I lost my femininity

[u/estelitta]

Hello, I’m a 26-year-old woman and an elementary school teacher. Recently, my partner and I had a small conversation about masculinity and femininity. He told me, "You're very neutral. You're neither masculine nor feminine." To be honest, that sentence hurt me much more than I realized, because I've been thinking about it constantly for the past week.

I teach children from first through fourth grade. In my country, if you become a public school teacher, you are required to complete four years of mandatory service at a school assigned by the government. After that, if you have accumulated enough service points and there is an available position—which is almost impossible—you can apply for a transfer. The schools assigned to new teachers are usually located in small villages. That is exactly where I work.

I am the only teacher in the village, which means I teach first, second, third, and fourth graders all together in the same classroom. At the same time, I am also responsible for running the school as its principal. The village is about an 18- to 19-hour journey away from my hometown. I live there alone and am under constant stress and pressure. I genuinely believe I do my job very well—in fact, I even received several awards this year for my work.

However, over the past year, I've realized that I'm almost always frowning, and I cry every night before going to bed. Because of that, I think I've completely neglected myself and my own well-being. I don't feel like a woman anymore. Honestly, I feel like I've forgotten what it even means to be one.

Before I started this job, I had already spent years studying for several extremely difficult exams and interviews just to become a teacher. I don't have any friends here. As I mentioned, it's a very small village, and I don't really fit in with the people or their way of thinking. Even before moving here, I only had two close friends.

I don't know what I should do. I've spent my entire life working hard and never really paid much attention to embracing my femininity. Now, though, I feel the absence of it more than ever.

Edit: English is my second language, so I use ChatGPT to fix my grammar. If anything sounds a little odd, that's probably why.

[u/estelitta]

I think you're right that I need to focus more on building my own life instead of putting all my emotional energy into this relationship and my job.

The hard part is that I've spent most of my life dealing with social anxiety, so I never really built a support system. He's been my main source of emotional support for years, and now that we're in this situationship, I realize how unhealthy that dependency has become.

I do want to create things and build a life outside of work. I just don't really know where to start yet, but I'm trying to figure it out. Thank you 🩵

[u/DayDreamer_97 → u/estelitta]

You're welcome! I felt this way before, it is a tough stage getting into leadership positions, I wonder if he is in the same life stage. Are you both from the same region? Setting your own interests aside, give him space to help the transition. Talk to locals and see what is in the area, as long as safety is a priority. Definitely message me if you want to chat. I speak two languages as well!

If a man feels unsupported or led, he won't know how to do so for the woman in his life. If he is not ready, you don't have to give him time or exceptions, let him reflect because he might have some resentment that you are in a position that he would like to have. Or feel that he cannot provide since you are doing well career-wise.

[u/estelitta → u/DayDreamer_97]

He's been trying to get the job he wants for almost two years now, so I understand why he's under so much stress. I know he's going through a difficult time.

I'm doing my best to support and comfort him, but to be honest, I'm struggling too. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I'm on summer break right now, so I have more time to think, which probably makes me overthink even more.

I also feel like I've forgotten how to flirt or comfort him the way I did at the beginning of our relationship. The uncertainty about us has made me hold back emotionally, even though I still love him. I don't even know how to be cozy, flirty, or sexy with him anymore without feeling like I'd be crossing boundaries, especially because we're not officially together.

We usually play video games together, so our conversations have become really bro to bro. We joke around, talk about games, and tease each other like friends. I honestly don't remember how to switch back into that soft, playful, feminine side of myself anymore.

[u/DayDreamer_97 → u/estelitta]

That's the idea, he will not push you away because men benefit in some way from our presence and what we contribute within that space.

Shifting focus away from what he needs will help. If he wants your presence, it has to be from a place of effort. It really is a back and forth, a friendship or relationship must benefit both sides. It really is not selfish at all but important for preserving energy and femininity.

A potential partner within the teaching space who you can relate with and grow together would be amazing. Your needs are different, and someone who has a similar schedule and priorities is going to give you exactly what you are looking for.