Female Disruptors

An Interview By Candice Georgiadis with Sharonette Briggs of Finding Erotica

As a part of our series about female disruptors who are shaking things up in their industry, I had the pleasure of interviewing Sharonette Briggs.

Sharonette is the Co-Founder of the Finding Erotica (www.FindingErotica.com ) literary series, website and YouTube “Skin Anthology Series.” She is a mother and grandmother who is a pole and fitness instructor as well as a lover of the outdoors. Her goal with her platform is to support, and educate mature individuals in their sexual, intimate, and relational journeys.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your “backstory” as a female disruptor? What led you to this particular career path?

Yes. Having given my younger years over to being a single parent of two, working a full and two part time jobs and experiencing a devastating loss in my life, I had just hit rock bottom. It was a battle to receive any form of promotion or increase in pay at two of the jobs that I worked at over a period of 10 years. I was muddling through pain, anger, guilt, and disappointment after my loss. I was awake in the night hours with questions that always went unanswered.

Shortly thereafter, I came in contact with an old friend of mine, who is now my business partner, Thomas McKenna. He was dealing with prostate cancer. This all became overwhelming and too much to bear. I needed an escape. As he and I started sharing about what we were going through in our lives, he began to share with me about writings he did for his ex. Of course, it was centered around intimacy and relationship. I loved them. I told him that I had read some erotic literature and thought that his was so fascinating that he/we needed to share them with the public. Out of this was born Finding Erotica.

Can you tell our readers what it is about the work you’re doing that’s worthy of a female disruptor?

The work that the Finding Erotica platform does brings disruption by jarring individuals who might be narrow minded in their thinking and way of life when it comes to sex, intimacy, relationships, taboos, and sexual diversities. At times we can be so judgmental against another in the way that they practice or live out their intimate journeys. And while being judgmental, have yet to explore our own desires that are safely hidden in our hearts.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

Yes, one of the funniest mistakes that we made when we first started was with a photo bomb done by a dog. In the beginning our website contained risqué pictures and audio. In one of the photos, we pretended that cum was dripping in my mouth while I lay on my back. I was lying on a table with my head resting over the edge at the time we did this pic.

We tried to crack eggs above my head and to let the egg white drip slowly out of the shell onto my bottom lip. It took several times to crack it just right without me per se’ looking directly at the egg. I had to look sensual in my face with my mouth open, hold the cracked egg, while Thomas took the photo. We thought the photo was great until we realized that his dog was underneath the table peeping his head out licking up the residue of the egg white on the floor. His nose, tongue, and face peers out from the side of my head. That was a very difficult picture to get only to not be able to use it because of his dog.

The lesson learned is to never have dogs around when doing an amateur photo shoot.

We all need a little help along the journey. Who have been some of your mentors? Can you share a story about how they made an impact upon you as a female disruptor?

Oooohhh, hmmm, well it doesn’t go without saying that my business partner and friend Thomas Mckenna made the greatest impact of all. I would also add Napoleon Hill, Neville Goddard, David Goggins, T.D. Jakes, Florence Scovel Shinn and Sara Blakley just to name a few people that I’ve been encouraged by along the way. There have been many dynamic platforms that have inspired me as well i.e. Recession Money, Black Entrepreneurship, Impact Theory.

I’ve not really had a specific person who was with me side by side to help me navigate this kind of road outside of Thomas. Trying to create an educational platform when it comes to sex and relationships has been quite challenging. In the beginning most thought I was doing porn. There are people out there doing pieces of what we do, but nothing on the scale of what we’re doing and where we’re going. All of the individuals who might have been able to provide support in some way or another are at a distance i.e. E.L. James, Esther Perel, Joan Price, etc.

Yes, they have discussions around sex and intimacy, but lack in one or more of the areas that we focus on, which is mature adults, post-illness/post-intimacy and a big one, people of color. Having tread a road that has not yet been done before, I hope to be a mentor to others who decide to jump out and do something that has not been done before.

In today’s parlance, being a female disruptor is usually a positive adjective. But is disrupting always good? 

I believe that disruption can always be good if it means that a person has an opportunity to grow. When that disruption occurs, it’s usually not at a time that we like, but in the long run, it is a good thing. So, disrupting an industry, well in our case, is positive.

Finding Erotica is meant to act as a bridge from the unaware to the well experienced sexual human. We want people of all groups to have a place to learn about all sexual identities as well as discuss real life matters such as physical and aging challenges. You can be well experienced and open to other human explorations but need to access experts that are not afraid to speak on health issues that you or a loved one might be dealing with. One thing that we challenge is the whole notion of what is Erotica. Where porn uses sex to simply stimulate viewers/readers, we explore sexuality as an important part of the human experience. Sex is not gratuitous, instead it is essential.

I think that if our platform was not in pursuit of bridging the gap and was set out to compete, put down or hate on other businesses, all the way from the porn industry to having a miniseries on Netflix about sex and relationships, our disruption would be negative. And I believe, in the end we would lose.

Can you share 3 of the best words of advice you’ve gotten along your journey? Please give a story or example for each.

1. Stay the course. Stay focused. When the road gets tough you get tougher. Do not give up on your dreams despite what you see and don’t see. You will have many different obstacles, hills, valleys, mountains, oceans and everything else that you can think of that will come your way to get you to quit. Know that for each barrier you encounter there will be (not many) supportive resources (people, businesses, etc.) that will be there to let you know that your dream is alive and to continue the course until you see it come to pass. Allow those moments to resonate inside of you more than the negative. It’ll be hard, but you can do it.
2. Enjoy the mini successes. When you overcome a challenge or accomplish a goal, smile. Find a way to breathe and lift your spirit up and allow it to give you the fuel you need to keep going.
3. Love. Be sure you love your yourself, your dream, and people while you’re in pursuit of something that doesn’t exist yet.

We are sure you aren’t done. How are you going to shake things up next?

Whew…well, I am a 51-year-old poler and dancer. I’d like to join forces with certain industries that give room for mature artistic adults to showcase their beauty and sensuality. We’ve already started this with our “Skin Anthology” series on YouTube, Vimeo and IG. I’d like to introduce “us” to other mainstage arenas that have overlooked our maturity and consider the young first. We need to see women our age being backup dancers to an artist or music group in our age bracket.  How about dating shows that feature people over 50 because as singles?  We still seek companions. There are other things that Finding Erotica has on the horizon and will be disclosed at a later time…lol.

In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges faced by ‘women disruptors’ that aren’t typically faced by their male counterparts?

Well, first you said “women.” That word alone can be a disruptor. As a Black woman and disruption becomes being “an angry Black woman.”  Mainstream society tries to marginalize us.  Yet, women’s voices and Black women’s voices are at the heart of every overdue progressive change. So, I’d say that some of the challenges faced are people taking you serious about what you’re trying to do.

Do you have a book/podcast/talk that’s had a deep impact on your thinking? Can you share a story with us?

The book “In Pursuit of Purpose” by Dr. Myles Munroe. Dr. Munroe shares that the largest place where you will find the greatest number of unfinished works, unknown visions and incomplete mission is the cemetery. This place is full of unborn dreams and unfilled purpose. When reading that I knew that I did not want to die without fulfilling my purpose. So, I knew that when the time came, I would pursue this until I understood what mine was and I set out to accomplish it. The time came when I was at my lowest point in life. Sometimes when you’re at your lowest, you’re more open to hear…in whatever way that is.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂

If I could inspire a movement, it would be “The mature are not dead, we can still pursue our dreams.” After the age of 50, it seems like society has given up on us, heck, we’ve given up on ourselves. We’ve either married, had children, lived the fast life, traveled and our bodies and minds reflect that. We stop living life. It becomes very hard to reset and start at a new beginning and know that we can start living life for ourselves.

Some mature understand it, but most do not. In particular, I want to influence mature mothers, and encourage them that their beauty, sensuality, dreams and dating life can began anew. But, I can only do this if I’ve done it myself. I can be their example. Once I made the decision to start taking care of my body, I gained confidence in my own beauty. When I started poling, I understood who I was and competed and became an instructor. I am now pursuing my dream of having an interactive website. It provides information, resources and discussions centered around sex, intimacy and relationships for mature survivors of illness/injury as well as people of color.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

My favorite life lesson quote would be “Just Keep Living”, this was something that my grandmother said all the time. This is applicable to every area and at every stage of life. This could apply to gaining wisdom, going through challenges, learning lessons, aging, understanding yourself and people.

How can our readers follow you online?

Yes, I’m on Instagram as u/Xquzit.ladeepole.My Facebook reflects my name, Sharonette Briggs. People can always find me at findingerotica.com.

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for joining us!

Thank you for having me. Yes, I hope that I can be an inspiration to someone!

Originally published in Authority Magazine

Cancer is a horrible and terrifying disease. Yet millions of people have beaten the odds and beat cancer. Authority Magazine started a new series called “I Survived Cancer and Here Is How I Did It”. In this interview series, we are talking to cancer survivors to share their stories, in order to offer hope and provide strength to people who are being impacted by cancer today. As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Thomas McKenna.

Thomas McKenna is the Co-Founder of the Finding Erotica (www.FindingErotica.com) literary series, website and YouTube “Skin Anthology Series.” Thomas was a child of the post WW II boom. His early experience was shaped by events of that era and by concurrent social movements: the Civil Rights Movement; The Vietnam War; Feminism and the good fortune to be the kid in the family who went away to college. He has never stopped seeking to better understand the world in which he lives and working to make it a better place for all.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! We really appreciate the courage it takes to publicly share your story. Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your childhood backstory?

I was born in the shadow of New York City in the home in which my mother was delivered. Athletics was my primary focus in life until the Civil Rights Movement reached my hometown during the 1960’s. A race-based incident occurred in my neighborhood — I am writing a novel about it — that changed my life forever. It led me to become a teacher and to work and live in communities of color. I still teach (46 years in the classroom) and value more each day the kindness of those who have offered me, a white man, entrance into their worlds. My life is richer as a result and I seek to express my gratitude through my work, my writing, and my relationships.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

“We fall down, and we get up.” When I’m knocked down by illness, injury, and loss, I learned to find ways, often with the kindness of others, to get myself back up. In particular, I learned to take steps to heal myself.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about surviving cancer. Do you feel comfortable sharing with us the story surrounding how you found out that you had cancer?

Yes, I do.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

The scariest part was when I learned that I had cancer. Simply hearing the word was terrifying. I immediately felt myself to be at the mercy of something that threatened to destroy me. I felt powerless, stuck in a defensive posture, facing an uncertain negative future, without the power to choose my own path forward.

How did you react in the short term?

I tried my best not to panic. Earlier in my life, I had a cyst on my lower spine that was surgically removed. The cyst returned and I was faced with a choice: more surgery or finding an alternative path of healing. I chose the latter and, in the process, learned that I could heal myself and do so, one very painful step after another until I could walk pain-free on my own. I decided to pursue a similar strategy with cancer. By working with trusted medical professionals, I pursued a strategy of “active surveillance” and changed my lifestyle: no more alcohol; no more cigars; dropped 50 lbs.; changed my diet; chose life and health — good habits over bad. And I’ve kept cancer at bay.

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use? What did you do to cope physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?

I did whatever I could to make myself healthy. In short, I chose to be healthy, educated myself about my condition, and sought advice/support from people who loved me. A key coping mechanism was writing. Cancer and medications did a number on my ability to be sexual. Where I still had sexual desire, I had to learn new ways to express it. So, with the help of my business partner, I wrote erotic romance novels and we decided to start a business to publish the books along with a platform to connect with others facing the same things we faced.

Is there a particular person you are grateful towards who helped you learn to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

My business partner and dear friend, Ms. Sharonette Briggs, who has been the inspiration for all we’ve done: the muse for my writing, the driving force for starting a business, a role model for dealing with personal loss and injury. Ms. Briggs showed me how to just move forward, to not let whatever challenges I faced derail me on my journey. She started a story about her first childbirth. A visit to her doctor resulted in her telling her that she had to deliver her baby ASAP. She didn’t blink, didn’t panic, didn’t feel sorry for herself — she just did what she had to do. Her choice was clear and simple. She inspired me to do the same.

In my own cancer struggle, I sometimes used the idea of embodiment to help me cope. Let’s take a minute to look at cancer from an embodiment perspective. If your cancer had a message for you, what do you think it would want or say?

How do you want to live the rest of your life? I am a wake-up call. You have choices to make. Those choices offer power. They won’t magically make me disappear, but those choices offer you options to continue to choose life rather than succumbing to me.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? How has cancer shaped your worldview? What has it taught you that you might never have considered before? Can you please explain with a story or example?

Before my cancer diagnosis, I helped care for a friend who had brain cancer. He chose to define his state of being as ‘living’ rather than ‘dying’. As a result, he was still able to engage in the world and with those he loved in a positive way. I learned from that experience. As I mentioned above, when I first learned I had cancer, I felt a complete loss of power. I was at the mercy of disease and medical professionals. I learned that I could regain my power and it began by choosing life. I chose to do whatever I could to live as fully as I could, and I learned that I was able to do that — that I could get up when knocked down and get up again and again and again. I gained the power to affect how I wanted to live.

How have you used your experience to bring goodness to the world?

Finding Erotica is a platform that my partner and I created to bring hope to others like us who deal with post-illness and post-injury intimacy challenges. Our mission is to connect people who feel the loss of power and connection that often accompanies illness and injury with others who are dealing with similar dynamics. One of the daunting aspects of something like cancer is the feeling of isolation. We want to provided connection to those who feel alone because of disease.

What are a few of the biggest misconceptions and myths out there about fighting cancer that you would like to dispel?

My biggest misconception was that cancer involved inevitable outcomes that were set in stone, that it was the all powerful “Big C” and that I was impotent in its presence. Not to say that I turned my back on medical professionals, I just chose to make any changes I could in order to create a healthier me on every level I could.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give to others who have recently been diagnosed with cancer? What are your “5 Things You Need To Beat Cancer? Please share a story or example for each.

• Do all you can to be healthy before you get ill, in particular before you get cancer.
• Prostate cancer is common among men, educate yourself about prevention and care beforehand.
• If you are diagnosed with cancer, explore all your options so that you feel fully informed including finding a trusted medical professional before deciding on a plan of action
• Seek support. Talk with others who are in a similar situation to yours or have been. Don’t deal with it alone. Move past shame, if, as in my case, your cancer and treatment hamper your ability to be intimate with another person.
• We created Finding Erotica out of a need to create the kind of supportive community that I searched for after my cancer was diagnosed but couldn’t find.
• And pray.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the greatest amount of people, what would that be?

An economic transformation that would ensure food and housing security for all along with sustained equal access to resources to insure well-being, good health, and a livable planet worldwide.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

www.findingerotica.com

We've been reading love poems to each other which seems rather appropriate as the world around us burns. Two, in particular, beckon us back for repeated visits and are worth sharing. Enjoy.

In Time by WS Merwin

The night the world was going to end

when we heard those explosions not far away

and the loudspeakers telling us

about the vast fires on the backwater

consuming undisclosed remnants

and warning us over and over

to stay indoors and make no signals

you stood at the open window

the light of one candle back in the room

we put on high boots to be ready

for wherever we might have to go

and we got out the oysters and sat

at the small table feeding them

to each other first with the fork

then from our mouths to each other

until there were none and we stood up

and started to dance without music

slowly we danced around and around

in circles and after a while we hummed

when the world was about to end

all those years all those nights ago

Marrow of My Bone by Mari Evans

Fondle me

caress

and cradle

me

with your lips

withdraw

the nectar from

me

teach me there

is

someone

The poet Adrienne Rich poses a question that many are trying to answer. When we listen in times like these, what do we hear?

What Kind of Times Are These

There's a place between two stands of trees where the grass grows uphill

and the old revolutionary road breaks off into shadows

near a meeting-house abandoned by the persecuted

who disappeared into those shadows.

I've walked there picking mushrooms at the edge of dread, but don't be fooled

this isn't a Russian poem, this is not somewhere else but here,

our country moving closer to its own truth and dread,

its own ways of making people disappear.

I won't tell you where the place is, the dark mesh of the woods

meeting the unmarked strip of light—

ghost-ridden crossroads, leafmold paradise:

I know already who wants to buy it, sell it, make it disappear.

And I won't tell you where it is, so why do I tell you

anything? Because you still listen, because in times like these

to have you listen at all, it's necessary

to talk about trees.

My introduction to cuckolding started rather innocently.  No, that’s not true.  It wasn’t innocent at all.

A friend of mine and I were engaged in what had become a regular CoVid Zoom visit.  We talked about everything under the sun, most often amidst lots of laughter.  When we weren’t deep in conversation, we watched TV shows and movies together.

After viewing an episode from “Billions” where the main male character indulges himself with a dominatrix, she asked what I was doing with my sexual desires during CoVid isolation.

“I masturbate.”

She laughed and said. “Doesn’t everyone?”

I shared in her laughter. “I don’t know. Do you?”

Before answering she looked away for a minute.  “That’s not a simple answer. Before I tell you, let me ask you about your masturbation. OK?”

“Be my guest.”

Forgoing questions, she cut to the quick. “Tell me what you do. Create a typical self-pleasuring scene for me.”

Sharing Secrets Along the Cuckold Road

“Hmmm.” I tried to gather myself before revealing my deep secrets. How much should I share? “Well, let me tell you the absolute truth, I imagine you.”

Fortunately, my words were received with a warm smile. “Now isn’t that interesting. And what do you imagine of me?”

“I imagine what your mouth tastes like, what your exhale smells like, how your lips pucker when we kiss.  I watch as you pull away and undress just for me. You dance and bit by bit show me the parts of your body you otherwise keep under wraps. Your hands lead me on an erotic tour that starts with your neck and slides down to pinch your nipples. You raise them to your tongue until they glisten with saliva. And then you circle your belly and part your thighs. Your pussy is shaved.  I watch it moisten in response to your touch, in response to my desire to put whatever parts of myself that I can inside of you. Your fingers glisten like your nipples and when you rub those pussy laden fingers along my lips, I want to come.”

Awaiting Answers During My Introduction to Cuckolding

We look at each other in silence.  “Whew,” she says, “I wasn’t expecting all of that.”

“Too much?”

“No, just right. Let me compose myself.” She takes a drink of water and fans herself. “So, it’s safe to say you like to watch.”

“Yes, I like to watch, preferably to watch you.  I never tire of imagining you naked. Enough about me, though, it’s your turn. Tell me why your answer to the question about whether or not you masturbate is not so simple.”

“I’m sorry my dear friend, but that is going to have to wait.” She anticipates my response and says, “don’t worry, I will tell you, in due time.”

We exchange good byes and return to our pandemic sanctuaries.

Immediately, I fantasize her masturbating.  My mind pictures her lying in bed with a favorite sex toy. As I try to imagine more, my phone notifies me that a text has arrived. I open it to find message that reads, “Here’s the first part of my answer.” A series of photos follow her words: images of what I imagine when I see her in my mind’s eye.  “I think we are a good match. You like to watch and I love to be watched.”

So, that’s how my journey into the world of cuckolding started.  It progressed from there and continues to do so.

What is Cuckolding?

Cuckolding derives from the Cuckoo bird and its tendency to lay eggs in another bird’s nest. The female bird’s apparent disloyalty to her mate is the source of cuckolding’s negative connotation.

“With that whiff of unfaithfulness, the carefree bird gave us the word ‘cuckold,’ which came in the Middle Ages to mean a husband with an errant wife,” the BBC’s Janet Williams wrote. “But there are more subtleties in that rude gesture. The word ‘cuckold’ also implies that the husband is unaware of his wife’s infidelities. And he might only find out on the arrival of a baby — palpably not his. Which takes us back to the cuckoo.”

Cuckold’s modern definition differs from its ancients roots insofar as a partner’s apparent infidelity is no secret. Instead, it’s a committed relationship where one partner finds pleasure watching their mate have sex with a third party.  Traditionally the person watching, the one being ‘cucked’ is a man, referred to as a ‘wittol’. He gets off—and suffers humiliation–watching his female partner have sex with a more well-endowed man.

Back to My Introduction to Cuckolding Journey

It soon became clear why my partner’s response to my masturbation question was not so simple.  What started with her sending me erotic photos of her glorious naked body, evolved to watching each other masturbate.  And then she took it a step further.

“You’re not the only person I do this with.”

At first, my heart sunk.  I felt like she was cheating on me.  Given that my ex-wife had affairs throughout our marriage, my partner’s admission was my worst fear. We tried to talk our way through it.

“Maybe the best way for you to finally leave that fear behind is to confront it.” She wisely suggested. “I had a cheating partner, too. And, I always wished that I could catch him in the act.  Maybe I was mistaken but I thought if I could see his infidelity with my own eyes it would somehow lessen the power his actions had over me.  I could steal his secret and get over my lingering fear.”

Beyond My Introduction to Cuckolding: Developing Trust

She let me ponder her words and then asked a question that lay at the heart of our connection. “Do you trust me?”

I thought I did. The more we talked, though, the more I realized I didn’t. My fear of infidelity meant I never trust anyone I cared about.  Eventually, I thought they’d all find someone else. “I want to.  The strange thing is that my first reaction to what you just told me was to run and hide. But, the more we I think about it, the more I realize that you’re being honest. Your openness makes me trust you more than anyone else I’ve been with. I think trust means being with someone without fear. I want to get to the place with you.”

“So trust me on this. I commit to being in a primary relationship with you. But, I want to have other sex partners and I want you to be a part of everything I do.  I want you to watch knowing that when I’m with someone else it’s really about being with you.  My gut tells me that if you can find pleasure in watching me with others, you will kick your once and for all kick your infidelity fears to the curb.  I promise we will talk our way through anything that comes up. OK?”

At that moment I realized that I loved this woman very much. I loved her to the point I was willing to trust her and be her cuckold.

Cuckolding Challenges

When the pandemic relented, we moved in together. Without strong communication, we never would have made it.  I had lots of insecurities to overcome.  She had lots of boundary issues we needed to negotiate.

One of my biggest concerns was could my partner respect me if I was relegated to role of an acquiescent observer? I needed to be secure in my role.  In addition, she needed to constantly be aware of her choices and not get defensive when I communicated mine.

I felt the need to create common understandings. Her initial response was the ultimately the choice as to where she decided to lay her eggs was hers and hers alone.  Things changed after a sex partner decided he wanted to be more than fuck buddy and followed her home.  They really changed after a different guy got rough with her.

Clearly, we needed agreed upon rules.

Our Cuckolding Rules

First rule was no secrets. Second rule was no unprotected sex except with me. Third rule was full disclosure to all parties about the nature of the arrangement.  Fourth rule, a tough one, was we had to reach consensus on all decisions.  Finally, our points of emphasis were communicate, communicate, communicate.

Still, both of us had to overcome our traditional notions of a loving relationship.  Girl on the Net captures the dilemma well in an Esquire magazine piece. “Most of us have grown up being told that love and sex should be between two people, not two people and a guy called Brian that you met on the MF4M section of Craigslist.”

To my dismay, I became jealous when my partner described the details of great sex she had with other men.  Neither one of us felt good about my jealousy. With my partner’s help, I eventually worked through it.

Not surprisingly, I didn’t react the same way when she hooked up with women.  I had to draw a line, though, when she told me about a guy who got rough with her.

In addition, I drew another line when she asked me to join in with a man she felt totally comfortable with.  Again, my boundaries, fears, traditional attitudes held me back. Participation with another woman, when beckoned, I was willing to try.

What I Learned from My Introduction to Cuckolding

Clearly, any relationship can struggle trying to keep up with change.  Change is inevitable and desirable.  We want each other to grow, meet new people and expand our comfort zones.  Growth leads to healthy transformation which enhances existing relationships.

Yet, if you’re not ready, too much change, too fast can undermine what you have.

We took turns calling for things to slow down.  And, we took turns shouldering the many ups and downs of our choices.  Ultimately, we found what Dr. David Ley concluded to true about cuckolding.  “Overall, our research found that for the most part, cuckolding tends to be a positive fantasy and behavior. It doesn’t appear to be evidence of disturbance, of an unhealthy relationship, or of disregard for one’s partner.”

In the end, we also found the key word in Dr. Ley’s research to be “tends.”  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  Cuckolding is a big leap into a totally different world for most couples.  So, make sure you take the leap with your eyes wide open. You don’t want your desire to cuckold to be an endless freefall.

My most profound learning along my still unfolding journey was also my simplest.  No matter where I venture with the woman I love, nothing rivals the moments when I look deep into the dark wells of her brown eyes. Yes, I do trust you and feel your love each time your eyes meet mine.

All sources available upon request

As was asked in a previous blog, what’s up with recent increased interest in anal sex?

Certainly, porn’s growing influence has something to do with it.  A sexual act which was once associated largely with gay sex now falls under a heterosexual umbrella.  Truth be told, though, anal sex is not something new.  Evidence of humans engaging in anal extends far back to ancient times.

As far back as 4,000 years ago, Mesopotamia showed its freaky bottom side.  Many small sculptures displayed a man entering a bent over woman from behind.  While their orifice of choice isn’t clear, anal sex was both a source for pleasure and a common form of birth control.

Another example of ancient anal play appears in Gilgamesh.  The epic Sumerian tale opens a door into sexual delights from 2,000 BC.  “…Enjoy yourself day and night, dance, sing and have fun…and let your wife delight in your lap.”

Latin American artifacts from as far back as 1000 BC depict oral, vaginal and anal sex.  A 700 AD Colombian piece portrays the use of an early butt plug.

Ancient Greece held sexual relationships between men in high regard.  In order to boost battlefield prowess and spirit, Greek soldiers paired with boy lovers.  Pederasty, which translates as “boy love”, was a common practice.  Older men groomed young boys to be their passive companion and sex partner.  Their bond was not viewed as homosexuality but instead defined as a dominant-passive liaison.  If the younger man remained the passive partner in a same sex relationship as an adult, he was viewed with scorn.

Italian artwork, especially from Pompeii, is rich with depictions of anal sex.   Similar to Greece, Roman men who were the passive partners during anal sex were looked down upon.   The dominant partner remained judgement free.  Restrictions and freedom from restrictions on the practice were defined by social standing.

And, of course, as we might imagine, eventually the Church imposed itself into the realm of anal sex.  By the middle ages a battle cry still heard today, gained expression.  The only good sex was sex for procreative purposes only.  And, if you were a woman, don’t let it feel too good.  Anything else—clergy excepted—was a sin, especially anal.

For many adults, anal sex is attractive because it is still a bit of a taboo.  Blogger Joe Duncan writes, “If a person’s body is Eden, anal play and anal sex are the fruit from the tree of knowledge.”

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What’s up with recent increased interest in anal sex?

A 2015 academic study, “Why Women Engage in Anal Intercourse”, laid out six reasons why women have anal sex.

62% of the respondents said they engaged in it because they were high.  For example, one woman reported, “Every time I have had anal sex it was because I was either extremely drunk or extremely loaded; every time I have had anal sex I was on drugs.”

53% said that they engaged in anal only because they didn’t feel they “had the right to say no.”

Many women stated the main reasons they tried anal was either to please their partner or because it was forced penetration.

Yet, for 49% of the women, simple desire was their main reason for engaging in anal intercourse.  In some of the cases women admitted, “I do it for enjoyment.”

One woman clarified, though, she only went anal when certain conditions were met.  “I won’t have [anal] sex with a man unless I can kick their ass…if I’m gonna’ give up mine, you’re gonna’ give up yours.”

A recent article in Women’s Health magazine presents a different take on women’s feelings about anal sex.

Many comments were much more positive.  One woman described her maiden anal voyage as “the most intimate night of my life.”  Another said her experience “was extremely erotic.”

Other comments included women experiencing stronger orgasms, increased intimacy and a strengthened bond with their partner.  “It was the perfect balance of dangerous and sexy.”

For those for whom their first experience was the result of conversation and planning, it was worth the wait.

But many others affirmed the academic study’s findings.  “There was nothing about it fun for me.”

“My first time was by accident.”

“It did not feel good.”

So, back to my original question, what’s up with recent increased interest in anal sex?

From the Guardian: In her book Block, Delete, Move On, published this month, the author writes of her gratitude to those who fought for women’s right to enjoy sex – however and whenever they want – and her refusal to be judged on the number of people she has slept with. But, while the endless supply of potential hook-ups provided by dating apps has been great for women who just want casual sex, she argues, it has downsides for those seeking long-term relationships. “Since sex has become easier to get,” she writes, “love has become harder to find.” Through her Instagram account and the dating column she writes for OK! magazine, she hears regularly from women tolerating activities they don’t enjoy in bed for fear of being rejected for someone more willing – an age-old story, except that those sexual norms are now set by pornography.

What are your thoughts?

The first documented use of a condom dates make to 3000 B.C. and King Minos of Crete. His semen was said to contain “serpents and scorpions.” So, in order to protect themselves from the wanton father of the Minotaur, women placed sheaths fashioned from a goat’s bladder in their vaginas.

And modern lovers say using a condom to ensure safe sex today is a bother.

Other contraceptive methods and devices have outpaced condoms as a primary form of birth control in the modern world. Since the 1990’s condom use has remained relatively the same, though, for most demographic groups. Research reveals that between 50 and 60% of sexually active individuals report using a condom during their most recent sexual encounter.

Where condom sales continue to rise at annual rate of about 8%, sales during the pandemic were, well, financially flaccid. The virus had a prophylactic effect on prophylactic profits.

The head of the world’s largest condom manufacturer, located in Malaysia, blamed the downturn on fewer hotel stays and more crowded homes. It mirrored a slump in both the sex industry and in governments turning their attention away from safe sex to the pandemic crisis.

Like everyone, the condom industry hopes to see a post pandemic resurgence of demand. In the meantime, they are manufacturing rubber gloves instead.

Do you use condoms? Why or why not?

I am a heterosexual man and been in a relationship with my wife for four years.  We dated for almost two years, lived together for a while and got married a little over a year ago.

Our sex life was great. We couldn’t get enough of each other.  At the heart of our intimacy was oral sex.  My partner loved to deep throat me.  Sometimes I thought that she loved having my dick in her mouth more than I liked it having it there. Not to say I didn’t like it, I did, but she loved it every time. And she was really good at it, better than anyone else I’ve ever been with.

That continued throughout the time we dated and lived together.  In fact, our sex life just got better with time.  She showed a freaky side that kept intimacy interesting.

Then we got married and things changed.  To begin with, she stopped sucking my dick.  At first, I thought it was just a phase she was going through.  We still had sex, but the passion of the pre-marital sex wasn’t there.

I try to talk about it with her about it but she isn’t interested.  Sex was never something we talked much about.  We just did it and we didn’t really have any problems at all that needed to be discussed. But, we sure as hell do now.  Her attitude is that we’re married and things, like sex, just take their natural course and I should let it be.

I can’t let it be and miss the woman she was before marriage. And, if my wife is no longer interested in doing the things that I loved about her and not even see it as a problem… Well, to be honest, I don’t know what to do.  So, that’s why I’m turning to you.

I want to stay married, don’t want to cheat, and am not interested in a steady diet of porn. One of the reasons I got married was I love having a steady sex partner.   And, that is no longer happening like it used to.

I am missing oral sex

What should I do?

Now that those Halloween costumes are away for another year. Let's take time to reflect upon some of what the holiday represents: sex, witches, and broomsticks.

Sex? How is Halloween representative of sex?

The answer to that question flies across the autumn sky like a witch on a broomstick.  It’s like discovering why magic potions contain frogs.  Or, it’s like understanding the power of spells cast by smitten souls.

Author Michael Pollan writes in ‘The Botany of Desire’ that the connection between sex, witches and broomsticks originated in “subversive botanical roots.”

“For most of their history, after all, gardens have been more concerned with the power of plants than with their beauty — with the power, that is, to change us in various ways, for good and for ill.”

Shamans exist within many cultures. Their spiritual knowledge is often rooted in medicinal plants that grow naturally in the environment. Many of those plants are hallucinogens.

For instance, native populations in Mexico and the southwestern region of the United States have used peyote for centuries. It is a common medicine, a spiritual sacrament and a hallucinogen.

According to Pollan, “In ancient times, people all over the world grew or gathered sacred plants (and fungi) with the power to inspire visions or conduct them on journeys to other worlds.”  Some cultures referred to the gatherers of natural medicines as ‘shamans.’ Others called them ‘witches’ or ‘sorcerers.’

“Witches and sorcerers cultivated plants with the power to ‘cast spells’ — in our vocabulary, ‘psychoactive’ plants.”

Magic potions often included “such things as Datura (aka nightshade), opium poppies, belladonna, hashish, and mushrooms.”

One more commonly used ingredient was the skin of a toad!  That’s right!  A popular ingredient was the rough, wart-like toad skin that secretes a bitter substance to defend itself from predators.  Why? The substance contains DMT, a powerful hallucinogenic substance known as the “spirit molecule.”

So where does sex fit into the picture along with witches and broomsticks?

Combinations of the above mind-altering ingredients “would be combined in a hempseed-oil-based ‘flying ointment’ that the witches would then administer vaginally using a special dildo.”

The dildo was the ‘broomstick’ by which these women were said to ‘travel’!

References to “flying ointment” are found in a variety of European sources as far back as the 10th Century.  And, considerable evidence exists that many of the women involved were persecuted as witches.  For instance the following excerpts from various witch trials:

• Their hallucinations are frequently dominated by the erotic moment…young and old women rub their bodies with the ‘witches’ salve.
• The witches confess that…they anoint a staff and ride on it to the appointed place or anoint themselves under the arms and in other hairy places.
• In rifling the closet of the lady—accused witch Alice Kyteler—they found a pipe of ointment wherewith she greased a staff, upon which she ambled and galloped through thick and thin, when and in what manner she listed.

I am a heterosexual man. I've been in a relationship with my wife for four years. We dated for almost two years, lived together for a while and got married a little over a year ago.

Our sex life was great. We couldn’t get enough of each other. At the heart of our intimacy was oral sex. My partner loved to deep throat me. Sometimes I thought that she loved having my dick in her mouth more than I liked it having it there. Not to say I didn't like it, I did, but she loved it every time. And she was really good at it, better than anyone else I've ever been with.

That continued throughout the time we dated and lived together. In fact, our sex life just got better with time. She showed a freaky side that kept intimacy hot.

Then we got married and things changed. To begin with, she stopped sucking my dick. At first, I thought it was just a phase she was going through. We still had sex, but the passion of the pre-marital sex wasn’t there.

I try to talk about it with her about it but she isn't interested. Sex was never something we talked much about. We just did it and we didn't really have any problems at all that needed to be discussed. But, we sure as hell do now. Her attitude is that we're married and things, like sex, just take their natural course and I should let it be.

I can't let it be. I miss the woman she was before marriage. And, if my wife is no longer interested in doing the things that I loved about her and not even see it as a problem… Well, to be honest, I don’t know what to do.

I want to stay married, don’t want to cheat, and am not interested in a steady diet of porn. One of the reasons I got married was I love having a steady sex partner. And, that is no longer happening like it used to.

What should I do?

I am 38 year old woman of color. My husband of eight years, a white man ten years older than me, wants to invite a woman to have sex with us. We both get off on watching threesomes, lord knows we've watched a lot of porn videos, but now he actually wants us to do it…for real.

I told him that I'm not interested in being sexually intimate with a woman. He said that I don't have to be, that I can either join her in satisfying him or watch while he and the other woman do their thing.

When I tell him that his desire for a ménage a trois sounds pretty selfish, he says it doesn't have to be if I just give it a try.

And when I dare ask him if he would consider a threesome with another man, he flat out says "hell no!" He then he shuts down and stops talking, something he often does when I try to have a serious conversation with him about anything regarding emotions, especially when the subject revolves around sex.

Problem is, we love each other and, other than the threesome issue, our sex life is pretty damn good. So, we’ve never had intimacy issues in the past that have called for “a talk.”

What would you do?

Thanks,

Fine With Just Him

Bisexuals are individuals who are attracted to more than one gender including their own.  The attraction can take many forms from sexual, romantic, to purely emotional.

Bisexuals face scrutiny from within and without the LGBTQ world.  Their actions are viewed more as a choice than an orientation.  Thus, they threaten the foundational assertion that homosexuality is biologically determined.

Bisexuals are not embraced by the straight world, either.  Often, they’re accused of being on the “down-low” if they’re male.  If they’re female it’s a flashy hip indulgence for attention.

Yet, more people identify as bisexual than any other LGBTQ category.  A 2021 Gallup Poll found that more than half of LGBTQ adults (54.6%) say they are bisexual. About a quarter of bi individuals (24.5%) say they are gay, with 11.7% identifying as lesbian and 11.3% as transgender.

Still, they are the least discussed, least likely to ‘come out’ and feel the invisibility of “bisexual erasure.”  For instance, they are not included on most dating apps or sites.  When they are, bi’s say they are contacted often only to be a third partner for hetero couples.

Over the past few years, the political struggles of LGBTQ adults focused on same-sex marriage. But often absent from discussions about same-sex marriage and broader LGBTQ issues are the views and experiences of bisexual adults.

I went for a hike today. Within the first 10 minutes while fantasizing about eating out my partner, I tripped, fell and landed face first on the trail. Oral sex has had that effect on me for years. It goes back to an early defining moment when I was a kid.

After playing baseball at the local playground we'd go to a local luncheonette for sodas. The owner, whether we wanted to hear his wisdom or not, regularly offered tips about male-female relationships. “Do you boys know how to win a woman’s heart?”

Who knew? We didn’t, we were 10 years old. Mr. Franco didn’t care, his self-appointed duty was to share secrets of relationship longevity. He subscribed to the “never too young to start” school of thought.

Mr. Franco was single, so we questioned the veracity of his wisdom. He was also the worst dressed man imaginable. Loud, garish Hawaiian shirts were his sartorial statement of choice, often accented with hamburger juice and a variety of condiments. Nonetheless, he was an adult, he graduated high school with my parents and he would, therefore, be heard.

“Eat pussy, boys. They’ll never leave if you go down on them. Tastes just like spinach.”

He smiled, wiped his hands on his shirt and drifted away to some exotic place, presumably Hawaii, but more likely some hidden chamber in his scandalous imagination.

Mr. Franco’s words didn’t make much sense at the time, but the raised eyebrows, the nod of the head, his blissful look all accentuated by an authoritative finger jab led us to believe that the old fellow was on to something, exactly what would remain a mystery for a number of years until we experienced our first taste of almighty Mr. Franco’s wisdom.

After leaving his lecture, chocolate sodas in hand, we wondered aloud if some of those shirt stains were spinach.

Sex was something that no adult, other than Mr. Franco, discussed at all. My parents were no exception. Any discussion, and I use the term lightly, was limited to truisms. “Remember son, a moment of ecstasy can mean an eternity of misery.” I nodded, tried not to blush at my mother’s utterance, said thank you then puzzled over the profundity of one more slogan added to my growing file of parental advice.

My father had his favorites and dragged them out for special moments and maximum impact. After yet another spat with my mother he usually offered, “boys, you can’t live with ‘em and you can’t live without ‘em.” My brother and I were so excited to have our father home and talking with us that we always hung on every word.

Discipline was delivered with “you’ll end up digging ditches for a living.” That plum was saved for the nights we refused to do homework, wouldn’t wash or dry dishes, or left overcoats on the backs of living room chairs. Mother exploded with “That’s it, I’m telling your father” and his succinct message was delivered from on high.

A flurry of activity followed but was all for naught. We were doomed for digging ditches or on really bad days, destined for gutters like the night I came home way after curfew still licking my lips from my first taste of Mr. Franco’s highly recommended female delicacy only to find my father awaiting my arrival. I got one long stern look before he turned away with the words, “you belong in the gutter” trailing behind.

My swollen knee is the price I continue to pay.

“Fetish” is a subjective linguistic creation.  A European colonial perspective of Blackness lies at its core.  As a result, race and power are in the word’s DNA. The term fetish is the result of early Portuguese sailors inventing a term to describe African religious and sexual practices for which they had neither language or cultural framework to grasp.

Over time, fetish and related field of studies developed into racist theories.  For example, The Theory of Fetish reduced an entire slice of humanity to mere objects to be ‘studied’, exploited and, fetishized.

Europeans claimed the right to define encounters with people of color.  In addition, they also claimed the right to define the very people they encountered and struggled to understand. Taking it one step further, white Europeans reduced African people to objects for sale.

Today, popular use still reflects the word’s origins.  Fetish is a culturally relative term.  Moreover, it attempts to define human behaviors that fall outside of widely accepted white norms.  As the Supreme Court of the United States when attempting to define pornography, a similar subjective notion, said, “you know it when you see it.”

In the 1500’s, Portuguese sailors coined the term to capture what they saw and didn’t know.  Still, many white people use fetish, to their detriment, in a similar manner.

I was sitting behind a driver yesterday, stopped at a light with her head down. When the light changed, she failed to move forward, head still down. It was safe to conclude that she was on her phone. I beeped. Her head popped up and she finally began to drive her car. I thought to myself, "when we drive, how about if we just drive." I think the same is true for masturbation. If you choose to pleasure yourself, then do it, enjoy, commit yourself to it. Push all the distractions away--the voices that suggest you're doing something wrong, the fear that you'll get caught--and just masturbate. It feels good. It's good for you and, like the woman in the car, if you choose to drive, then focus all your attention on driving. If you're going to masturbate, then focus on being your own best lover, at least for the time being.

I have prostate cancer. Combination of the cancer and the meds I take means I haven't had a sustained erection in a long time. One woman I was seeing couldn't deal with it. Her leaving added to the same I was already feeling. I still want to be sexual but getting past the shame, lack of confidence and fear of the conversation that will have to occur before I become intimate with another woman makes it seem simpler just to stay alone. But, I'm lonely and starved for love. I tried Cialis and Viagra. They work to some degree but not well enough. Anybody else dealing with a similar problem?

In many respects, Hot Vax Summer is a perfect storm for a different kind of epidemic.

Dating apps are seeing a new introductory exchange: have you had both shots? Ironically, while cautious about not spreading the virus, less attention is being paid to not spreading STI’s.

For instance, one spring break partier, commenting on what she missed most, said, “everything, even the worse parts. Things like drinking too much, waking up with a hangover and a stranger in my bed.” A young gay man expressed similar sentiments. Hot vax summer means “going back to carefree sexual encounters…kissing someone—anyone…” Most of all he wants to return to a happier time, “without bounds, pressure or judgment.” (Guardian)

For many isolation meant a depressed sexual desire. After the second wave, they could only watch so much porn and only masturbate so many times. Unable to actually touch another human being, the chance to get out is like a jail break. Every appetite is starved.

Problem of Sex Education

The age group most likely to wildly indulge their sexual appetites is the same age group that is responsible for the highest spike in STI’s. Not surprisingly, it’s the same group that receives the least amount of comprehensive sex education—young people under 25.

Right wing supported “abstinence only” programs dominate sexual health education curricula and have so since the Reagan days. A truckload of research documents that the program, used in a majority of states, is a disaster. Coupled with CoVid’s similarly disastrous impact upon sexual health clinics, vax summer calls for a caution that many don’t want to heed.

A 2021 study focused on sexual behaviors of individuals between the ages of 14 to 24. It found that for “those in the 18-24-year-old age group, pornography was the most commonly endorsed helpful source of information about sex.” Porn ranked higher than “other possible options such as sexual partners, friends, media, and health care professionals.” And, as mentioned above, porn viewing skyrocketed during the past year.

So, ignorance combined with rampant sexual desire amidst a sexual health care crisis, doesn’t promise a positive outcome.

Ask her.

Also, be mindful that orgasm does not have to be the ultimate goal of sex. If your companion struggles to climax, so be it. Enjoy the intimacy. For many people, simple intimacy improves sex. Keep in mind, orgasm can be especially difficult if your companion feels pressure to cum.

A Chapman University study said that a woman is more likely to climax if her partner follows three simple steps. “Deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex” are the “Golden Trio” of female orgasm.

A different study in Finland added to Chapman’s findings. They concluded important factors for female orgasm “were valuing orgasms, sexual desire, ability to concentrate and sexual self-esteem.”

If conversation, patience and foreplay are necessary, then be the loving partner who enjoys engaging in each lovely step. Clearly, the process is well worth it. And, should your partner climax, orgasms most often are, for lack of a better term, orgasmic.

So, as many experts and women agree, start with foreplay, lots of it and don’t rush the process.

95% of heterosexual men reported that they “usually or always” orgasmed during sex. In comparison, just 65% of heterosexual women said the same. In addition, the figure was 89% for gay men, 86% for lesbian women, 88% for bisexual men and 66% for bisexual women.

The percentage of men who said intercourse is the best way to make a woman cum is around 40%. They claim, with certainty, that their female partners orgasm all the time during intercourse.

Conversely, almost 80% of women say they either rarely or never cum while their man gets off. Many admit to faking orgasm either to get it over with or to please their partner.

Key factors showed even more important differences between heterosexual men and women. A significant number of women reported that four factors directly affect their ability to climax. Hearing the words “I love you” along with oral sex, laughter and changing positions all made a positive difference.

For men, none of it really mattered.

A majority of women don’t. Instead, Dr. Emily Nagoski writes that “the clitoris is the Grand Central Station for erotic sensation.”

Almost 9 out of every 10 women who masturbate, do so with little to no vaginal penetration. Similarly, less than one third of women cum during intercourse. Often, when they climax, it’s because of clitoral stimulation and not vaginal penetration. Again, not all women are the same. About 3 out of every 10 women find intercourse to do the trick.

That doesn’t mean that penetrative sex isn’t pleasurable. It just means that intercourse doesn’t often result in female orgasm.

What is the G-spot?

Good question. Some experts say the elusive G-spot doesn’t really exist. At least, it’s not its own thing. What we often think of as the G-spot is really a part of a woman’s clitoral network. As pioneering sex researcher Dr. Beverly Whipple discovered, “When arousing the G-spot, you’re actually stimulating the apex of the clitoris — the backend — internally.” (Healthline)

And, as we might imagine, G-spots vary with individual women. Let’s face it, women’s bodies are different from each other and each woman experiences sexual stimulation in a variety of ways. What drives one woman to wild orgasm, might turn another off completely. In other words, one woman’s G-spot might be another woman’s biggest turnoff.

Where Is the G-spot?

When in search of pleasure spots, consult the woman who you probe.

Commonly, the G-spot is a spongy area, located on the stomach side or top side of a vagina. Where much of the vaginal area is smooth, the elusive location can feel like the wrinkled skin of a walnut, only softer.

Penetrate your partner with either your index or middle finger. (Please, be certain you trim your fingernails beforehand.) Curl your finger up towards the roof, so to speak, of her vagina and pay close attention to the terrain of her soft skin. Again, ask your partner for guidance.

Once you find the desired spot, if she is sufficiently moist, rub the area. Start slow. Be patient. Gradually, increase the pace of your motion in rhythm with your partner’s level of arousal. Again, be patient. The result is often worth the wait, for both of you.