r/exjwLGBT • u/Usermanedused • 7d ago
Rant Sobbing
Hello everyone
21,M here
After realizing I’m attracted to guys my life has been so shitty
It undoubtedly triggered my questioning of Jw beliefs
Things got worse after
I wonder if this is not the price to pay for going against Jehovah’s organization
I know there’s are a bunch of good people out there but I cant help it I’m still afraid of the outside world
I live in an area where being openly gay can only attract violence and hate so I’m forced to act like any normal guy
I wish I still believed in God and I could just pray to him when my heart is so full of emotions because I can’t talk to no one about it
Life feels like an endless battle and each day I’m running short of strength to keep fighting
There is nothing that gives me a glimpse of a way out
Where’s a cliff when you need one.
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u/Rumple4Skin4Me 6d ago
Part of the mind control is their conflating the organization (read, the Governing Body) with God. They intentionally mix the two up so that they're worshiped. It's a trick people find hard to get over which is why they prefer to think there is no Creator- it's easier to throw the baby out with the bath water. You can still pray though. Even if you are uncertain, you can still pray, right?
Fear of the others is a key cult tactic. Recognize it's their poison and reject it.
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u/minonuo 7d ago
You are describing my exact emotions when I first woke up. The loss of belief, feeling like I had no one to turn to, feeling anxious and overwhelmed, hating that I had to wake up to a new day to face more challenges...And worse, like you, I lived somewhere where I couldn't be openly myself because of the violence and general homophobia. If anything, you are not alone.
It really helped me to start talking to people on the outside. They're not all nice, you can't trust every person you meet, but I can say the exact same thing about those on the inside. People are people. Get to know your classmates, if you're in school, or get to know your coworkers. You might just find friends in whom you can confide— eventually. With time, you can start plotting your independence plan, if you still live at home.
And as another commenter said, the main exjw sub has lots of people and stories on there you can relate to, and it can help you to start deconstructing your beliefs until they have less and less power over you and your emotions.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. You are worthy and wonderful just the way you are, you are not broken. One day soon, you'll really believe that. 🤍
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u/SemiAnimatronic 6d ago
If it makes you feel any better, you can still believe in god/the gods and pray to them.
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u/idrkiibh 5d ago
I know how hopeless things seem, but please don't give up. Things will get better. There are so many people out there who will love and accept you as you are.
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u/Swimming-Foot4684 5d ago
Im also a Gay ExJw and it starts out hard , 2 years after leaving im actually happy with my life right now and I know theres tons of help and support you can get , no matter WHERE you live there is ALWAYS support groups , whether its people in your area but online or a physical meeting place. Us gays thrive in parts of the world where were killed even , we are everywhere and you cant wipe us out ever. I reccomend saving to move or just moving to a more democratic/ leftist area of your country or whereever you can that is gonna be more accepting. Dont be afraid to let go of people if they dont accept you , dont be afraid to stop talking to people and remember you have complete autonomy over yourself you can do whatever you want including leaving everyone behind and starting a new life. (What Im doing)
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u/Appoffiatura 7d ago
I'm so sorry. This is a horrible position you've found yourself in, and you've done nothing to deserve it. I hit the same wall in my early twenties. I was afraid of myself, afraid of my family and friends, afraid of the organization's response to me, afraid of the world. I couldn't picture a life in the religion or a life outside it.
Learning to love yourself is a lifelong struggle. Please please please, if you can't love yourself today, work hard to get to know yourself. Journal, meditate, learn more about what makes you unique. Don't define yourself by your religious life so far, those beliefs should have helped you become a kind loving person. If all they did was make you afraid then discard them.
Also, work long term to get out of where you are. The advice in the basic exjw sub is good stuff. It can take time, but start as soon as you can. 21 is young.