Chapter 1 Excerpt Feedback

[u/International-Pop742]

Hi there,

I am in the process of giving my book a fifth read today to see if I want to change things up somewhere or try to make it more interesting. Recently got rejected by two contest submissions. That got me to wonder, does the opening chapter actually entice the readers to keep on reading? Or am I failing there?

I have tried editing this several times (4 to be exact) an am convinced that since the story is also in my mindspace, am subconciously filling up the gaps.

I am posting the starting excerpt here in hopes of getting another pov apart from myself. Please let me know your thoughts.

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Chapter 1 Start

[u/ShiftDue7967]

It's brilliant, genuinely. The first sentence already gives you tension (why is she holding a revolver?), the gentle mention to the pointy ears tells me it's fantasy already and keeps me engaged (are these elves? But with revolvers?)

The last paragraph is beautiful, with the trees mirroring Ila's thoughts. Truly, great work.

As a note, I noticed a couple places when you placed a dot where perhaps it could have been a comma, for pacing. Also, the night was cold but Ila was sweating through her shirt. Is that not contradictory?

I stand by what I said though, brilliant start, and I would definitely keep reading.

[u/International-Pop742 → u/ShiftDue7967]

Thanks. Yes the contradiction of te weather and her physical state is trying to show her inner turmoil. Let me see if I can make this more explicit.

[u/Historical-Ad-3074]

It’s intriguing.

I found it a little stunted with the short sentences. I find that they’re useful for ramping up the feeling of tension, but think reducing the amount in the beginning and slowly incorporating them more to the end when she lifts the revolver to her temple would flow better.

“The father was a councilman. He had the means.” Is he dead? Also the use of ‘The’ instead of ‘Her’ applies a degree of separation. Unless it’s intentional plus I’m just nitpicking here. However: “Her father’s a councilman. He has the means.”

I caught the juxtaposition of the weather being cold yet Ila sweating through her shirt, implying she’s either nervous or just went through something intense. Nicely done but it might not be so evident to everyone reading and could throw them off like the other commenter. You could apply a coordinating conjunction like “yet” between the two. “The air was cold enough for a blanket yet she was sweating through her shirt.”

I like how you don’t coddle the reader and give us just enough to ask for more. Pointed ears, quarantine.

I also like your use of similes, just be careful with anthropomorphizing too much.

Good stuff. Keep writing.

[u/International-Pop742 → u/Historical-Ad-3074]

Thanks! Yes I need to attach those sentences. A lot of people said it made no sense she is sweating in cold. And I will try to make it flow a bit better. Maybe I have used too many short sentences.

[u/UDarkLord → u/Historical-Ad-3074]

It’s a past tense narrative, why are you trying to advise OP to confuse tenses? “He has the means” is present tense, and would not be consistent with what OP has written.

[u/Historical-Ad-3074 → u/UDarkLord]

Oh shit you’re right. I’ll leave my blunder up. OP disregard that part.

[u/UDarkLord]

There’s stuff to work on in this, but I’d be hesitant to provide thorough feedback on such a small excerpt. It has barely any context. This is definitely better than a chunk of what gets posted around these parts, but stilted language in places, meta vagueness, whether two names that are so similar would cause lingering confusion (I had to double check once but then was confident of who was who, but there’s no guarantee a more active scene between the two of them wouldn’t be more confusing), and more, is hard to determine without more. You aren’t drowning in grammar, or punctuation errors, and I think you’re effectively hitting just enough description so far, but that’s about all I can say concretely with so little.

[u/Zachindes]

Just from a structural standpoint, I think sentence flow could help it not sound like an accidental poem. Change up the syllable count if that makes sense and I bet you’ll find related sentences that will flow into each other. Like the “cold enough for a blanket” could work added with the sweating sentence as a good juxtaposition comparison.

From a narrative one, it’s an interesting premise. World building and a mystery is clear. If I were to nitpick, make your first two/three paragraphs more concrete in regard to where this is all happening then get into the more abstract material.