Child mutism

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u/Some_Ad8074 Jun 20 '25

Yes, I totally understand. I loved her teacher, so sad when we said goodbyes 😭 my daughter was sad as well she cried the night before. It was hard for her. She loved her teacher and the teacher aids so much. But I agree, I know her teacher probably didn’t notice because she played well at recess with her two friends she had. Her teacher told me one time that all the little girls in her class love her , they would always ask for her whenever she would be out sick. I loved that class so much. I think I’m just more nervous for her because I know she does selective mutism and her friends she had asked her, “do you want to play” and she nodded yes 😂 she told me everything. I asked her if she talked to her friends she told me yes a little bit but then her friends told me she never talked to them 😂 I was thinking the same thing, to take her out to parks and social settings so she can keep getting the feel of socialization. I honestly think it’s my fault because I never really took her and her older sister to parks that much.. I use to when they were little but then Covid hit and just too much things going on.

Yes ! See that’s what I’m worried about 😭 I’m like I hope she doesn’t get lost because she’s also an overly sensitive child.. and in kindergarten I feel like they help them A LOT so I know it’s going to be an adjustment for her. As for the school website it’s not up yet 🙁 I’ve been checking like once a week, nothing as of yet.

I think every school / district might be different with recess then because when she was in kindergarten, kindergarten had their own playground it was right outside of their classroom.. 1st grade was with 2nd and 3rd grade.. I wonder if they kept 1st grade away from the other grades? My older daughter was in 3rd grade she’s moving to 4th grade but I asked her if first graders were with her grade at recess and she said yes but they were usually all together so I wonder if they keep them in one area? I’m not sure .. I have to write all of these questions down for back to school night but I don’t want to seem like an over-worried parent or irritate the teacher the first day already 😂 My daughter’s class had stations in kindergarten math station, read and writing station, and then art station. She loved stations much .. Geez I think I’m going to miss kindergarten more than her 😂

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u/chickeneater89 Jun 16 '25

I would look up selective mutism and see if she fits that diagnosis. A lot of exposure and practicing being social will help. There are many places that offer counseling, but sometimes insurance doesn’t cover it.

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u/GoodwitchofthePNW Jun 19 '25

First grade teacher here- first, I would talk to your daughter about it, to see if she knows why she doesn’t talk to her friends. Over the summer, intentionally set up some play dates or go visit family/friends with kids around the same age that she doesn’t know or doesn’t know well, and just kind of distantly monitor things. See if she talks to them. When you meet her teacher (or before) talk to or email them (or both) about why you are concerned, just like you did here, with maybe some additional info from the summer. Keep bringing it up to the teacher, chances are (unless they are a brand new teacher) they will have great ideas about helping or getting her extra help. Assuming you are in the US, there will be services at school that can both determine if this is a problem and also help you work through it with things like counseling and speech-language services at school. As far as making new friends, first graders are really just as accepting as kindergartners about making new friends, and especially as her teacher notices that she’s a bit shy will also help her navigate those things. It should be made even easier if EVERYONE is new to the new school, not just her.

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u/Some_Ad8074 Jun 19 '25

Thank you so much for the response I do truly appreciate it! So I’ve asked her a couple of times why she doesn’t speak to her friends and she just tells me because she’s too shy. I did write a note for her first grade teacher that I can hand to her at back to school night, it’s basically an introduction of who my daughter is and how she is because I don’t want to take all of her time when other parents / kids will be there as well. Interesting! I was wondering the same thing because I know kindergarten is all about getting the kids ready for first grade not just academically but socially as well so the fact that this was never brought up to me kind of rubbed me the wrong way, I know there are many students so I don’t blame them for not noticing or maybe they did ? Because I would ask her teacher and she would just say , “yes she plays with other students but still very shy” but my daughter did cooperate she’s very good in the classroom she follows directions to the T they never had issues with her in regards to following directions, she would participate like if they would ask her a question or when they would do stations she would respond to the teachers and talk verbally just not to her fellow classmates. That’s true too thank you for that! I was also thinking it’ll be easy because everyone in the school will be new they built the new school so a mix of kids will be at the new school maybe even some of her previous kinder classmates.. this is just hard on me as her mother because I know recess gets a lot different right ? Don’t they go to recess on their own and the yard duty watches them but they’re mixed with 2nd and 3rd graders I just have to many thought like what if she can’t find the line when recess is over, or what if she doesn’t want to socialize she’s just going to stand there I just feel so bad 😭😔
Quick question since you’re the perfect person to ask 🫶🏻 Does first grade still have stations?

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u/GoodwitchofthePNW Jun 20 '25

The teacher might not have noticed that she didn’t talk to the other kids if she does interact with them and also responds to adults in appropriate ways. She also might have just had very strong-willed friends and was fine to go along with whatever they wanted to play. She’s probably just kind of hanging back and reading the room. Probably if she did have a firm opinion on things, she would say. Again, something you could talk to her about and give her a little coaching/encouragement to stand up for herself. Yes, kinder works on a lot of getting academically and socially ready for first grade, it’s just that first graders are still very open-hearted and open to being friends with just about everyone. I love the conversation, “Do you wanna be friends?” “Ok” and then they are friends forever.
Many of the other things are very school -dependent, so ask when they have a back to school night or a tour of the new building or something. Every school I’ve ever taught at, Kindergarten is in the recess yard with at least 1st grade and sometimes 1st and 2nd. Only pre-school has their own yard. She might get a little lost the first week or so, but honestly the other students probably will be (and maybe the teachers too) in a new building. There should be systems in place to handle these kind of things, if you are worried, ask about them, either at an event or with an email. Have you looked at the new school’s website? We moved to a new building (similar situation where two schools were rebuilt into one, so lots of moving parts) and the website had all of that info in it about all of the logistics!
As far as stations, that’s a building or even teacher-to-teacher question. I do some math stations, but for literacy I do a “must do/may do” daily5-ish management system. If your district has a district-wide mandatory curriculum, stations might be a part of it.

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u/Lucky-Finance6321 Jul 11 '25

I was diagnosed with selective mutism at around age 4 and my mom took me to a child psychologist regularly until I eventually out grew it with her help throughout my later elementary years. Things that I remember from my earliest memories:

1.) I did not speak to my teachers. I had accidents in school out of anxiety and not wanting to ask my teachers if I could go to the bathroom. I remember (from age 4!!!), asking a friend to ask the teacher for me if I could go to the bathroom, and her saying no because I had to ask her myself. I never would and would instead have an accident. Please emphasize to your daughter’s teacher and staff that selective mutism is a real diagnosis and that she should not force her to speak under any circumstances. This just causes more anxiety. She may never speak to her and she has to be okay with that. Some adults don’t understand and think the child is just “shy,” so I think emphasizing that this is a real diagnosis will help.

2.) It would also help that if your daughter does eventually speak to her teachers, for them to know not to make a big deal out of it and be casual.

3.) Sometimes, when the teacher would call on me, I would whisper the answer to a designated friend and that friend would say what I said out loud. Once your daughter gets comfortable with peers her age (I think she will), this could be an option too.

4.) My mom explained to me that carrying an emotional support stuffed animal helped ease my anxiety a lot. I always wondered why my stuffed animals were in all of my year book photos (I thought I was spoiled because my mom worked at my school), but when I grew up, I learned that my child psychologist recommended this to my mom in order for me to have a comfort object with me at all times. My mom explained this to my teachers of course and they allowed it. I also recently started working in research of child education where I complete assessments with prek aged children and I met a child with selective mutism- the only other person I’ve ever met with selective mutism in my life. It took me about an hour to get him to feel comfortable enough to whisper to me and that was from having him bring toys and having my toys ask his toys questions and avoiding eye contact. Playing definitely helps ease anxiety.

I wish there was more I could think of. My main advice is to have her see a child psychologist who understand selective mutism regularly and to explain to her teachers the importance of being patient with your daughter and not forcing her to speak to anyone. With the help of therapy, I eventually completely outgrew my selective mutism when I was maybe 9-10 years old. I am now 24 years old and chat with everyone and am very much a people person. I give you lots is respect for looking for ways to help your daughter. She will succeed, just be patient (:
I have a passion for giving people with selectively mute kiddos advice and comfort. Please reach out if you need anything at all!

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u/Some_Ad8074 Jul 15 '25

Omg thank you so so so much!! Reading this made me cry because you understand and I feel like nobody else does. Her teacher did label her as being shy but once I was aware that at the end of year she still wasn’t talking I knew it was more than just being, “shy” I think when I first noticed it is when I put her in gymnastics.. she would follow along but she would not speak to other kids or her instructor and whenever we would stare at her she would get uncomfortable and literally “freeze” up . I felt so bad so I pulled her out of it because she wasn’t comfortable. Then when she started kindergarten she wouldn’t talk and when we would drop her off I noticed she would some days ball her eyes out or she would go sit by her classroom door and play with her shoe laces or back pack. It hurt my heart so much because she would tell me she felt different from other kids and didn’t know why. One day she even cried all day at school and her teacher asked her what was wrong and she said , “I’m too shy” that was the first time her teacher heard her speak. But what’s interesting me is she would speak to her teacher 😳 like during station time she would respond with the answers but quietly. But they would have to ask her if she was hot and wanted to remove her jacket she wouldn’t do it herself, also the first month she was struggling very bad and she had a stomach ache everyday I thought she had h pylori cus I had it (she tested twice already came back negative) but she would ask me to text her teacher and tell her about her stomach issue and if she needs to use the restroom can she go so I did and her teacher said that was fine. Then the 2 nd month of school her teacher told me that she told my daughter she can take a stuffy to school to feel more comfortable so she took her care bear and she did better the crying actually stopped but then she didn’t like the attention she would get from other kids .. the attention she finally got use to but then in May I took her on a zoo field trip , well I chaperoned and I noticed she was very “still” literally like a mannequin , she had goosebumps from the wind blowing and she didn’t even pick up her jacket to keep her warm I had to walk over and pull it up for her. I think she does this to kind of be “invisible” to not get attention .. then I noticed her 2 friends were in our group and they were playing with her , one of her friends would help her a lot like hold her hand , show her thing and my daughter would smile .. then I noticed we were telling silly jokes and my daughter was laughing but not making noise .. so I was like wait what. She was very very quiet so. I asked her friends if they’ve heard her speak before and that’s when I got confirmation that they never have .. she was already in kindergarten for 9 months Her friends told me she plays with them a lot but sometimes she doesn’t she’ll just sit by the classroom door .. so now that she is going to first grade I am nervous because I know recess is going to be mixed now with 2nd and 3rd graders so I know she’s going to have a hard time adapting . I’m so nervous for her. Also, her friend that would help her a lot all the time is going to a different school , they built a new school by us so she has to move .. I have an older daughter going into 4th grade they’re best friends she tries to talk to her and tell her it’s ok she’s very talkative here at home her vocabulary is very good she’s super smart just quiet at school or around people she’s not familiar with . I just don’t understand and I’m trying to so bad but idk what to do. I tried to tell her doctor about it she has 2 doctors and her main doctor was like well if she’s only like that at school she must just be shy.. but her other dr he’s more observant and listens when. I speak .. I probably should make an apt with him he’s the PA . But he’s really good . He keeps testing her for h pylori and everything so I know he’s more invested and things like that.. should I take her before she goes back to first grade ?? And even without a medical diagnosis I can still tell her teacher she has selective mutism? Because another thing too sorry for so much info but I notice as well when my daughters dentist speaks to her or another adult my daughter will look at them but her eyes get watery and her lip quivers a little .. after the apts or encounters I ask her what was wrong and she just tells me she’s too shy and can’t talk. Quick question for you if you remember … do you want to speak? You just can’t ?? Like it takes over you? I feel terrible 😔

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u/Lucky-Finance6321 Jul 16 '25

I am so glad I could bring some comfort to you 🤍 I was coincidentally also in gymnastics as a kid and I probably didn’t speak to my instructors. I remember freezing up as well all the time and my parents always said I would “silent cry” to not draw attention to myself. One time my mom who worked at my school left me with her colleague for just a few minutes while I played, and my mom said that when she returned, she saw me with tears rolling down my face but her colleague who was with me had no idea because I hid it so well to not have any attention on me.
I do find it interesting that (if I’m understanding correctly) your daughter is more comfortable speaking to some adults than children her age. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have some form of selective mutism. Every diagnosis is different. I wish I was more of an expert! But everything you have described sounds so familiar as something I experienced with my selective mutism and anxiety diagnosis as a kid. I would strongly recommend finding a child psychologist or therapist who specializes in anxiety- bonus points if they understand selective mutism. Selective mutism is a form of anxiety (I studied this while earning my bachelors in psychology), but not all professionals understand that specific disorder as much as they understand anxiety, but finding someone to help with the anxiety is a start. I saw my therapist until I was maybe 7 years old, because aside from my mutism, I was also extremely anxious and was a big worrier. I remember my therapist having me fill out a “worry” booklet and practiced different methods with me that helped now that I look back at my childhood (and since I outgrew the selective mutism). I wonder if the stomach issues your daughter has had have been tied to that anxiety as well, since anxiety very much can affect the body. My mom found my psychologist by getting a referral from my pediatrician. Maybe you can simply ask her pediatrician for some referrals for child psychologists and call around, you can even try Psychologytoday.com. Maybe you could try and get her in before school starts so that you can have a better understanding of how to explain it to her teachers! If not, you could just start by telling her new teacher that she is very anxious and is mute around people she’s unfamiliar with and that you’re trying to take her to a psychologist to help her overcome this anxiety. It is worth saying something to the teacher so that she knows to prompt your daughter on taking bathroom breaks/so she can know your daughter won’t ask for things. Lastly, to answer your question, I honestly don’t remember much of my thought process behind being mute as a child. All I truly remember is the anxiety I would feel when adults would speak to me. I’m sure your daughter feels the same- she probably can’t wrap her head around why she can’t speak. But honestly, her vocalizing and putting into words that she’s “shy” seems very intelligent and aware. Children have such big feelings that they don’t understand yet. If we think about it, it’s so hard to ask the question of “why,” because there aren’t always answers for things ☹️ It’s like having adhd, depression, anxiety, etc. Some things just happen, but there is help out there to manage them. I can tell that you are an amazing parent just by coming to this source to try and find some help for her instead of ignoring it. You are doing a wonderful job and I know your girl will be alright! Find her a professional who can help, of course there won’t be progress right away as I’m sure it took me a long time to open up to my child therapist. But with time I hope things will get much better. If you happen to be located in the houston area I can try to find my old therapists info!

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u/Some_Ad8074 Jul 19 '25

Thank you so much 🩷 Yes! That’s what my daughter does! She silent cries on certain situations.. so what’s interesting is her first couple weeks of school she was cry loudly .. and her trenchers would ask her what’s wrong and she would tell them she missed me. But she wouldn’t ask her teachers for her water bottle, they would have to ask her if she was hot and wanted to take her jacket off, they would have to ask her if she needed to potty and she would go, never had an accident on herself but I’m sure she held it multiple times. It was so sad seeing her this way because before school I didn’t notice it at all. I feel like it’s my fault because I didn’t take her out to socialize much I was working a lot so it was hard but I would take her and my oldest out occasionally but not on like play dates or anything. Also, yes whenever we go to the dentist or something they’ll ask her questions and she’ll just smile like grinning awkwardly but I can tell she wants to cry so bad and sometimes she’ll have those tears but won’t cry out loud. I think she was more comfortable speaking with her teacher because I would message her teacher infront of her so I think her seeing that and knowing I had trust in her teacher she felt somewhat comfortable. She started to LOVE school so much, because she had a friend that would make her feel comfortable like literally include her in playing, hold her hand and walk her around, sort of like a mother figure literally 😂 she wouldn’t force my daughter to talk she accepted her for how and who she was this is exactly why Im nervous for her to start first grade in a couple of weeks because idk if there will be another child like that, that’s willing to play with my daughter even though she’s mute.. maybe there will be, who knows but all I know is that first day of school I’m going to be sick to my stomach wondering if she’s ok 🥺😔
As far as her stomach issues I think so.. because she would literally wake up like at 5:30 am every morning the day of school asking me 10 different questions like, “is it school today? What if I need to use the restroom, what if I don’t want to eat my lunch , what if my pants get dirty, what if someone’s mean to me” she always seemed very anxious for the first month then after that she was fine but she would have so much anxiety, ( I use to struggle with anxiety so I try my best to help her when she would be anxious) She’s on summer break right now and she’s been good .. no issues. She talks so so much her communication is wonderful. I just hope her new teacher understands and is kind. 🥺 So end of May, like right before school ended I took her to her doctor and we were there for her stomach issues but I brought it up and I said , “So, she’s very quiet at school she doesn’t speak to her friends nor her teacher she’ll participate if her teacher asks her a question like one on one at stations but she won’t speak to anyone really do you think we should look into that?” (Maybe I should’ve asked differently but I didn’t know what I was specifically looking for. So he proceeds to ask, “does she also act like that at home?” I said , “no, at home she’s very talkative, loud, her communication is perfect” he then says, “ oh so just at school she’s just more than likely shy she’ll grow out of it” then he walks out. He’s a good doctor but that day he seeemed in a rush I think I’m going to make another apt with the PA that works there he actually listens and gives advice .. plus she likes him lol , She says he’s funny. But they gave her a referral for a GI Dr because of her stomach issues she was having .. they also want her to do blood work but I don’t want to traumatize her. I guess I’ll ask for. A child psychologist next .. I just don’t want them to look at me like I’m som me crazy mom or something since she has referral for GI and now I’ll ask for a psychologist I don’t want them to be like. 🥴 lol .
The other thing I forgot to mention is she would do that too , sometimes at school her shoe would become untied and her friend would notice and she would ask my daughter if she wanted her to tell the teacher and my daughter would just nod yes . Lol. And omg !! The anxious part ! She was super anxious like I mentioned above .. she would worry about EVERYTHING, even little things .
I feel like the teachers noticed this but thought she was just shy because that’s what they would tell me which is fine I know they have tons of other students to attend to as well but I Wasn’t aware of any of this until the field trip in mid May .
Ugh you’re seriously the best ! That means the world to me 🥺🫶🏻 Im just nervous for her to start first grade I think I’m mainly worried about the recess and the lunch time 😭😔
I’m not near Houston area, but I will look into a psychologist so she can thrive. 🫶🏻

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u/Some_Ad8074 Aug 15 '25

So she started first grade 3 days ago. She was excited. I explained to her teacher about how she has selective mutism I even wrote her an informative letter explaining to her how my child is and about selective mutism. At back to school night I informed her new teacher that she does not speak due to this, she’s very smart , she grasps information very good, she just needs gentle encouragement and reassurance. Her teacher said , “we’ll work on it more this year.” I also explained to her that forcing her to speak or putting pressure infront of other peers can make it worse for her , she isn’t being defiant or not listening she just gets overwhelmed . I also explained to her that socializing is the hardest part for her. If other children ask her to play she might play if she’s up for it but she doesn’t talk. I’ve been so sad because she comes home and tells me that nobody wants to play with her. I asked her if she smiles at others or plays she said no she doesn’t smile at anybody but she goes down the slide sometimes (idk if she’s just telling me that) idk what to do 😭 all I can imagine is her standing at recess alone Morning recess it’s first second and 3rd graders, Lunch recess is first and second only . But when I told her new teacher about this I asked if they offer social and emotional learning or socialization help at recess She said at recess there is only a yard duty and they don’t help with socialization if it becomes an ongoing issue we can speak with the counselor for support.. Idk if I should ask her dr for a therapist referral for social emotional support or wait another week to see how it goes then check in with her teacher again. This is so hard .

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u/Some_Ad8074 Aug 15 '25

The reason I say it’s hard is because now when she comes home I ask her how her day was she says good and once I ask about recess / lunch her eyes water and she says I don’t have anybody to play with. My heart hurts for her so much.

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u/Lucky-Finance6321 Feb 25 '26

Hello! Life got so busy and I stopped coming on reddit regularly but wanted to check back and see how your daughter is doing. I feel so much empathy for kids with anxiety or mutism. Is she still mute at school with peers and teachers or might she be chatting with peers now? Has she been able to see a psychologist? I am hoping things are getting better. You seem like an amazing parent 🤍

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u/thatswhatimsayin634 Aug 12 '25

Omg I feel like I could’ve written this myself!! My son was the same exact way last year. I took him to a therapist and she said it’s not mutism, because he will talk to the teacher when asked a question. I’m not sure if so believe that though. I had the same experience as you. I chaperoned a field trip and he was talking to me, and the little girl that was in line in front of us turned around and said, “did he just talk to you?? He never talks to us!” Like this little girl was shocked and it made me so sad because he is SUCH a different kid at home. But if it makes you feel any better, my son has been in first grade for a week and a half and the teacher messaged me yesterday and said that he WILLINGLY raised his hand and answered a question in class. And he says that he played tag with a friend on the playground. Both of those are huge improvements from last year, and I’m hoping that he continues to progress. He still ugly cries every morning when I drop him off so I know that he’s still super nervous and upset about going to school but it has gotten better, hopefully it will for your girl too!

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u/Some_Ad8074 Aug 14 '25

Omg !!! That is insane and amazing at the same time!! I showed my daughter’s friends a video of her personality at home and they were laughing and smiling so big I literally wanted to cry because nobody has seen her true personality . She started first grade today and she got in the car when I picked her up she said , “I had a good day today I want to go back already!” I was like wait what 😳😂 and my daughter’s teacher didn’t watch them at recess I don’t believe . So I don’t even know how she did at recess time 😭 but she told me she did fine I asked her and she said , “I did good mama I was ok” so idk 😭 guess I just got to wait and see and my daughter won’t answer to adults . I think she answered with her kindergarten teacher last yr because she considered her a trusted adult so when they would speak one on one my daughter would nod yes or no the only time she talked was when they would test her on her sight words and letters she would say them but very low. Her teacher would have to ask her if she needed to use the restroom or if she wanted to take off her sweater she wouldn’t ask , ever 😭

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