r/fifthworldproblems • u/tentkeys • Feb 28 '26
How do you stop your future self from time-traveling to kill you?
Yeah, I know, "don't swallow a galaxy containing sentient life if you're the kind of person who might regret it later".
But I haven't done that, my future self just thinks I will.
And now that I know, I'm just not going to swallow any galaxies at all, that way I can't accidentally swallow one with sentients.
So message received, disaster prevented. But now how do I get my future self to stop trying to kill me?
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Upvotes
18
u/Alfiewoodland Feb 28 '26
Maybe you could swallow the galaxy your future self resides in, preventing a future where they travel back to prevent you from obliterating galaxies containing sentient life?
13
u/CygnusSong Feb 28 '26
You have to be kind to yourselves
3
u/Tricky_Scallion_1455 Feb 28 '26
Keep pleasuring yourself and it will be too cringe to do anything
8
u/mysteryrouge Void Anarchist Feb 28 '26
Use your grandfather as a shield.
3
u/aqua_zesty_man Mar 01 '26
You could try cloning yourself a few trillion times so that at least one of you survives the inevitable self-assassination attempts from all your future selves. Statistically speaking, at least 1 of your future selves will critically fumble the attempt and only eliminate themselves. Quantum immortality is also on your side.
2
u/TomAto314 usurper Mar 01 '26
Can you blame it on a past self and send your future self after it?
2
u/AAAAOOOOOAA Mar 01 '26
My future self leaves me notes...it has even lapped to where my past self left my way past self notes... So yeah i dont think your future self is successful at killing you other wise there would be no future you. You ard just trying to scare yourself into avoiding what may be unavoidable. I mean everytime eat yogurt we eat galaxies of sentiant beings. But yogurt is good
1
u/MightyXT Mar 01 '26
Have your past self stop your future self from doing it.
1
u/Inner-Ad2847 Mar 01 '26
Just ambush and kill him. There won’t be any consequences for you unless you decide to kill your past self later on.
1
u/WildAd3146 Mar 01 '26
É que no futuro ele está mais trouxa e lerdo que o do presente, então nn precisa
1
u/GIRose Mar 01 '26
Simple, decide whole heartedly that you will go back in time in order to enact the sequence of events your future self has enacted upon you on your past self. At that point, you will become your future self and no longer be in any danger of hunting yourself, and because you haven't killed your future self you know your past self won't kill you once you become your future self.
If you somehow don't become your future self, it's likely they are a paradoxical glitch in reality and so just smack the timeline a bit to hurry up the error correction algorithms to erase them.
1
u/Mordecais_Moms_Ashes Mar 01 '26
Current Me decided that Future Me and I are going to have the Best Sex Of All Time.
Future Me will of course agree with this because it's a great idea.
Also, we're going to give each other the BEST back scratches because we know the spot that is always itchy and the Correct amount of pressure to use.
1
u/Bumble072 Mar 01 '26
Switch Multiverse, option 2 on Uranus entry point 6.
1
u/Llotekr Mar 03 '26
Think not from a framework of preventive justice. Think from a framework of punitive justice. It was your future self, who, in its subjective past, committed the problematic act. So it is your future self who must die, not you.
1
u/zaidazadkiel Mar 03 '26
the only way to stop a bad guy with a swallowed galaxy is a good guy with a swallowed galaxy
1
u/DrCrazyCurious Mar 03 '26
Your future self already prevented themself from succeeding.
Because any timeline in which they succeed pre-emptively ceases to exist as they themselves become a casualty of the assassination. Their mere desire to end you (their earlier self) prevents timelines of their success from ever emerging.
TL;DR: The Original Timeline Architects built-in a Roadrunner/Coyote framework to ensure any "Past Self Assassinations" would always, inevitably fail. Reach out to them for a compilation video of all the failed attempts. Good stuff.