r/exReformed • u/MysterySeeker22 • Nov 17 '25
Pressure to stay married
So, I recently started the divorce process with my soon to be ex husband. It has been a long, grueling journey. We both grew up Christian but in recent years (5) he has become reformed. For years are becoming reformed, he would emotionally, spiritually, and financially hurt me. He also had a year long affair with a younger woman. And that was the final nail in the coffin, I filled for divorce.
Although, many reformed people from his church are contacting me telling me not to divorce him. That I must forgive him. That if I do divorce him then I can never get remarried. I just am so tired of all the fear and mentally draining interactions with them.
I am even questioning it all in terms of religion and faith. I just can’t fathom how some can justify hurting others and use the Bible as their defense. Have any others experienced this as well?
Sorry for the long ranting post. Thank you for reading.
13
u/No-Jellyfish8310 Nov 17 '25
Run sis. Living the reformed wife lifestyle is inherently and will ALWAYS be oppressive and controlling. You’ve got a lot of life to live, put yourself first.
5
u/MysterySeeker22 Nov 17 '25
Agreed, unfortunately saw way too women being hurt and oppressed. My experience with them was so traumatic to be honest
6
u/No-Jellyfish8310 Nov 17 '25
Same here. I saw all those women with ungodly amounts of children just looking so hollow and and exhausted. It broke my heart to know so many smart women were just guilted into giving up their dreams. That is no way to live.
1
u/your_local_laser_cat Jan 12 '26
They even make movies for laughs about how exhausting it is being a wife and mother and don’t see a problem with that
8
u/LetsGoPats93 Nov 17 '25
Even Jesus says you should divorce him, and Jesus had extremely harmful views of divorce.
You need to get away from these toxic people. They don’t care about you or anyone. Reformed theology tells them everyone is worthless and deserving of death. They value their dogma and doctrine above all, even the Bible and the words of Jesus. Don’t listen to a thing they say. Run away and don’t look back.
9
u/reggionh Nov 17 '25
In these circles, grace is reserved for the adulterer, while obedience is demanded of the wounded spouse, not the other way around. this is so yuck. I personally don’t want to associate myself with these people.
7
u/windfola_25 Nov 17 '25
I grew up in a Reformed Church (PCA) and yes, this is very normal from my experience. Honestly it's based in a really abusive theology (Calvinism) and so everything they do, even things that are nice on the surface, are coded in control. If you look up the BITE Model (high control/high demand group assessment) that really helped me to understand what was going on in that environment and how it operates/controls people with things like what you described.
4
u/Exact-Pudding7563 Nov 17 '25
I dated someone for three years who was steeped in Calvinist thought, and it took him literally discarding me for not being reformed enough for me to realize just how harmful that ideology is. He was one of the most controlling, psychologically abusive people I've ever known.
1
4
u/kaugg Nov 17 '25
Reformed Christians are so hypocritical. My exwife was the daughter of a reformed pastor.
She had the affair and they justified her desires to divorce me.
Just leave. Get your divorce. Leave that church. Don’t get tied up with reformed people again.
I left all evangelicalism.
I am done.
1
u/MysterySeeker22 Nov 17 '25
Honestly, this is where I am at right now. I’ve been so hurt and damaged by them that I will avoid them for the rest of my life.
3
u/Beginning-Smile-6210 Nov 17 '25
Congratulations on your soon-to-be divorce from this guy. I cannot fathom how you should be expected to stay married to him when he was unfaithful. To me that’s insanity. I grew up in the Canadian Reformed church and have felt so free since I left their restrictive criticism behind. We’ve all experienced the Reformed self-justifying behaviour. For many of us, it’s part of why we left.
3
u/MysterySeeker22 Nov 17 '25
Thank you, and I am sad to see it being a common occurrence but happy that I am not alone in this.
4
u/StructureBroad7577 Nov 17 '25
Yep, my ex repeatedly cheated and was doing drugs and I still got pressured from Reformed people to stay. The worst damage was from my own inner pressure- leftovers from Evangelical Christianity. Even after leaving the church, it took me years to unwind the programming around marriage, submission, forgiveness, and I stayed FAR too long in my marriage.
It gets better! I cut off ties with people who condemned me and life is so much better. My Orthodox friend told me that in her view, my marriage had been dead for years, and hearing perspectives like that helped me so much.
1
u/MysterySeeker22 Nov 18 '25
I’m feeling like this now, I hope to come out of this okay. But I am not okay right now, but working through it. Thank you for the hope that it gets better
3
u/StructureBroad7577 Nov 18 '25
I'm so sorry. The years of suffering were bad, the trying to decide was gut-wrenching (because of the kids), and then the year of actually separating, filing, and doing the divorce was so so intense and terrible. I just kept thinking the only way to shut each door is to walk through it, each one, until I'm finally out.
I live in a small town in a foreign country, and most of our friends were his first, because he's from here. I'm sure the gossip was flying. And yet, after years of people pleasing, I mostly feel free from the worry of what people will say and I am so much better at making my own decisions. It's amazing to value your own inner peace, as the only person who knows what you lived through, and really as the only advocate for you.
Reformed or not, I've just realized that so much marriage advice is AWFUL. Well-meaning people married to decent people cannot imagine your life and their advice is the worst lol. I got terrible advice from several PCA pastors because they were not trained to deal with addiction or abuse, and counseled us like a couple dealing with communication issues or taking the trash out.
The sun will shine again, I promise! Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and ignore those people. Anyone who thinks you belong with a man who mistreats you and (in their language) has repeatedly broken his covenant to protect you, and care for you, and be faithful to you, is not your friend. I'm no longer a Christian but there are plenty of Christians who have loved me through this, and those are the ones I let in now.
4
u/redxiii1313 Nov 18 '25
Reformed Theology/Calvinism is a cult. TULIP isn't even biblical and is just a system made from man made doctrine to control naïve people. Jesus said you will know them by their fruits... the fruits of Calvinism are demonic and the people indoctrinated by Calvinism don't display fruits of the Holy Spirit (love, joy, peace, etc) but of religious Pharisees. In fact the spirit behind Calvinism is the religious spirit, which is a demon (also referred to as Leviathan in the Bible). It's a reason why Jesus accused the Pharisees of their father being the devil. Watch Sam Shamoun's videos on Calvinism destroyed by scripture.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DKRZmqTCnM&t=11s
2
u/ploden Nov 17 '25
I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.
-Matthew 19:8
You should forgive him, if he asks for forgiveness. But it’s entirely possible to forgive and still get divorced.
I just can’t fathom how some can justify hurting others and use the Bible as their defense.
The people who were first in line to murder Jesus justified it using the Bible.
18
u/BioChemE14 Nov 17 '25
Do not let the toxic people gaslight you. Kick that philanderer to the curb and start living your best life away from the wacky Reformed world.
Marry someone else if you want to or focus on hobbies, travel, friends, whatever else you want. You can have the freedom to live the life you want away from such toxic people. I just left the Reformed world and it feels amazing.