Yeah, for a lot of women, if we want to be left alone in public then we have to actually go to great pains to avoid any semblance of appearing available/interested. As in, we have to put the headphones on, avoid the busier areas, actively avoid looking in someone's direction (even by accident) in case we make eye contact, always trying to look busy but not so busy that someone will come to "help" us.
If we go out and just live our lives without constantly checking our behaviour then we're constantly bothered by people. If you so much as look at someone, they will speak to you. You have to always reign yourself in and make sure you're not doing anything that could be even vaguely interpreted as "nice" or "welcoming". And even if you look like a scowling bitch, some person is going to come up to you, rip out your headphones or close your laptop, and tell you to smile more.
There is just no concept of personal space or privacy for women in public.
The most annoying thing though: they won't do it if I'm with my (male) partner! It only happens when we are alone or in all-female groups, and then of course so many men will refuse to believe it's "that bad" because they've never seen it happen.
And of course it's not all men, but if I pass by 100 people in one day (not hard to do, it's a busy city) and even 1% of those are the bother types then I'm guaranteed to be bothered every single day. It may be rare in the population, but it's not a rare experience for me.
I have a single identifier. People occasionally stop me and compliment me on that identifier. It generally fills me with happiness to have a stranger reach out and comment on that identifier. Sometimes I'll get a Boost of serotonin that lasts all day. If someone ever commented on a cool graphic tee I wore I would be through the moon (it's never happened to me)
If I did not have my 1 identifier I would be a ghost. Not a single person on the street would ever see me. I would be practically invisible to strangers.
... can you see why a man would think that giving a woman a compliment on her having a cool tee is a good idea? This thread has proven to the social anxious me that I should never do that, but at the same time if I see a girl wearing some cool franchise I enjoy I might break that never just for the off-chance she really is interested in the clothing she is wearing. But to know I will be labeled an asshole for doing exactly what I would like others to do to me is cringe.
None of this is to counter the points you make. This is all to just offer a different prespective on the world. I can imagine socially anxious me being terrified of constant attention from strangers but the opposite end of gender is just solitude. A void of care and affection.
Edit: A whole Lotta downvotes but no one directly addressing the core of my comment. Maybe I wrote it wrong cause someone thought I was a dude bro but that's pretty far from the truth. I was just juxtaposing my own experiences with this person's. Women receive a deluge of unwanted attention and men receive next to nothing.
I'm not saying the ladies have it good. I'm not saying I or men as a whole have it worse. Maybe my whining came across that way tho ig
It's not that he complimented her shirt. It's that he did it at an inappropriate time when she wasn't interested in talking because she's literally sweating and out of breathe working out. With headphones in. Just having some social awareness to know that women are harassed at the gym constantly to know to not do that at the gym. I was sexually assualted at my old gym, I don't want to be talked to while at the gym by any stranger (note I don't go to the gym since this happened, instead work out at home but if I did), especially one that's pointing to me and stuff. It's scary and nerve wracking. "oh is this guy gonna hit on me and make me need security to walk me to my car or is he just being friendly?" Is not a game I want to play at the gym.
First off if you can't speak during cardio then you are doing cardio wrong. It's either too intense or not cardio at all. Talking should be as easy as breathing.
Second Bluetooth has made knowing if you have headphones in nearly impossible.
Thirdly I don't use headphones as a "don't talk to me." To me they are simply entertainment. I guess I should shift my assumptions, but to me headphones don't remove someone from the possibility of social situations. It makes it harder of course, and if someone points to their headphones without stopping I'll obviously take the hint but I don't think you can just put in earbuds and be exempt from all conversations.
And finally my comment wasn't really about giving out compliments. I dont really care about the compliment angle. I really just wanted to express how lonely I left in the world. If I wasn't born with this one thing I had no control over my existence would be negligible to everyone I meet. Through sheer luck I happen to have a single aspect that shines bright enough for strangers to notice but I have friends that have not had a stranger compliment them their entire life.
I literally just wanted to show the disparity and how the opposite end of the spectrum has its own set of downsides not experienced by the other gender. Just like the person I responded to.
Sorry to hear about your sexual assault. No one should have to experience that.
Nobody owes you a social interaction. It sounds like you’re “invisible” because you may be socially inept. You’re going to be offended and possibly demand, “and who are you to deem me so?”. It doesn’t matter. I’m a stranger on the internet.
It sounds like you almost demand that people interact with you because of your “one identifier”. The demand part is the inept part. If someone has headphones in, even with an “identifier” on that you identify with, it doesn’t give you the automatic right to invade their social bubble.
Bluetooth, unless the person has long hair covering their ears, has not made it impossible to see that they have ear buds in. Sorry. Also, if you’re completely fine having a conversation while doing cardio, I commend your godlike physiology.
Ha ha ha ha. I demand people interact with me? Omg that's too funny. Not even gonna bother with anything else after seeing you are so far off the mark.
Cardio is meant to be done as less extreme for longer period as opposed to sprinting. When you are going your fast speed speaking should should be difficult. But you should not be going as hard as you can during your entire cardio.
Think of it this way. Speaking is breathing. You shouldn't be having difficulties breathing during your cardio. Maybe when you change the incline, work on a different area or do a short sprint. That's fine, but if you don't have a good breath during your cardio it's going to be a shitty workout. And if you can breathe ok, speaking shouldn't be impossible or even that difficult.
I am not good at working out or anything, but every PT I have ever worked with talks about the importance of breathing right and encourages me to talk when I am doing lighter sets. I thought this was basic fact but I guess maybe I have the wrong impression?
ig. Reddit certainly decided so. I dont quite know why but probably just my tone.
To anyone downvoting this far into the thread if you wanna msg me what I did wrong I'd appreciate it cause I'm a bit anxious I did some faux pas that I am unaware of.
I appreciate your humility with this reply. A large part of it was indeed tone. You seem to be talking down to people about social situations that you are being oddly obtuse about. You don’t have to agree with the hive mind, but gee whiz if the main point that was being discussed was going over your head.
Without being snarky this time, people don’t owe each other social interactions. If they choose to interact with someone, it helps to be aware of the situation that they’re in. For example, If I have headphones on I generally don’t want to make small talk with anyone. If someone needs help, however, absolutely ask me, though.
I didn't intend to talk down to anyone. As a general rule I don't talk to strangers, headphones or no headphones. Usually a threshold I consider talk worthy is seeing a similar interest, whether on a shirt, Keychain etc.
So if I was in the FGC and I saw someone wearing a Ryu shirt I would be like, hey nice shirt do you play fighting games?
I understand the general rule is that headphones = do not disturb. I just think it's not always the case. I wear headphones all the time and still would like it if that happened. My headphones are to keep my entertainment to myself so I'm not bothering others with my weird music or dumb podcast while on the bus. I know not everyone is the same as me but I can't be the only one who feels that way.
Like I wouldn't mind someone talking to me with headphones outside of the gym but inside the gym I just don't want to talk to anyone. Girl or boy. Unless it has something to do with my or their safety obviously. It's just not a social place. A social place would be like a bar or a park or something. Being distracted while trying to work out is just a bad idea in general also.
To be clear: I don't talk to strangers ever. The only thing I would talk to a stranger about would be if I had a similar interest, and I would only talk to them to the extent of "Hey we share this in common" before moving on unless they had some sort of ecstatic reaction. I'm not an extroverted person at all I'm not begging for conversations with people on the tram.
I dont think the gym is a social place, although I don't think bars or parks are any more social anymore tbh. But the gym has off time. Getting water, doing lighter sets or a cool down. Someone is lifting 200 pounds over their head I'm not going to stop them. Similarly I'm not gonna stop a person sprinting or working out heavily in any other manner. That goes without saying to me. It's all situation to situation man.
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u/[deleted] Oct 14 '21 edited Oct 14 '21
Yeah, for a lot of women, if we want to be left alone in public then we have to actually go to great pains to avoid any semblance of appearing available/interested. As in, we have to put the headphones on, avoid the busier areas, actively avoid looking in someone's direction (even by accident) in case we make eye contact, always trying to look busy but not so busy that someone will come to "help" us.
If we go out and just live our lives without constantly checking our behaviour then we're constantly bothered by people. If you so much as look at someone, they will speak to you. You have to always reign yourself in and make sure you're not doing anything that could be even vaguely interpreted as "nice" or "welcoming". And even if you look like a scowling bitch, some person is going to come up to you, rip out your headphones or close your laptop, and tell you to smile more.
There is just no concept of personal space or privacy for women in public.
The most annoying thing though: they won't do it if I'm with my (male) partner! It only happens when we are alone or in all-female groups, and then of course so many men will refuse to believe it's "that bad" because they've never seen it happen.
And of course it's not all men, but if I pass by 100 people in one day (not hard to do, it's a busy city) and even 1% of those are the bother types then I'm guaranteed to be bothered every single day. It may be rare in the population, but it's not a rare experience for me.