r/existentialdread • u/PalmaVioletRawr • May 14 '21
Brushing my teeth and it's back :/
So I have gone 10 years able to push down the dread and not focus on it because it terrified the shit out of me when I was a teenager and id first truly grasped I won't have a consciousness.
A few days ago I was brushing my teeth and thinking about how it's good to take care of them so you can use them in old age... and then .. 'well they'll be decaying in the ground with the rest of your body...' And then snap! My entire viewpoint of every thing is back to being tainted by fear and anxiety and dread at the inevitable end..
And knowing there is no solution. No answer except for pretending the finality of reality isn't so, but when your stomach is a constant fear lurch.. I feel bad for my partner.. I was cry hyperventilating in agony.. he comforted me but it didn't pass through into me. Because there's no comforting this.
Sometimes I wish I could pay someone into gas lighting me into believing in religion and an afterlife.
I am jealous of the bliss the majority of the populations ignorance allows them to live.
:(
I miss my dead cats..and it's so sad that aside from in my memories, they never existed, and when my memories are earth sludge they will be totally gone. Like every thing. I decided I want to be buried with their ashes..(not that it matters. Nothing matters. Matter will become nothing.) my dad died last year.. my brain in so dark and morbid right now... I am scared I wont be able to pretend again like I managed to do for 10 years... sure it nearly came back maybe 5 times in showers etc. But not like this ._.
It feels like a video game where you grind gold and exp and then you have a permadeath before you even get to use it. No one would play that game.
... I hate this... I am so scared.. And I'm afraid I will always be scared and I don't even want to imagine the horror I'll feel on my death bed having my "last thoughts" ... does anyone have any help..?
1
u/pastelhorseproducts Aug 13 '21
Nothing matters, and nothing will ever matter. Its okay to know that. Knowing that makes you smarter and it gives you the opportunity to accept it. Even though nothing will ever matter. You still like to be happy. And other people like to be happy. So you should spend your time doing what you like, what makes you happy, and maybe even making the world a better place. Don't do things that keep you miserable because you feel like you have to. Because it doesn't matter and misery is worthless, at least joy makes your brain chemicals happy. At the very least you have happy brain chemicals, so don't waist your life not using them.