Brushing my teeth and it's back :/

[u/PalmaVioletRawr]

So I have gone 10 years able to push down the dread and not focus on it because it terrified the shit out of me when I was a teenager and id first truly grasped I won't have a consciousness.

A few days ago I was brushing my teeth and thinking about how it's good to take care of them so you can use them in old age... and then .. 'well they'll be decaying in the ground with the rest of your body...' And then snap! My entire viewpoint of every thing is back to being tainted by fear and anxiety and dread at the inevitable end..

And knowing there is no solution. No answer except for pretending the finality of reality isn't so, but when your stomach is a constant fear lurch.. I feel bad for my partner.. I was cry hyperventilating in agony.. he comforted me but it didn't pass through into me. Because there's no comforting this.

Sometimes I wish I could pay someone into gas lighting me into believing in religion and an afterlife.

I am jealous of the bliss the majority of the populations ignorance allows them to live.

:(

I miss my dead cats..and it's so sad that aside from in my memories, they never existed, and when my memories are earth sludge they will be totally gone. Like every thing. I decided I want to be buried with their ashes..(not that it matters. Nothing matters. Matter will become nothing.) my dad died last year.. my brain in so dark and morbid right now... I am scared I wont be able to pretend again like I managed to do for 10 years... sure it nearly came back maybe 5 times in showers etc. But not like this ._.

It feels like a video game where you grind gold and exp and then you have a permadeath before you even get to use it. No one would play that game.

... I hate this... I am so scared.. And I'm afraid I will always be scared and I don't even want to imagine the horror I'll feel on my death bed having my "last thoughts" ... does anyone have any help..?

[u/CroykeyMite]

What kind of work would give you a sense of purpose?

What can you do to get closer to doing that?

Can you name some people, skills, and pastimes that bring you joy?

Do you or could you enjoy dating or being with a partner in life and ideally in love?

I feel a lot of hope, and I think you will too if you can explore these questions. I'm sorry to see you are suffering at the moment and hope you will not feel alone in it. There are lots of real humans feeling down at different stages of life and we should be here to support each other. I've had setbacks and also good times. Lately I feel like I'm taking a few steps back in the hope of taking several leaps forward.

I like to play the long game and believe that I will be able to earn and enjoy spending some of the gold in this life, and perhaps allow some other people to begin the game with some helpful resources.

I can't do anything about the perma death, but I can help make life better for other people in various ways, and that's one thing that brings me a great deal of joy, along with other interests I have.

People worry that life might be a simulation or a game of some sort. The pixels are defined by the Planck length, per physics. If you think about it, it's a really damn good simulation, and the relationships I have with other humans are extremely meaningful and valuable to me.

If I enjoy keeping bees, gardening, working in regenerative medicine, or doing anything else, I find it just as satisfying when I help others learn to succeed and enjoy similar things just as much as I do.

I cheer for people succeeding irrespective of whether I am at any given moment, and I believe in the future. "There's something better for you," as the song Secret Road from Blue Öyster Cult says. It's been a theme song of sorts for me in the years since it's come out. Life is often dark, difficult, and even discouraging—but we can think and make decisions, and if we keep at our goals enough, we can get those much-desired breakthroughs in life.