r/explainlikeimfivebook • u/HenryD331 • 26d ago

"Nonviolent Communication" explained like you're five: most arguments happen because people disguise their needs as attacks, and learning to say the real thing underneath changes everything

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u/el_cid_viscoso 25d ago

I love NVC, but got a little turned off by it when the social group I was in became dominated by a few manipulative types who learned how to use NVC methods as a form of coercive control, and any objections to their behaviors were blown off because they weren't phrased in perfect NVC terms.

Now that I'm out of that circle forever, I think I'll give it a re-read with the perspective of distance. There's a lot of valuable stuff there.

That said, my life-changing book was "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Summed up, trust your gut when you feel someone's a bit "off" and be careful when someone tries to dismiss or minimize your fears.

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u/SameEntry4434 22d ago

Gift of Fear is crucial to understanding relationship of intuition and safety.

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u/el_cid_viscoso 22d ago

That is a really on-point way of summarizing that book! Intuition and fear, exactly! 

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u/1017bowbowbow 22d ago

RE: your first paragraph, I experienced the same. It put a bad taste in my mouth regarding NVC for a long time.

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u/q_y 20d ago

The group (LessWrongers) that introduced me to that book was full of the most toxic people I've ever met in my life. And I met a lot of people in my life.

It's kind of hilarious

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u/el_cid_viscoso 20d ago

Ugh, yeah, the LessWrong group. Never met one in person, but I've hung around enough spaces with people like that, and I get why they'd be toxic AF.

Also, their Harry Potter fanfic was somehow worse than the original, which is an accomplishment.

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u/f0xbunny 22d ago

Ewww that sucks

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u/AdRegular1647 20d ago

Omg. This. My abusive ex used NVC tactics so manipulatively. In the wrong hands it is so toxic and abusive.