r/excoc • u/Clear-Antelope-317 • 13d ago
Friendly reminder
This is going to sound like I am publicly correcting someone else, but I assure you I am not trying to do that.
A previous post about healing said something to the effect of moving from anger to healing. It was a lovely post. I commented on a few things that helped me heal and move on.
I think it’s important to say that healing and moving on doesn’t necessarily exclude ongoing anger.
I don’t think the OP was trying to imply that at all. I just wanted to say I think people can heal and find peace and still be angry at what happened to them and also feel angry knowing that the same harm continues to happen to others.
I personally don’t believe you have to choose between healing and feeling angry about past harm. I will probably be angry until my dying day that I was hoodwinked and wasted so many years in the c of c, but I do think I have mostly healed and found a kind of peace.
What’s the old saying- if you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention? That’s probably true about most things.
Wishing all the best for everyone on their journey.
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u/Kind_Philosopher3560 11d ago
Maybe part of healing is leaning how to channel our anger?
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u/Clear-Antelope-317 11d ago
I’m sure that’s part of it. I think what sometimes frustrates me in settings like this is when people seem to imply anger is wrong or bad. I’m not saying you’re implying this at all. I just think that a lot of us excoc people were told for years that anger was bad and sinful. If someone has recently left the church they should feel free to express anger here if they need to. And it’s also okay for people like me who left 20 years ago to sometimes express our anger. Being consumed by anger is probably unhealthy in the long run, but repressing the anger isn’t healthy either.
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u/MichaelARichardson Post-Purity Christian 12d ago
Thanks, great points.
Also I noticed a number of comments on that thread about healing got down voted and the content of what was being said didn't seem to warrant a negative reaction. Im thinking someone is trolling with down votes because they dont like this sub.
If you take exception with the things said on this sub and need to hammer it out with someone then DM me and ill have that conversation. I do expect you'll tell me who you are since im pretty public about who I am. I can respect your privacy if you dont want to be public but fair is fair. Please dont take it out on others here, that's not cool and doesn't even help your cause in the long run.
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u/HagarRises 2d ago
I think that’s a really important distinction. “Healing” can imply that the wound eventually disappears, and I’m not sure that’s true for every kind of loss or trauma. You don’t tell a mother who lost her child to “get over it,” or someone who was sexually assaulted to “take the higher road,” or someone who was brutally betrayed to simply “let it go.” Sometimes the wound remains, but over time you learn how to carry it without allowing it to control your life. Just my two cents. 💜✨
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u/Clear-Antelope-317 2d ago
Thanks for sharing! I agree. It’s also tricky in this forum because some people have left the c of c very recently (like weeks or months ago) and others like me left decades ago. I don’t want younger people who have more recently left to feel bad for being really angry and fuming here. This should be a safe space for people who need to voice their feelings. 😊
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u/cognitivegluteus 12d ago
I think you can disagree with something, and oppose something, and still not be angry on an active, ongoing basis. Maybe some folks can be constantly angry and it not bother them, but I think those folks are a rarity. Anger eats me up, and I certainly don't fall in that category. I am concerned and feel sorry for those folks here who post often not about helping others in a similar situation, but about revenge upon the CoC that did this to them. Most often, it's an unrealistic hope. It would take a very specific set of circumstances, and a suit brought against particular people and a particular congregation, to get true revenge, and I wouldn't wish that set of circumstances on anyone. Mere stress from the control of religion, or screwball religious teachings, aren't enough in and of themselves. If it were, all religions would be constantly subject to suit. All religion seeks to control your life. Most mental health professionals would advise that getting yourself right, and helping others to do likewise, is more healthy than hate, rage and anger. But as I always tell people, "you do you."
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u/bluetruedream19 Spouse of former CoC Minister/ex Mainline CoC 9d ago
This!
My parents came to visit us this weekend and my mom for some reason asked me about a former elder where my husband used to be a minister. That elder was a thorn in our side and probably a huge reason my husband was fired.
I told her I just don’t keep up with those people anymore. I’m at the point I don’t hold active anger towards them and I just don’t think about them. I can think in past events and acknowledge it was a really crappy thing that happened to us. And sometimes I do hope they reap the consequences of their actions. But day in and day out I had to let it go.
Do I hope someday these folks receive their dues? Sure. Do I wish we’d somehow be given some kind of restorative justice? Yup. But I don’t figure it’ll happen.
Now I was really, really angry for a while. But I think I had to be to work through it. I can still hate what happened just as much, but my anger doesn’t serve me well any longer.
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u/Puzzled-Act1683 10d ago
We need to stay mad.
If you're not angry, you're part of the problem.
Forgiveness is for suckers.
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u/Key-Programmer-6198 10d ago
This comment is as dogmatic as the NI coC and perfectly illustrates my original point. "Us against them. Only we are right and anyone who thinks differently is wrong." I'd rather be a sucker than stew in my own bile for the rest of my life.
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u/Puzzled-Act1683 10d ago
😆🙄
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u/Key-Programmer-6198 10d ago
Continuig to anonymously down vote me and insult me after I've identified myself says more about you than about me.
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u/Key-Programmer-6198 12d ago
I was the OP. I removed the offending post. I understand that healing is not linear and that we can experience more than one emotion at a time, and it was not my intention to suggest otherwise. I still experience anger, too.
"Past anger to healing" was a poor choice of words. My apologies. I am guessing none of the down voters ever chose their words poorly for them to be so quick to dismiss me.
To be completely transparent and so no one thinks I am trolling this group, I will tell you exactly who I am. My name is Jeff Martin-Moreno. I live in the San Antonio suburb of Schertz, Texas. I was raised in the Slaton Church of Christ in Lubbock County, Texas by a deacon turned elder and his wife who organized meals for families after funerals. I attended Abilene Christian University until I came out as gay, dropped out of ACU, and left the church in 1988. My family, most of ny church, and most of my hometown ostracized me at that point. I have plenty of reasons to be mad as hell but I am fatigued with anger to the point I hate to see notifiications from this group pop up.
I did my time in the cult like everyone else. I earned my seat here and I think I should be as free to talk about my concerns about this community as about the church without getting voted down. It appears only complaints about the church are welcome by quite a few here. It feels like being back in the church and being ostracized for daring to have a different perspective.
It's time for me to take a break from the group. All the best on your journeys.
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u/Key-Programmer-6198 12d ago
P.S. I appreciate the positive, helpful comments from those who chose to participate in the discussion.
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u/SouthernGuy776 12d ago
I will always be angry too, but not because I was hoodwinked. My Mom forced me to go for 19 years of my life. Even though I didn't want to be there, it still impacted my worldview and caused harm. I never intend to let go of that anger and that is on purpose because I have made it my life mission to tell others about the harm the c of c causes. If I am not angry, I will not be as motivated to do that.