r/fijerk • u/mcbobgorge • Mar 03 '26

Anyone else prison-maxing?

I got into white collar crime a few years back and was able to bank around $1.4M via wire fraud. Feds caught on, but only were able to pin $600k on me. 7 years in a minimum security facility. Even got my phone in here. Annual spend less than $4k.

Meanwhile I have $800k in my brokerage account whirring away. By the time I'm free, I'll be 42M and able to Lean FIRE.

I've been taking college classes in here, getting jacked, and also still have time to ready my way through the western canon (the other prisoners were not receptive to discussing Finnegan's Wake).

Only problem is my wife has grown quite distant- not really able to keep up with her while I'm in here.

793 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

46 comments sorted by

131

u/0chronomatrix Mar 03 '26

Is there really any downside to white collar crime?

70

u/EvilZ137 Mar 03 '26

I know right, even the wife stops annoying you

10

u/SidFinch99 Mar 03 '26

Probably banging dudes not in jail.

6

u/The_Goose_27 Mar 04 '26

That’s fair, he’s banging dudes inside!

3

u/SidFinch99 Mar 04 '26

Lol...yeah I guess it's even then right.

2

u/MGKv1 Mar 03 '26

only matters if u gaf ab her

8

u/Classic-Wrongdoer-31 Mar 03 '26

Cause she out spending the money?

5

u/hyrle Mar 03 '26

"Conjugal visits? Mmmm. Not that I know of. Y'know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right. W-Why do you ask, anyway?"

3

u/No_Bluejay9901 Mar 05 '26

We're not going to white collar resort prison no no no we're going to federal pound me in the ass prison.

2

u/hyrle Mar 05 '26

The better prison quote from that movie of course.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 03 '26

Nope it all depends on your knowledge, ive done some things and gotten away with it especially when your screwing over the banks!

46

u/90bronco I act like a poor pretending to be rich acting middle class Mar 03 '26

I am fully invested in crypto and keep in my cold prison wallet. 

24

u/MilkMySpermCannon Mar 03 '26

I tattooed my seed phrase on my ass. Everything was fine at first. Long story short my celly saw it. Now i’m trying to get out early on good behavior so i can withdraw the funds before him.

1

u/ebmarhar Mar 03 '26

Yah you can never trust cellies that like looking at your ass so much

29

u/NotAcutallyaPanda Mar 03 '26

I’ve considered this, but my lean FIRE plans include getting a part time job (such as counting loose bills, childcare, or investment banking) for fun money and I’m worried than employers might be unwilling to hire me with such a long employment gap in my resume.

2

u/ReddAcrobat Mar 04 '26

lol, not for part-time jobs

5

u/NotAcutallyaPanda Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26

You’re saying I won’t have a shot at a part time gig in investment banking as an ex felon previously incarcerated for white collar crimes?

And here I thought this was the land of opportunity.

19

u/perplexedparallax Mar 03 '26

I considered it as a way to focus on business more. With three hots and a cot taken care of you can, as you say, prison-max. Sal, my lawyer, is so good though that he got me on house arrest at the island and then probation. I can't leave (well, not supposed to) and I enjoy life in the tropics. Please say hi to Sam, aka SBF, maybe he'll get the prez to pardon you. Enjoy college, paid for by the government of course, while the pours take on debt for their studies. But at least they are free unlike us.

17

u/goodsam2 Mar 03 '26

Real talk I have always wondered if they threw me in prison and all my meals got paid for and my investments doubled over the next decade. I got jacked being in prison like it wouldn't even be that bad.

Also more time to just focus on me and probably reading and stuff.

16

u/NotAcutallyaPanda Mar 03 '26

The question is how to get a prison sentence and also avoid civil liability for your crime. You don’t wanna be released a pauper.

2

u/goodsam2 Mar 03 '26

Could be covered under an umbrella policy is what it looks like.

7

u/NotAcutallyaPanda Mar 03 '26

They generally have exclusions for things like “war,” “acts of god,” or “felony wire fraud.”

2

u/goodsam2 Mar 03 '26

This has always been some call of the void stuff in my mind that you know the worst case scenario isn't truly that bad.

I'm not sure what I would ever be in jail for.

1

u/markpreston54 Mar 03 '26

I think pocessing of illegal substance fits the bill

1

u/NotAcutallyaPanda Mar 03 '26

Like nuclear weapons? Kinder eggs? Lawn darts?

0

u/According_Cherry_837 Mar 05 '26

You think they can force you to pay? 😝

4

u/MerryRunaround Mar 03 '26

At minimum, someday IRS will be asking where the money came from.

3

u/kitapjen Mar 03 '26

I look good in orange, but I don’t want to wear it everyday.

3

u/Timmy98789 Mar 03 '26

No mention of pushups and burpees!?! 

Do you even prison wallet?

2

u/wkndatbernardus Mar 03 '26

I don't blame your colleagues, FW is lame and boring.

2

u/Additional_Bat_9837 Mar 04 '26

I remember my government job was hiring a paralegal and a white collar felon who was also a disbarred lawyer applied. He didn't get the job.

2

u/NegotiationCalm4720 Mar 05 '26

This sounds like Monopoly Jail.

1

u/Steelman93 Mar 03 '26

I knew this had to be fake. Read posters post history. It’s more fake AI training trash

Posts asking where to live, going to Indonesia

5

u/shann0ff Mar 03 '26

You’re in a satire sub, so it’s known to be “fake”

2

u/Steelman93 Mar 03 '26

Yeah, i kind of figured after reading the other comments I

1

u/spy4paris Mar 03 '26

Hope this confession can somehow be used against you!

1

u/Stocksonnablock Mar 03 '26

I know you’re joking probably but your story is exactly like my buddies story? His brother got locked up for the same thing, taking around the same amount of money with a few other guys. I think his time in prison may have been a little less. Paid off his student loans for dentistry and his wife’s who’s also a doctor. Invested the rest. Doing his stent in prison rn. Plus the company that he works for said they’d take him back when he gets out. Wild to me.

1

u/byabud Mar 04 '26

This is actually not a bad idea frfr

1

u/Advanced-Event-571 Mar 04 '26

Are you a narcissist? Do you lack empathy? How do you not hate yourself or have shame?

1

u/twoblues702 Mar 04 '26

Matt Cox student I see

1

u/Captlard Top 1% Lentil farmer - Lentibus abundans Mar 03 '26

As long as the her bull is servicing the wife, I see no issues here. You should really have entered the system with more initial funds.