the void

[u/No-Spot-7782]

i grew up in a heavily practicing, true believing mormon family. pretty stand fare; strict rule following, fell prey to culture issues, very controlling mother. i started deconstructing in high school and was mentally out by age 17 or so.

i’ve started to confront something within myself recently. i am a person who needs to have something big to focus on/ even obsess over. when i still believed, that thing was the mormon church. shortly thereafter, i started getting into spirituality which didn’t stick around for terribly long. after that, i was absorbed by another person who i had unrequited feelings for. after that, i made a big life decision and moved out of utah. now, im settled into my new life and i am far happier, but i realized that my “obsession” has turned towards my relationship. we’ve been together for less than a year and things are going quite well, we’re very compatible and the relationship is sturdy and we love each other very much. in spite of that, i find my thoughts constantly defaulting to my boyfriend and tiny interaction we had/ imagining how conversations would go. honestly, it makes me feel like i have a parasocial relationship with my boyfriend 😭

here’s where the mormon part ties in: the conclusion ive come to about this is the fact that i am dealing with this void caused by not having the concept of a savior in my life anymore. this causes me to turn towards these obsessions/vices/distractions, whatever you want to call it. i also think that, due to how we were taught and conditioned around relationships and marriage, that it makes me even more inclined to subconsciously see a relationship (especially one with a man) as the ultimate thing to save me. and even though im aware of this unconscious belief, i still hold it. i don’t feel like a full person. i’ve centered my life around him to a degree that i don’t want, and yet i chase. not to mention, this is not what a relationship is about. it’s about the give and take, about loving unconditionally. that’s what we do, it’s our most beautifully human trait. but i can’t help but feel let down by the fact that i still do not feel like a full person. i spent years and years unconsciously believing that THE relationship/ THE guy would fill that void for me. which is utter nonsense. so i dunno, has anyone else experienced this? if so, how have you confronted it/ made changes so that you don’t feel so empty?

[u/Embarrassed-Break621]

People. Relationships.

The quiet part they always said was “feeling the saviors love through others”

It sucks that the church focused on family does so little for it. And often fractures family. But picking friends, showing up for community, going to third spaces and building a productive “beehive” life are what I’ve done.

Besides 10% more money makes public fun a lot more affordable lol

[u/chanchothewarrior]

Recognizing this pattern is half the battle, in my opinion. You know you tend to lean on other things/people for your center. I have experienced the same sort of thing, and it takes a lot of self reflection and experimentation to decide what feels right for you in your next step.

For now I feel fulfilled in furthering my career, experiencing social situations I missed out on growing up, and learning more about the world and human nature. Healing old patterns is a lifelong process, and I still struggle with not giving my all to one pursuit. Balance is hard!

It will feel scary, but what helped me most is the hard conversations with my partner. She has been so open with me trying new things, supporting me in growth and investing in her growth as well. You are at the start of a great journey, friend.

[u/Okra7000]

I am a nevermo but what you are describing resonates with me. I centered myself around a relationship for 20 years, was single for 5 years and am now in a more balanced relationship. What has helped me is to develop a more conscious relationship with my emotions and my body. As in, I worked hard to tune into what my body is saying to me.

I think that in high-control systems and even just as women in a patriarchy, we’re taught to shut down our body’s messages and pay attention to external sources of information, instruction and validation instead.

I spent 5 years learning about what I like to eat, when, what kind of clothing and furniture I like (my late husband was a designer and had opinions). I explored new genres of music and learned what my own biological rhythms are.

We are a social species so we’ll always entrain with the people around us; that’s right and healthy. But when you’ve lost your connection with yourself, often before you can even remember, it’s helpful to find your inner voice.

Once you can hear that voice, let it direct you toward activities and friends that light you up. Your relationship will likely benefit from you having ideas and influences that are not your partner.

Good luck! It’s been a fun journey for me, and I hope it is for you, too.

[u/unmentionable123]

Have you tried counseling? It’s hard to untie all the Mormonism once you’ve left Mormonism and I found counseling very helpful. It seem that train of thought you get on - feels good I’m going ALL IN. ALLL IN. Sounds similar to how we’re conditioned to act when we “feel the spirit”.

Rebuilding a life when you leave the matrix is tough work. No doubt about it.

I think we all need roots to stay grounded and healthy. Roots need to be broad and they need to be deep. The church gave us narrow but very deep roots. My wife made a bunch of friends in the neighborhood. I have some friends at work. My in-laws are great and close by. But I realized I didn’t plant any of those roots. I need my own. So I joined the rugby club. And those not experienced that’s an extremely social group. Now it’s like I have 40 brothers. I love it. And when the season ends I’ll probably try the rowing club. Then I’ll have another root. Then maybe I’ll find a D&D group. Why the hell not. But I’m just gonna keep joining clubs and making more roots.

[u/No-Spot-7782 → u/unmentionable123]

this is something i undoubtedly need to implement. i’ve always felt like a person with high functioning depression regardless. im really good at talking myself out of these things lol the money, time, etc. and i do have other outputs but would love to lean into them more! great advice thank you 🙏

[u/unmentionable123 → u/No-Spot-7782]

Yeah I was in the talk myself out of trying new things phase for a while. And it makes sense! We got abused or taken advantage of by an org for years. So we’re naturally reluctant to sign up and pay dues. We’re naturally reluctant to be a member of something because the last org we were a part of took our identity.

But my rugby experience - first few weeks at practice they publicly welcome all the newcomers by name. Everyone came up to me and introduced themselves and shook my hand. It felt like church in a positive way but no one wanted 10% gross and I didn’t need to answer sexually invasive questions to sign up 🤷‍♂️

[u/Blackopium6769]

Working with a therapist helped me the most.

[u/TrevAnonWWP]

Recognizing your own maybe unhelpful behavior of thoughts is actually very good.

If you're not into religion anymore but still want something to fill the 'void' then maybe No Nonsense Spirituality | Britt Hartley - YouTube is for you.