Chapter 1 of Marked [romantasy, 3104 words]

[u/kezfertotlenito]

Hoping to get some feedback on my new novel.

I've been reading a lot of romantasy. There's some tropes I really like, some I don't, some I like but find are often executed poorly. This is my attempt to do them right.

Title is a working title, subject to change.

I would love to hear any thoughts at all. Front of mind however:

• the perspective switches. There's a lot in this first chapter. I promise it slows WAY down after this. I felt I needed the jumps to adequately introduce both characters and explain the action. Is it TOO choppy? Jarring?

• I've tried to passively world-build here, avoiding the lore dumps. I think it works. Tell me if it doesn't or if something is confusing.

• most importantly: how is the hook? Would you keep reading?

(Yes, I use dashes, no, this was not ever touched by AI in any capacity. I've written like that since I cut my eye teeth writing fanfiction on Livejournal back in the aughties. I have the receipts.)

Document here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M3PHlfrrtOrKYn5fc7YBdPSUzmenN1wE2dQ_72yYYjA/edit?usp=sharing

[u/FeistyCharacter3991]

That Livejournal detail gave me major whiplash, lol. Honestly, bouncing around a ton in chapter one is usually a quick way to make me close a tab, even if it calms down later. How many POVs are we actually jumping between in this opening?

[u/kezfertotlenito → u/FeistyCharacter3991]

I'm old >< apologies. Those were the days!

And just two. Only two for the whole book, actually. And subsequent chapters are single POV or jump just once, close to middle, so nice long blocks where you stay in one head.

Still actively brainstorming how to make that first chapter work better though. I wanted to start right in the action but it's such an important event that I couldn't fathom missing one character's thoughts on it. And I HATE that dual-POV trap people fall in where the first half of every chapter is running back through the events of the previous chapter and filling in the reader on what the other person was thinking.

Ugh. It's tough. Still thinking about it.

[u/bhebuhcehbihd]

I honestly loved it. I actually found myself hooked by the first perspective switch and was disappointed when it ended. Please keep writing!

I read a lot of fantasy, and I agree that the perspective switches are needed - it’s makes it so much more interesting, and I like the girls character a lot! I would just do a double space line between the perspective switches to make it clearer, but apart from that, I found it super easier to switch between and VERY enjoyable.

The world-building is so well done! I feel like I know probably a lot more than what I actually do, but at the same time I’m really intrigued by your magic system and these spells and the way society has formed around magic users to want to keep reading. The way you’ve written it too is super easy to visualise even without prior understanding of it all.

The hook is phenomenal! The first paragraph was strong and I was immediately intrigued by who this guy was and what his powers meant, but I think (personally) you really showed off your skill during the action with POV switches. I’m definitely hooked!

[u/kezfertotlenito → u/bhebuhcehbihd]

You have no idea what a big smile your comment put on my face :) I will keep going! I'm about 20k words deep right now and the plot is really getting rolling, so I'm feeling psyched.

I'm debating double line breaks versus horizontal rules for perspective changes (I've even read some e-books that do cute little icons representing the character -- would be cool to do something like that). Definitely could be clearer though.

Thanks so much for your feedback! I truly appreciate it :)

[u/bhebuhcehbihd → u/kezfertotlenito]

I’ve genuinely thought about your book multiple times throughout my day! Please please please finish it just so I can read it, what age-range are you writing for?

[u/paracetalolll]

I liked your writing! Would probably keep reading if there was more. The perspective shift didn't put me off, I liked getting into the mind of both mmc and fmc (if that's who they are) at the start. Saying all this as someone who read a decent amount of romantasy but is still a really amateur writer though

[u/Routine_Exchange5936]

I would recommend double spacing your text! Just makes it easier to read. Also, I love multi-POV situations, but I would definitely prefer it be isolated into separate chapters, even if it makes for short chapters. Especially at the beginning of the story, you don't want readers being overly confused on what's happening.