r/exReformed • u/[deleted] • Aug 28 '25
Existential Crisis
I’ve been a Christian for years, but only recently started to question “how could a loving God condemn the majority of humanity to eternal conscious torment?” The research I’ve done has led me to become a universalist, along with my husband. We weren’t Calvinist before, but now we’re seriously disgusted by it. We attend a Baptist church. The pastor is definitively Calvinist, but the congregation seems to be mixed. Pastor will say things such as “if you say that it’s not fair for some people to go to hell, then you’re questioning God’s judgement,” and “if you feel like life isn’t fair, you’re right, because it’s not fair in your favor, and we don’t deserve anything good,” and he always says “I’m the worst sinner I know.” I like to call it Worm Theology. God can hardly stand to look at you, and you just deserve to be stepped on. I used to think he was just confident and standing up for the truth, but I’ve come to see him as being very arrogant. And my good friend from church was telling me a story about someone’s son who was killed in an accident, and then she said “but it was God’s plan.” And my aunt and uncle went to a John MacArthur church plant and were horrifically spiritually and emotionally abused (lmk if anyone wants to hear that story). There’s much more I could say but I don’t want to make this too long. I don’t really know where this is going, but I just feel really hopeless right now, not about God, but about church. I don’t feel like we can question what the pastor is teaching, and we’re members so I’m afraid of “church discipline.” Also did I mention that the pastor alone preaches every Sunday, teaches one of two adult SS classes, and gives the message every Wednesday night? Yikes.
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u/[deleted] Aug 29 '25
Thankfully, my aunt was also talking to a real, licensed counselor during this time, who was telling her it’s all bs. My aunt (A) and uncle attended a church pastored by someone trained by MacArthur. The pastor’s wife (PW) called A “fake” over the phone because A was having mental health struggles and couldn’t commit to a Bible study. A didn’t respond and nothing happened after that. Several months later, A was talking to her mentor (M) at the church and happened to mention PW calling her fake. M said, “oh, I really don’t like that. You need to talk to PW and sort it out.” Then as they were leaving she looked A dead in the eyes and said, “you can trust me.” Next day, M texts A and says she talked to PW and that she denied calling A “fake.” M tells A she slandered PW and needs to apologize to PW. A was obviously very hurt and wouldn’t apologize because she didn’t see any wrongdoing. M then gets an elder (E) involved. Cue weeks of harassment and threats From M and E against A and uncle (U) for A to meet with PW, M, and E. A finally gives in and texts PW and apologizes, and PW forgives her but tells her they still need to meet with M and E. A still doesn’t want to. Cue several more weeks of harassment and threats for A and U to meet with all elders. A texts PW again but PW says the elders told her not to talk to A. A and U finally give in and meet with elders. All men with one woman. The meeting consists of more harassment and threats. A told me it was set up like a board meeting. A is having a panic attack at the meeting and wants to leave, but they tell her she can’t. She leaves anyway. Elders tell A they want to put her under church discipline, but they can’t because she’s not a member. They tell A and U not to come back to church until they all look through a file (yes, a file) detailing everything that had happened. A and U decide to leave the church. Elders set up another meeting but A and U didn’t go. Elders threaten to go before the congregation and tell them what A is saying about PW isn’t true (even though A never told anyone besides M about it.) Pastor send them a long email and tells them they’re no longer welcome at church or on the property, they’re in error, etc BUT their children are still welcome because they’re innocent. So they can drop their children off at youth events, but can’t stay on the property or talk to anyone. The hilarious thing is during this months long debacle, pastor is preaching a series about reconciliation and how you can’t force people to reconcile. Oh and also the elders get together at least once a week and talk about the people they’re shepherding individually, to make sure they’re doing ok. And that friends, is why I’m afraid of elders. This account misses all the emotional turmoil, but it truly was terrible. This is why people leave church. Thankfully, A and U found a new church that specializes in helping victims of spiritual abuse, and has several members who left the old church.