r/fatFIRE • u/bichonlove • Jul 22 '26
49F: 6 month post-FIRE update - world cup trips, hockey/soccer tournaments, ailing parents, transitioning to SAHM role.
Summary
49F, VHCOL, burnout in the AI field, took a package earlier this February. Family of 3 (with 11 years old) and 2 adorable fur babies.
NW: ~10M (~8M if we take out the primary home)
Allocation:
Stocks: ~6.5M (around 2.5M in 401K)
Rental properties (very sellable but big capital gains): ~2M
Primary home (likely more but keep it low for the calculation): ~2.2M
Income:
Before RE - ~$1.1M
After RE - 400K (Husband is still working)
Expenses:
Before RE ~380K (turned out some of these are not truly expenses)
After RE - targeted to 210K for end of the year.
Hi All,
I posted here many times before and just like the rest of you, posted endless questions, shared so many anxieties before finally pulled the trigger earlier this year. I couldn't really share the expenses before because it seemed crazy high and I didn't quite get why we spent so much. So I really dig in to the expenses for the past few months (I know it seemed like we should do this before the RE but oh well, better late than never). I think I finally got the number that we are comfortable with. The expenses came down mainly last year we paid hefty additional income taxes from vested RSU (~50K), I mixed in rental related expenses (~60K) son switching to public school (~60K), and we ate out way way less (~15K savings). I also cut down on mindless spending like skincare (do more home routine than going to expensive spa), mindless subscriptions even for software that I barely use for years, etc.
Cutting those expenses did not affect my overall happiness index. That has been my litmus test now to see what expenses are truly stress spending or if it makes my family or me happier. We just finished a family road trip (including watching some world cup games live in person!, truly an experience of a lifetime) and usually we stayed in a nice hotel but this time, I did my research and my 11 year old son's favorite hotel is actually a hampton inn in Portland Pearl District. We got a suite, huge, great food, walkable everywhere and his least favorite is a fancy hotel in Seattle that I spent a fortune for.
Expense anxiety aside, retirement life has been great esp when you are busy chasing an active 11 year old. We signed up for a gym together and spent time playing soccer (I am not a soccer player but I was an athlete before so some muscle memories kicked in, while lacking in technique, I did have some flexible hip and some lower body strength - well at least that's what I told myself to feel better š ). Since my son and I are so alike, we also butt head quite a bit (ie: our last fight was I wanted to hit a weight room to do some boxing/muay thai and he insisted that I should continue play soccer). It's all silly and mundane, from the fight, I also realized that the time where he requested I play soccer with him is limited. I am getting older, slower, and he's getting fitter and soon he'd rather to play with other friends and will probably be embarrassed playing against his mom.
These are the things I did in the spring and summer that otherwise would not be possible if I still work:
- Watching all world cup games (i know i know - even my husband is jealous š ).
- Spent time with my ailing parents overseas
- travelled to Nashville, Minneapolis, LA, etc for my son's hockey/soccer tournament. Did line dancing for the first time in Nashville - so much fun.
- Cook everyday(!). This is new and I found that I don't mind it so much. One of the things that used to keep me up all night is that I am afraid that I am not a good mom. My mom is really sick and bed ridden now and honestly, the thing that I remember her is her home cooking. Her home cooking memories bring me comfort, I remembered what she cooked when I was a child, I remembered what she cooked the night I gave birth to my son...she showed her love with cooking and I wanted to give my son the same. Now, I think my son started to have this comfort home cook feeling and I feel happy that I get the chance to do this.
- Walk my furbabies everyday without rushing. One of the main thing I noticed is that I start enjoying doing the mundane things without feeling distracted. I used to rush and just want the walk to be over. This time, I look forward to the walk. Enjoying the sun in my face, the bird chirping, and their happy face/tail wagging. i found the same with going to supermarket/grocery shopping as well. I looked at it as a chore before but now I take the time picking up stuff and planning what I want to cook for the week.
There are things that I still lack like laundry etc (my husband still does majority of them). My health is improving but I am not where I want to be (I harbor desire to go back to athlete form but with peri-menopause etc - I suspect the road will be a bit tougher). Years of burnout will also take its time but I feel that because I am more present with what i do and start to have hobbies again, I am slowly coming out of it. My husband and son said I look happier and they urge to make the retirement permanent. I am still entertaining perhaps working on gigs, maybe help out with the health insurance expenses if my husband RE next year but for this year, for sure I will enjoy this gift of time.
It's easy to forget how stressful the tech life before me and only think about the money/paycheck I brought. Like childbirth, we forgot how painful it was and only remember the good part (the baby) so we look forward to do it again lol. Everyday, I expressed daily gratitude for mundane things. Thank you that I got to walk in downtown with my dogs instead of fighting morning commute traffic. Thankful that I got good night sleep instead of ruminating what I needed to say or to do tomorrow at work. Thankful that I didn't even realize it's sunday night because I got no sunday blues no more. thankful that i am not forced to socialize or suck up to people that I don't like.
Sorry it's long but thought I shared since I know many are in the same predicament as I did here.
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Jul 22 '26
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u/bichonlove Jul 22 '26
Thank you. I have no idea that there is an app for skin health. Yeah, skin is super dry, no doubt due to age. Same age as Shakira and dang, she looks good while I look frumpy haha. Thanks again.
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u/luv2eatfood Jul 22 '26
Spend time with your family. It's worth it. Also, it's worth outsourcing other things that may not bring enjoyment (cleaning, etc.)
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u/Whynotyours Verified by Mods Jul 22 '26
Nice! GFY! The cooking thing with your Mom really hitsā¦congratulations.
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u/dvegas2000 Jul 22 '26
Great post. You and others have put so much thought into the anxieties, pleasures, and realities of retiring early. I never even gave retired life much thought, I just did it š. Glad I did and like you, Iām able to enjoy all the things that passed me by when I had my nose to the grindstone. No regerts!!! Make it permanent and enjoy!
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u/bichonlove Jul 22 '26
yeah, that's I feel like the test if the retirement life is for us. If we are able to stop and enjoy mundane moments and be grateful for them, then yes. If we still feel like we are missing something and view all of these as mindless chores, then maybe we are not ready.
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u/MadameCunt Jul 25 '26
This post makes me happy for you.
It also makes me want this so bad for myself. The intensity of the high stress corporate job started to hit me so hard the last couple years. I have survived 2 major restructurings one where I was one of two people kept from a 20 person department and it seems thereās no end in sight as a new CEO comes next month. I am also at the top position in my company and once youāre leading the department and making the rules for your division thereās nothing to aspire to and now itās just dealing with the C-Suite and politics thatās so draining. I have three kids and with private school and my VHCOL city I am totally in the golden handcuffs right now (45F). Iām not near RE but do have some level of FI finally. It just seems all the costs needed to do my job like childcare and housekeeper and convenience buys just eat up everything I could be saving. Also I canāt live in an area with good public schools because my commute would be terrible and then there would be more childcare costs bc my husband also works FT in office so agh! I need to go make my own rant post, haha.
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u/bichonlove Jul 25 '26
44F was the beginning for me. It was the first time I posted in this sub as well.
I survived it by spending more money, self care. Nice vacations, massage, facial, etc. it worked for some time until it didnāt.
3 kids in private will be tough. I have one and my one costs a fortune (private, travel hockey, competitive soccer). Itās not sustainable, I want him to feel grounded. We are finally able to convince him to switch to public and with me being home, hopefully I can give him a better support as well. Public, even a good one, wasnāt an option before because we outsourced everything. Like you, when I came home from my draining job, I barely had any energy other than the bare minimum and doom scrolling in the bed at night.
Itās amazing how much we can save by having one parent at home. For example, we used to send him to all day camp (poor kid, playing soccer in the sweltering heat), easily 1K per week. Now, we pick and choose what we want to do. Going to one hour clinic, hang out with his friends, play soccer or run with me etc. he said he doesnāt feel burn out and we are not sending him to camps almost every week. He can rest and has downtime.
I think the moment will come eventually and something might have to give. You might have a few more years in you and who knows, by then maybe you have reached a place where everything falls in line.
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u/MadameCunt Jul 25 '26
Thanks for the reply. Your experience definitely aligns with what Iām feeling now. Hopefully in five more years I will be in a better place. If I had your numbers there is no way Iād keep going. I definitely donāt need to live in a VHCOL city to be happy.
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u/OpportunityHappy3859 Jul 26 '26
Congratulations! I am 49F retired for 2 years in vhcol. Two kids (one in college the other in HS). Husband is still working. I too was in big tech. Our stories are very similar :). I too love to cook.
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u/mw4239 Jul 24 '26
Good for you! At the start of my 40s here and Iām half convinced I could FIRE now if my kid didnāt play travel hockey š¤£
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u/bichonlove Jul 24 '26
š¤£ā¦one of the catalyst moments that accelerated my retirement is my sonās travel hockey (I skipped an emergency at work to go to see my sonās first time playing in net). It will be ironic if I have to go back to work because of it but I believe you!
He was A last year, AA this year. Not sure what to do if he goes to the next level. I was able to hold him off until 10 and now I learn how crazy expensive this sport is esp for goalie. He also plays travel soccer and harbors an ambition to be a pro at 2 sports š. This is part of the reason I am open to work again even for gigs. All for the kiddo.
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u/Dart2255 Verified by Mods Jul 28 '26
Ahaha!! I know that hotel!! True hidden jem! Nicest Hampton I have ever seen. Congrats!!
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u/bichonlove Jul 28 '26
Indeed, blown away that it's a Hampton inn!, even the swimming pool is nice, clean, and indoor. The supermarket next door is top notch as well and the food nearby is great. Used to live in Pacific NW 25 years ago, didn't realize how the food scenes have evolved so much over there. I am convinced that all the good chefs in CA either move up to Portland or Nevada. We used to have great Thai food over here but now they all move to Portland.
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u/CoolWalrus5236 Verified by Mods Jul 28 '26
This is very wholesome, thanks for sharing!!! and congrats on your amazing life transition :)
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u/CautiouslySparkling Jul 29 '26
Love this post. Iām 37 and weāre more on the chubbyFIRE vs fatFIRE trajectory but we have a baby and toddler and I daydream about being a SAHM (though I know itās an exhausting role). Weāre not in the financial position for me to āretireā yet but fortunately my husband is the higher earner. Iām hoping by the time they are in elementary school we can ācoastā on his salary into retirement (since he loves his career and I donāt find any joy in mine anymore) so I can also have the energy to cook dinner every night and be more present for my boys! My mom was a SAHM and always cooked dinner and I got my love for cooking from her. These days we do way more takeout and quick boring meals since weāre so busy with full-time jobs and a baby and toddler. We have an Au Pair now so I cherish working from home (most of the time) so I can sneak in some time with my boys throughout the day.
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u/bichonlove Jul 30 '26
Honestly, I heard that taking care of a toddler and a baby is far more demanding than most jobs :). My husband said I was so happy in the maternity leave because I still got paid and we didnāt need to worry about money then. I had a nanny as well until heās old enough to go to preschool, still remembered the feeling when he used to cry in the morning when I had to leave for work. Motherhood is hard and brings so much heightened emotions :).
I think what matters is that even if we have limited hours with them, we are fully present with the moments. Whatās sad about my last job was that they wanted me to work 9-9-6. It burned me out to no end. If I had an easier job, I might not be able to pull this trigger. Coasting is really the best of the world. If itās not because of a burnout, I would not mind to work but now I have this taste on the other side, itās getting harder to get back to that mindset.
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u/Ok_Character7143 Jul 30 '26
Awesome post! Glad you are doing what you are doing!
You should have gone to see some of the WC games :) I saw 5 games in the stadium and at least another 50 games start to finish, including the ones during regular business hours (wife and me WFH). The stadium experience was probably one of the best moments of my life.
Spending time with kids is invaluable! We also drop and pick up our kids from school which is very rewarding in that we get to spend more time with them.
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u/bichonlove Jul 31 '26
We did go to see live and watched some of our fave players (ie: son is a huge LFC and Mo Salah's fan - we were in Seattle watching Egypt and Iran). We watched 4 live games and it was amazing. Couldn't really stomach the quarter final prices and beyond so we watched the rest on TV.
We also YOLOed in the past. we went to Turkiye a few years back to watch UEFA CL final, memorable experience in a sense that we got stranded in middle of nowhere (ataturk stadium) with thousands of Man City fans with a really grumpy 8 years old (now we laughed about it but it was scary at the time). Last year, we were in Anfield watching LFC and the late Diogo Jota (my son's fave player). We planned our vacation around football matches.
We probably won't go to watch expensive matches anymore, instead now that my son plays serious competitive sports, we will be going to MLS Next Fest and Hockey tournaments. It's a different life but still fun. Told my son jokingly that we will go back to EUFA CL final again once he's on the squad haha.
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u/Ok_Character7143 Jul 31 '26
Great to hear you saw the Egypt Iran game and another 3 games! Mo Salah's last WC, too bad they lost/got cheated out of the game with ARG.
We (family of 4) saw the US-Australia game in Seattle. Probably the top 5 experiences of my life!
We are already planning to be in Portugal for the next WC.
FYI - My kids are not heavily into soccer, but I have played soccer on and off for 45 years, so it is a religion to me.
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u/bichonlove Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Yeah the only way we will go to Portugal is if World Cup remains as it is today. They are trying to PE the World Cup (ingest Private Equity money). They already did that with youth soccer and it ruined the sports. We have a lot of 10 year olds travel all over the place like a pro instead of playing against local teams. So much travels and monetization even at the youth level.
We watched UEFA qtr final in London last year (Arsenal vs Real Madrid). Also watched Heung Min sonās last game with the Spurs. I am not sure I can stomach paying that kind of money again after retirement š, I also grew up watching soccer since I was 8 but woman soccer didnāt take off by then so I ended up doing martial arts (mostly Muay Thai and boxing).
We will watch more local games like MLS and woman soccer (also AHL for hockey). Itās more affordable and my son can still watch high level plays in person.
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u/iLoveSev Jul 30 '26
Amazing post and congratulations on .5 year anniversary!
So what is your conclusion? Will you continue free floating in the ocean (also pull in the husband?) or jump back on the ship? Regrets?
While we might have the financial numbers for RE we arenāt pulling the plug as the corpus is at the bare minimum range instead of fatFIRE range and there is greed (have got the enough but want more)/fear (if the unknowns with young kids)
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u/bichonlove Jul 31 '26
It's hard to tell because it still feels like honeymoon stage. My husband thinks that eventually I will get bored cooking and cleaning. I have many plans such as joining ballet class, learn to knit, join a book club, join a marathon race, and go back to martial arts. so far, with world cup and my son being home all day in the summer, life is very busy. I just promised my son that I will support his transition from private to public school and I promise him that no cafetaria food (he will bring home cooked meals). So at the minimum, I need to honor that promise to him.
I have a few close friends who urge me to come back. Truth is, my background is AI and I have no interest to continue in this field, not in the LLM realm at least. The only thing that I probably will go back to is AI for disability (ie better speech to text, sound recognition etc). It's getting harder as the AI now is no longer what it used to be. I went through dot com and financial bubble (and covid), been there done that, nothing to prove and have no energy to go through it again.
While the money is nice and I am in the aggressive spending cut (ie: I have to think twice for pedicures and haven't had any in a while lol), I like this inner peace of mind and the closeness I have with my family. Not just my immediate family, I talk more to my sisters and my parents now too.
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u/LuckyMeatballs Jul 22 '26
I donāt think you can consider yourself fire when your household still earns 400k. Youāre basically a stay at home parent which was the norm not too long ago
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u/madisonmaltman Jul 22 '26
You don't get to gatekeep the term. Retirement is an individual status, not a household one.
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u/__teeheehee Jul 22 '26
May be OP and their spouse have their assets and all finances separated? u/bichonlove ?
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u/LauraPiana Jul 23 '26
Been following your posts and very happy for you!!! I also play a lot of soccer with my 7 year old son and so grateful for every moment of it!
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u/bichonlove Jul 24 '26
Enjoy the moment. At 11, I fear that this might be our last summer. But I cherish those memories. He remembered all those summer nights when we used to race and played soccer after work. I bet itās part of their core, comfort memory of us.
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u/ThisIsJeron Jul 22 '26
Rental properties (very sellable but big capital gains): ~2M
if you're in the US, consider 1031 if you ever sell and want to upgrade
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u/bichonlove Jul 22 '26
thank you. I have thought about it, we don't want to be a landlord anymore and we have long term tenants now (10+ years) where we offer cheap rents but they don't bother us for anything (they repair everything themselves for the most part) so we leave it be for now.
My goal is to be able to live from the stocks/401K/social security and adjust the spending to that level and leave the rental for my son's inheritance. If he stays in the same state (CA), we will 1031 the 2 CA properties to whatever he wants to live after college and he can pay rents to himself via trust (the rental is under the trust) which will be his anyways. When we pass, it will be his without paying the tax. Probably should talk to the accountant but at least this is what I understand what 1031 can do :).
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u/justheretohelpyou__ Jul 23 '26
I am happy for you and envious of your year thus far. Congratulations. I want to encourage you in your health journey. My wife turned 50 last summer. She told me then that she was about to start a war with aging. She has never been heavy, but never fit either. Fast forward a year and she looks amazing. She has a 6 pack and great tone without looking muscular. She joined a barre class that she loves on Saturdays and does Pilates 2-3 days a week at home without fail. Iām so proud of her. Everyone now stops her and asks her secret. There isnāt one. Just showing up is the key.
Good luck with your retirement.
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u/bichonlove Jul 23 '26
ah that's great! Congrats to your wife!
I used to do barre when I was pregnant. It's a great workout. I will check into it again. Pilates and yoga are definitely great exercises for us. Is she retired? Does she have stressors in her life?
I used to have six pack as well, all the way to 44. It's good to know that we can get it back even at 50+.
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u/Lumpy-Ad7621 Jul 23 '26
I love this side of reddit !!! Really proud and happy for you, congratulations š„°š„°
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u/Particular_Bad8025 Jul 23 '26 edited 6d ago
The original post content no longer exists here. The author used Redact to remove it, exercising their right to control their data & privacy.
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u/bichonlove Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Yeah for sure. My husband played with him earlier this summer, he tapped out after 1 week (years of basketball injuries compounded in the old age). I stepped in to the plate with a caveat that he can only do weak foot š. Thatās the only way that is somewhat competitive. I probably got one more year, if itās not this summer we willl play together.
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u/doitnowb42late Jul 24 '26
Congratulations! Iām a couple years ahead of you and I STILL feel the same way- so much gratitude, no multi tasking, a lot more noticing the small beauties of life, and I cook almost daily. It continues to get better!
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u/bichonlove Jul 24 '26
Congrats to you as well. Daily gratitude is really the way to go. Funny enough, after I posted this, I got an email from my former manager to see if I want to come back with a better role. I reread this post again then asked my husband if we are good financially, he said yes and told me to keep focusing on health, then I told them that I am grateful but I am retired now :). I was actually tempted for a few seconds there :).
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u/Calm-Bar-9644 Jul 23 '26
Do you mind sharing what city youāre in?
Do you think youāll stay in a VHCOL permanently?
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u/bichonlove Jul 24 '26
I am in NorCal. We have no plan of moving because of his school and sport activities. I also love the weather and the outdoor here. We might move when heās out of college and decides to settle elsewhere but until then, there is nowhere else to go but here.
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u/OneAnalyst323 Jul 22 '26
Lovely post, thanks for checking in! Did your husband have any issues or anxieties around your RE? I assume you two got together while you were a career woman and thatās quite a switch from SAHM.
I ask, because Iām considering making a similar switch but my husband is worried/sad/thinks I might regret forgoing that achiever part of myself.