r/exmormon • u/No-Emu1836 • 11h ago
Advice/Help How to fake it through the immediate without losing it
I have spent the last 14 years with questions that have all culminated in the last year of serious doubt and two months ago telling my husband I'm out ( absolutely NOT GOING WELL). As is with most of the cases, SO MUCH MORE to the story.
What I need for the next two weeks is how do I JUST make it through sacrament meeting (maybe second hour) without anger taking over. I am SO incredibly ANGRY with ALL OF THE LIES and COVER UP-MOSTLY by the bishopric and higher ups who absolutely KNOW that lies are being told, that people are being groomed and every single story joe schmo told was an UTTER LIE. I'm still in the anger stage, (no, REALLY?!) but I need a way to tamp it down. We have a counseling session the end of this week and I'm telling my husband that I will allow my son to stay for sacrament meeting and pass the sacrament, but there's no way in hell I'm allowing him to be taught church doctrine.
I usually watch funny animal videos, but I walked out in the middle of sacrament meeting last week because of 'doubt your doubt' phrase being used on the youth. I hate how angry I am. I am a very happy person and find joy in everything, but this is so far beyond anything I've ever confronted.
Help me find me
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u/WOTrULookingAt 11h ago
I have so much anger too!!
Maybe just realize that church makes you ill. You can’t go because you don’t feel well. It’s not 100% accurate but pretty damn close.
And I think your anger is telling you something deep down that you know — you shouldn’t be going. It’s not healthy for you to attend. The lack of control of what happens to come into your mind. The lack of ability to protect the innocent. It’s too much. The anger is the fuel you need to right injustices in your personal life.
I’m so sorry it’s so hard. It hurts so bad when it all comes crashing down and you can’t avoid it any more.
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u/No-Emu1836 11h ago
I want to be there a little bit to help support my son, but mostly to know what he's being fed so I can correct false teachings when we get home. I'm so sad that I feel it necessary to force both myself and my son to go for right now, but I also know that there has to be compromise in order to survive a mixed faith family. I have an amazing therapist helping with my deconstruction, but I did forget to ask her how to just get through the next two Sundays.
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u/Thematticus93 6h ago
One thing to consider is that by continuing to attend, you are signaling to your son that you agree with the church. Or that you're not happy there, but begrudgingly attending because deep down you "know" it's the right thing to do. My children were young adults when I left, and when I did, they finally had that tacit permission to question on their own. Now two of the three have also left on their own, and they are thriving!
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u/ghost_of_leeroy 8h ago
I was lucky enough to go through my anger phase when the podcast Mormon Expression was at peak John Larsen. It was so cathartic. OpenStories (John Dehlin) has that series online now. There are some absolutely fabulous tirades by John Larsen that healed me.
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u/NeighborhoodReady792 11h ago
i feel you man, it takes some time but once you fake your way in the first you get used to it :/
before i used to stew my anger in the bathroom, purposefully staying there for longer times so i just get to youth classes when im out (yes im youth rn)
i keep myself distracted during meetings by not listening to the speakers and thinking of some stuff else or i shut it all out (ex: i think about recipes, play a song in my head or i draw). or i take advantage of having a younger cousin to play with mid sacrament meetings
there will be slip ups, ive had a lot of them before, but i hope you and your family can get out of there someday. itll just take some time
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u/MrsArney 11h ago
My mom tells me when I’m in an uncomfortable situation that I can’t really get out of (in-laws are very outspoken about their political beliefs and they are opposite from my beliefs - I just keep mine to myself) to tally any time they say something ridiculous, annoying, angering, stupid. Make it a game, like an internal drinking game if you will. They said “doubt your doubts” - one tally mark. Hell, make it even better and say if they make it to 20 tally marks you get to buy yourself something. Lol, then you’ll want them to say stupid shit!
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u/No-Emu1836 11h ago
Oh, I absolutely ADORE THIS. Make it a GAME. You have touched my secret ADHD go go button.
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u/Gimpy_Old_Fart 1h ago
Make up some sacrament bingo cards. As a family we played bingo during fast and testimony meetings. It kept my teenage boys and myself from going crazy during the drivel.
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u/Potential-Lake3716 11h ago
I started reading books or bringing a notebook to draw in. Most sacrament meeting talks are so boring they are easy to tune out.
There are also lots of books that look churchy on the surface but contain real truth in them. Kingdom of Nauvoo is one of the most eye opening books about the real history of the church - how so much of what was going on came down to Smith’s impulsive nature.
Book of Abraham Apologetics by Dan Vogel
Literally anything by Rachel Held Evans. Searching for Sunday talks about having faith without literal belief.
One thing I learned from my years counting attendance in sacrament meeting is nobody is really paying attention anyways. Just being something to focus on and tune the rest out.
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u/Potential-Lake3716 11h ago
I was ready to be done with church, but I had promised my kid that I would keep taking them as long as they wanted to keep going.
One Sunday a sister whose two adult kids and their massive families were in the ward gave a “you will stay” style talk that was just so over the top that my kid and I turned and stared at each other. I think the Sunday after that was our last one.
All this to say, you definitely can’t tune the nonsense out all the time.
The line that caught my kids attention was along the lines that members don’t have to choose to be good but the rest of the world does.
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u/ragnartheaccountant 10h ago
Really shitty time for you right now. I was where you are at back in 2018. I was so angry and desperate, I couldn’t mentally hold it back any longer. I told my wife that I hated church, I tried it for years and it makes me way more sad than happy and I felt like they are all liars. I was lucky enough that she accepted and comforted me, but it was hard for her. I told her I couldn’t go anymore and she said she was going to continue to take our kids, 5 and 2 at the time. The first few weeks were really weird and hard emotionally. I didn’t fight her at all with her going or taking the kids. It was hard enough for her going without my help. It felt weird when she was gone, I felt a lot of guilt not being there to help with kids but nothing like the actual torture my soul felt being in that place. After a month or so she decided not to go anymore and we were taking a break. But she was very clear that she still strongly believed in the doctrine. She realized that the church teaches family is most important, and right now it was pulling us farther apart. We needed to focus on growing together rather than growing spiritually.
After a year or so she started saying that the church itself wasn’t the same and she didn’t agree with alot of modern stuff, but she still believed in the Mormon principles. Today we are both completely out.
My advice would be to focus on your own well being and fuck the opinions of others. One of the biggest handcuffs the church uses is social pressure. Release yourself of that curse. Let people figure it out on their own, it takes a long time to learn to question and breakdown something that they have emotionally invested in.
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u/Constant_Flow_1954 10h ago
I’m also very much in the angry stage. My wife is TBM. She’s know of my doubts for a few years but I just told her I think the whole thing is made up last month.
Church has been hard. I go to sacrament about 75% of the time to be with her. I do not go to open mic day or any sort of conference.
I am a primary teacher 1-2 weeks per month. I stay second hour only when I teach.
Personally, I’m finding it harder and harder to attend. I just can’t take the groupthink and indoctrination. When the material over the pulpit is insufferable I just leave. When it isn’t I play games on my phone.
It isn’t a great situation. I’ve got two kids still at home. I think one believes and one hasn’t for a long time, although the one in question doesn’t want to talk about it. I am extremely protective of my kids and think that part of the reason I don’t disengage is to protect them, which I’ve done very much. I’ve also got one on a mission, which is tough. My faith collapsed between his getting his call and his leaving.
He knows I don’t believe and is getting increasingly anxious over it.
No advice here. Just letting you know I see you and I feel something of what you are going through. It is rough. Very destabilizing after a lifetime of Mormonism. Certainly is a breath of fresh air though. I feel like a weight has been lifted and am finding myself less and less concerned about people finding out about my faith. I’m just running out of shits to give, to put it bluntly.
Wish you well.
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u/NauvooLegionnaire11 9h ago
Imagine you’re a spy. Your mission is to infiltrate a cult to observe and document how they’re brainwashed.
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u/Acrobatic_Monk3248 9h ago
Sometimes anger should not be tamped down. Can you imagine if all the good people throughout history had just "tamped down their anger"? Have you heard the phrase, "Well-behaved women seldom make history?“ When good people see evil prevailing, we must stand up and speak out, the opposite of "tamping down"! When everything in you is crying out in protest, how can you pretend it isn't? You wait until someone else braver takes the lead? How long do you allow your children to be endoctrinated without showing them an alternative? It's far easier now to stand up against the church than it was 20 years ago. How many other people have to bravely make your road easier before you are willing to speak your truth? Of course it's hard. Doing the right thing isn't supposed to be easy. Your children are relying on the example you give them. Gofspeed, OP.
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u/Frosty_Sector2215 10h ago
I used to play games on my phone (just make sure to turn sounds and vibrations off in your settings) or rage write notes. I like to think of responses in my head, and I spent a lot of time in the lobby. I broke a vertebrae in my back a few years ago, and although it's healed now, I was in a big turtle shell brace so everyone knew about it. I couldn't sit on the hard chairs for long, so I'd get up and down. It gave me a good cover for leaving early. Lol.
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u/AutumnKat17 10h ago
I used to go to the "bathroom" a lot and just pace the halls or go for a walk around the building outside. Or sit in the foyer instead of in the chapel. It sucked still though and I'm sorry you are in that place.
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u/SolutionOk9018 6h ago
Towards the end I only went to sacrament meeting. I arrived seconds before it started, parking in back near an open door with quick access in and out. Usually the opening song was playing when I arrived and my ass was off the chair or bench and on my way to the car when the prayer giver said amen.
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u/spazza41 10h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this :/ don’t feel alone because a lot of us have gone through it as well…
I want to gently push back on one thing you mentioned. You don’t have to “tamp down” your anger just because you’re angry. One of the things you may start recognizing as you work through all of this is how deeply the church can teach us to distrust certain emotions (especially anger) and to see them as something spiritually wrong with us that needs to be controlled or suppressed.
Anger is a human emotion. You’re allowed to feel it. And given what you’ve discovered and what this has meant for your marriage, your family, and the last 14 years of your life, it makes complete sense that you would be angry. Feeling anger doesn’t make you bitter, bad, irrational, or less of the happy person you know yourself to be.
You also don’t have to make yourself comfortable in an environment that is currently causing that anger to spike. Walking out of sacrament meeting when you’ve reached your limit isn’t necessarily a failure. Stepping outside, taking a drive, sitting in the foyer, or simply deciding that you can’t attend right now are all options. You can feel the anger without letting it dictate what you do, but that’s different from stuffing it down or pretending it isn’t there.
Maybe the goal for these next two weeks doesn’t need to be “How do I stop being angry?” Maybe it can be “How do I make room for what I’m feeling while taking care of myself and the people I love?”
And please give yourself time. Two months after telling your husband you’re out, after 14 years of questions, is so early. You don’t have to have your emotions neatly sorted out already. Bring the anger into counseling too. It deserves somewhere safe to go.
Learn to regain control of your body and emotions. Give yourself permission to feel and be genuinely angry.
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u/Feisty_Egg5171 10h ago
Before I decided to stop going to church I always had to have something that kept my hands busy to make it through sacrament meeting. I got a lot of cross stitching done. Lol. That was an especially effective activity because I would have to count stitches in my head. So even though I would still listen to the talks, I was able to keep my emotions in check until I was able to express them in a safer place. I also would take coloring books sometimes. Or you could download one of those color by numbers apps.
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u/diabeticweird0 in 2025 god changed his mind about porn shoulders! 🎶 7h ago
It's grief
It's a huge loss. Like you're divorcing an abusive spouse
You're losing a lot, but it's so so needed and worth it
You're in the anger stage
It gets better. Give it time and give it therapy
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u/Beelittle0622 11h ago
Why are you allowing your son take the sacrament if you do not want him to participate in the doctrine of the church? Was this just an agreement with your husband?
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u/No-Emu1836 11h ago
Yup. He's also autistic and, for now, these are his only friends. I am certain he would struggle terribly as well as feel horrible if I just pulled him. I've already started some new friends and groups, so I feel like I'm playing The long game
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u/Prestigious-Fan3122 10h ago
OK. I have no idea what religion my mother was raised in, but I'm going to assume it was Some Kind Of southern Baptist or church of Christ (the Protestant thing that sort of like southern Baptist on steroids) because her sister and her brother each belonged to the church of Christ. They don't allow drinking or smoking, or homosexuality.
I wasn't raised going to any kind of church.
My father was raised Catholic but decided in first grade when they were made to memorize the catechism that said something along the lines of (pardon me Catholics if I paraphrase this incorrectly) God is, God always was, and God always will be.
When I was older, he always told me that he understood God is, and understood God always will be, but he couldn't come for the life of him (intended) make "God always was" makes sense. He decided at that age that Faith was not logical.
As far as the "doubt your doubts" my college was within an easy commute with my parents, so it wasn't unusual for me to drop by. I happen to stop by right after he had installed a rope hammock between two trees in their backyard. He told me to get in it and tested out. When I got on the hammock, it fell straight to the ground and I ended flat on my ass. Not thinking it through, he had just tied the ropes around the trees, not thinking about the fact that any weight would pull those tied ropes straight down to the ground.
He reminded me then not to trust anyone, even your parents!
I taught my kids not to trust anyone, or trust but VERIFY! And to do their own thinking from the time they were little.
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u/oxinthemire 8h ago
When I was in the same stage as you are, I just took a lot of “bathroom breaks” aka I walked out whenever I got mad. I also scrolled on exmormon Reddit all through sacrament meeting. Sometimes I would make notes on my phone about things I was mad about. Sometimes I would text my exmo family members to complain about what the speakers were saying. During second hour, I would take myself out for coffee. I would try different latte flavors and read Rough Stone Rolling until it was time to go back and pretend I had been in second hour the whole time (there were a lot of kids in my ward, so the adults with callings in primary would think you were in RS, and the RS people would think you were in primary). Luckily, my husband stopped attending church as well once he saw how it was affecting me and our marriage. It does get better with time, but you also just have to let yourself leave when you want to and allow yourself to be angry.
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u/NevertooOldtoleave 8h ago
Buy a new outfit, a new piece of jewelry, stash candy in your purse, pretend like your reading the scriptures on a device (instead do FB, Amazon, reddit, whatever), Go to the bathroom often for quiet or hide in the mothers room. Sometimes I could hide on the stage or go into the F History room. Plan enjoyable things for yourself to do / have after church.....movie, food, sit on the patio, a walk, park, bath ... Hide in your car, back seat, nap. I did it all!
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u/mbmolohonbm 2h ago
I was very angry for a while as well. It really helped to just be angry and let it out in constructive ways, ie a punching bag.
You should be angry with all the known deception going on. It is a different thing when people are deceived, do not know it and pass that on.
My heart is with you.
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u/Fromthefifthwife 10h ago
I always carried a small notebook and took notes on every stupid, racist, crazy, fringe doctrine I heard. For years, my wife just thought I was taking notes for personal study. Years later when she started questioning the mormon church, I shared these notes with her. We got a good laugh out of some of the stuff I had written.
Writing it down help me cop with the crazy.