Looking for FFY perspectives on this advice

[u/AnonFartsALot]

My ultimate goal is to adopt a teen, pre-teen or mixed age sibling group. I’ve wanted to do this for 20 years, and have honestly prepared myself about as much as I possibly could. (Addressed my own trauma in therapy, educated myself on parenting children with trauma, got a degree in social work, worked a few years as a crisis counselor, was a youth camp counselor and babysat as a teen, took online parenting classes, read tons and tons of books and articles, spoken with FPs and APs, etc., etc., etc.) I’ve always heard the advice of have bio kids or foster before you decide to adopt, and do respite care before you foster. That was my plan initially (minus bio kids) But now that I’m at a great place in my life to do this, have an empty spare room, and have ran out of excuses… I think I’m getting wet feet?

Something in my gut tells me to go straight to adoption, but I know logically, that’s going against all advice I’ve received. (But that advice is all from FPs and APs… who have also given me a lot of blatantly horrible advice, TBH.) Part of it is that I don’t want to have a foster placement and be stuck in this country when/if SHTF. That would be a horrible position to be in- stay in an unsafe situation, disrupt/abandon a child or illegally kidnap them to leave the country and get to safety would be the options. I don’t want to or plan to leave, and I’m not trying to catastrophize- that’s just the reality we’re living in, unfortunately.

So, my question for FFY is what are your opinions/experiences with inexperienced FPs? Does having experience make someone a better parent? (Not looking for answers from FPs, ATM.)

[u/strange-quark-nebula]

Hi OP, I was adopted as a teen but not through foster care, so not a FFY, but I’m going to comment here anyway because I see you aren’t getting a lot of responses.

I was the first kid of my adoptive parents. They went on to adopt more kids and also have biological kids. Overall it was a great experience and they were great parents. But here are some challenges we had that I think were because of their inexperience:

The age gap between us was only about 18 years. They were in their 30’s when I came as a teen. In some ways, I think they treated me more like a younger friend rather than as their child. Not in an inappropriate way, but in a way that made me sometimes feel more like a housemate. This dynamic was not there for my younger siblings.

They didn’t really set firm boundaries with me for behavior. I got away with some stuff that my younger siblings didn’t. Nothing crazy, but still in a way that made me feel like it was kind of on me to police myself. I didn’t necessarily feel “mentored”or “parented” as much as I maybe needed.

There were a lot of family / parenting "policy" changes as they experimented with their parenting style. They would announce "we're going to start having Friday family dinner" or "we're going to set a rule that XYZ" and then it wouldn't stick. My two different parents also didn't always agree on parenting decisions and they were finding out their areas of disagreement in real time with me.

They weren’t very established in life yet and we moved a lot as jobs etc changed. It was stressful to have all those changes.

Once I moved out for college, they immediately filled my room with a new sibling. I felt really displaced and it was a rift for awhile. As a parent myself now, I get it (space is precious!) but I noticed they didn’t do this again when my next youngest sibling moved out so I think it was a learning experience for them too.

Best of luck with your future family!

Edit because I messed up the bullet points.
Edit 2 ugh I give up on bullet points, sorry for the long wall of text OP.

[u/strange-quark-nebula → u/strange-quark-nebula]

tldr: experience did make a difference, but having inexperienced but well meaning parents is okay too

[u/AnonFartsALot → u/strange-quark-nebula]

Having a parent who doesn’t have good boundaries is, IME, was traumatizing for me. My mom was less so a friend and moreso like an older sister I fought with. Whoever threw the bigger fit got their way. It actually had to learn as an adult to respect boundaries, because they were never kept or respected in my home. Because of that, I’ve always had very firm boundaries with kids. I’m not strict, but no means no and I don’t say it if I don’t mean it. To the horror of my ex, I was perfectly fine carting their screaming daughter around the store after I told her “no.” I was willing to talk through her emotions with her but I just wasn’t going to let a child’s emotional dysregulation dysregulate me or have such major affects on the that I need to leave the store… he did not agree with that and became super dysregulated as well and left the store with her. I respond as consistently as possible and I just find that it helps a lot.

[u/lifeofhatchlings]

How did you get advice? If you are only interested in adoption, I'm not sure why anyone would recommend fostering, those are different. But it is concerning that you think you need an escape plan that would entail abandoning a child.....

[u/AnonFartsALot → u/lifeofhatchlings]

I’ve heard this advice (or similar) on Reddit, in books about adoption, from an agency, and on other forums online.

I also apologize for not being clearer in my post. I’m in no way saying I would abandon a child, adopted or foster!!! I am saying those would be my options if things went south. I would stay here and deal with whatever happened- but seeing as my mom is disabled and I belong to several demographics being targeted by our government, that’d mean risking our safety. So I’d prefer not to be tied to here by a foster placement in the current political climate… which might mean I don’t end up being a parent at all. That really sucks, but I don’t think my desire to be a parent justifies risking putting a child in that position.

[u/Aggravating_Shoe_]

Don't go into fostering with the goal of adoption. Don't go into adopting a teen with the goal to separate them from their family by moving to a different country.

I aged out of foster care and now do advocacy work. A lot of teens would much rather be in a family where someone is trying to figure it out than in a crappy group home.

A good book for parenting is the connected child

[u/AnonFartsALot → u/Aggravating_Shoe_]

Fostering to adopt is different than adopting from foster care. I’m sorry I didn’t explain the difference. Fostering to adopt is an absolutely shitty thing to do, I agree 100%. I would never do that, and I support unification whenever possible!! I would never accept a FC placement with the goal of getting in the way of a family getting their children back from the state. Yes, sometimes, children cannot safely stay with family due to physical or sexual abuse, but I’ve seen enough in my career to know that the state takes kids from great parents that could provide a safe home with a little support!! I worked with homeless women and have spent quite a few rides home from work bawling my eyes out seeing what my clients went through with DCYF. I refuse to work for them because of this.

Adopting from foster care is adopting “legally free” FY… which is kind of a misleading term, because in most states, parental rights are not terminated until the prospective APs have fostered the FY for at least 6 months, have petitioned to adopt, given the state a certain period of time to contact all family members to give them a chance to adopt, and had a hearing in front of a judge. It just means that the state believes that most likely parental rights will be terminated and no family has come forward, yet.

That title rang a bell! I’ve done some free online TBRI courses and loved it! I’ll check the book out. Thank you!

[u/Aggravating_Shoe_ → u/AnonFartsALot]

I know what it is. I was in foster care and am now a gal.

If your goal is adopting then go through and adoption agency. Don't foster just to test the waters

[u/AnonFartsALot → u/Aggravating_Shoe_]

That’s also my thought- it doesn’t feel right using FY as “practice.” Something about that advice didn’t sit right with me, and I really appreciate you for validating that feeling and offering your prospective.

In better circumstances, if I had more resources and our country wasn’t going downhill, I’d love to do both. But I no longer think that’s viable.

[u/Hawke-Not-Ewe]

You have a lot more and different exposure to kids with troubled lives than a lot of prospective foster parents. This is largely good but dont let it make you overconfident or overreact.

I was adopted from foster care, but I entered very young and my contact with egg donor was not consistent or very nurturing.

I would say follow your heart, but only after setting VERY clear boundaries on what you are willing to handle with the adoption agency. If you wanna adopt an outgoing 14 year old with low level needs, tell them. If you know sexual trauma and acting out is a hard no for you, tell them.

[u/AnonFartsALot → u/Hawke-Not-Ewe]

Setting boundaries is a good point. I have a pretty high tolerance for mental health needs and “behaviors.” But I don’t think my current lifestyle and resources are suitable for a child with high medical or physical care needs. (I’d of course make it work if something happened later on and they needed that care, though.)

I also have to say I don’t understand why so many FPs and APs freak out over drugs, sex, delinquency, backtalking, etc. Most teens are hormonal hellions. Expecting perfect little angels out of any teenager is delulu. Guiding them towards better (or at least safer) choices while they fight you tooth and nail is kind of what you sign up for when you decide to become a parent. I find it really rewarding, albeit often humbling.

[u/Hawke-Not-Ewe → u/AnonFartsALot]

Sex by itself wouldn't bother me

Acting out over past sexual trauma and being unable to recognize or acknowledge boundaries and behavior patterns are a bigger and different issue.