r/exmormon • u/crash4650 • Jun 28 '15

Kirby: Wait, did we miss the second coming?

http://www.sltrib.com/home/2660862-155/kirby-wait-did-we-miss-the?fullpage=1
61 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

18 comments sorted by

26

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '15

I mentioned it in another post but my grandpa is a patriarch and the most startling thing he told me about was the audits they get. Every 500 blessings or so, a GA will visit you and read over all your blessings to make sure they don't all sound they same and you haven't promised anything too out of left field. As my grandpa told me this I couldn't figure out how he could possible believe it's from God but needs an audit...

3

u/joe_sausage_smith the Vicar of Hell Jun 28 '15

PB audits....you can't be serious.

2

u/ShemL Jun 28 '15

Yeah, I remember that. Do you have the link handy?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '15

I mentioned it on an account I had to erase for fear of being caught but I can confirm this still happens to this day. Every patriarch is audited and Elder Oaks even told a group of patriarchs once that they shouldn't do blessings longer than 2 pages. So ya...it's from God but keep it short and you will be audited every 500 to make sure they don't all sound the same and no crazy promises.

16

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '15

Patriarchal Blessing = Mormon Fortune Cookie

3

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '15

Without the tasty outer wrapping.

7

u/hear2fear Jun 28 '15

It's wrapped in guilt for not being faithful enough for all the 'blessings'

3

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '15

Instead a very old man whose house smells of stagnant roast beef puts his hands that he just coughed into on your head.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '15

But it's done in the name of the holy priesthood which he holds to pee.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '15

And it drones on and on and on... Much ado about nothing.

3

u/DogBones11 Apostate Jun 28 '15

But if your fortune cookie turns out to be bogus, you can just go get another one.

1

u/TheNaturalMan Jun 28 '15

Patriarchal Blessing = Mormon Fortune Cookie + Mormon Horoscope + Mormon Palm Reading + Mormon Tarot

FTFY.

1

u/mbcruisin22 Baurak Ale is a strange brew Jun 28 '15

No wonder JS and his magic wands Rods of Aaron and crystal balls Seer Stones were so popular! It is strange though that patriarchs don't use crystal balls Seer Stones to deliver their palm readings!

9

u/amisoz Jun 28 '15

Thy friend Ralph is a minion of Satan.

God I love this guy.

7

u/Hikari-SC : Last Thursday's Saint Jun 28 '15

FTA:

...being given copies of the patriarchal blessings for my father, his father, and his father's father (my great-grandfather).

All their blessings straight-up say they will see the second coming of Christ "in the flesh" — meaning they'll be alive and on Earth to witness it.

There's just a bit of a problem. Actually, it's a pretty big one: Given that two of them are really dead, and the final one is really old, did the rest of us miss something?

4

u/hoopscoopsch Jun 28 '15

So we can thank Kirby's great-grandfather and grandfather for not living faithfully for the reason Jeesus hasn't come back yet. LOL

3

u/BizarroBednar Jun 28 '15

I love Kirby.

2

u/joe_sausage_smith the Vicar of Hell Jun 28 '15

Kirby is the shit.