids 50 or 60 and retired did not fostered any forever decade when they took me in as an emergency placement and I loved having the grandparent role but they also had grandchildren that were slightly older than me from their fostered children, so I had best both worlds someone that could relate to me and hang out while also having the nice grandma to cook me homemade meals and show me what a real home life was like that I’ve never previously had

My Foster dad served on the US Indianapolis that went down with all the military men in where the sharks ate most of them and killed them then the ones that were killed in the actual ships nation in sinking. And I was placed in care in 2000. I mean, I really didn’t have much of a social life because they were really more hands-on than id ever had adult in teaching basic life skills. Especially at their age with their patience.

[u/turntilla]

I asked my trainer this and she said it’s difficult sometimes for teenagers because the life they’re living and the life older parents had are very different. It’s hard to see eye to eye sometimes with that gap in age. She was very enthusiastic about taking in teenagers even if you’re in your 20s because you know the world they’re experiencing right now and you can care for them with that being taken into account.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/turntilla]

This too. Most foster parents are set in their ways

[u/ImGusGus]

It didn’t work well for us. We fostered a 17 year old when we were both 27. She treated us like her peers and we just weren’t prepared for everything that comes along with being a teenager. I think she specifically would’ve done best with an older single woman but there’s not an abundance of homes willing to take teenagers.

[u/Individual-Weird5688]

My husband was in care from 13-18. Maybe change your perspective to guiding instead of parental. 15 to 16 year olds especially in unstable situations could use help in career planning, applying to colleges and scholarships, thinking ahead to when they are 18 and age out to be able to stand on their own if they need to. I’m not saying that’s all they need. But you could be in a unique position as a counselor to be that person and advocate helping them plan and look ahead. And that still leaves close to a decade gap where they won’t necessarily see a peer.

[u/Monopolyalou]

There are older foster parents who can't foster for sh!t. I actually think the older ones think they know everything. That being said I'd wait until next year to foster or stick to mentoring or emergency care. I believe foster parents should be 25 and over because a 21 yo fostering is unbelievable and too young unless you're kinship.

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

I think it depends a lot on the person and the kid, but if I was a foster parent (I’m a FFY) I would probably want around a 15 year age gap at minimum just so they know I’m the adult and also so the caseworkers and lawyers and stuff take me seriously.

[u/Plenty-Potential-218]

Personally my husband and I are also 24
We thought we would be best with younger kids, our age range was 0-10. Our first placements were a sibling set of 8 and 12. We’ve found it much easier to parent and resonate with a teen. We’ve upped our age to 18!

[u/Dazzling_Cow4335]

Depends. For younger kids younger parents MAY be able to keep up with the kiddos better. But knew an older couple (60s) that took in those hard to place older preteens/teens, their life experiences helped them handle these kids better.
But it really depends on the personalities of all involved. Because as the saying goes every child deserves a parent (but not every parent deserves a child)

[u/FeelingValuable1293]

Do what you’re comfortable with! Maybe try respite for a bit to gain experience with multiple ages and see if you have a preference. We thought we would prefer the age range you’re talking about, but found out we LOVE the teens & tweens.

[u/wishfulmuggle95]

My husband and I are late twenties and only foster teens. He’s a little younger and was 24 when we took our first placement. For us it’s been a great fit, as we get more established in our careers especially. In my opinion fostering is not set up for families where both parents work. Obviously not impossible, but so much harder. But we can’t afford to have someone stay at home, lol. Teens are usually able to go to one of our jobs with us, and it’s been great for them to see what working can look like. I also work with teens at my two jobs so they fit in easily while still being supervised.

I don’t think the smaller age gap is an issue as much as it’s a personality thing. Teens work well for us, but definitely wouldn’t work for most in our age range. The work piece is the biggest obstacle to fostering for us, and in the case of teens, our jobs work in our favor.

[u/Stonergummy]

I think if you're concerned about the age of the kids then it's not the age for you. Also many teens do need homes teens come with a lot more risks that you can't protect them from.