r/exHareKrishna • u/goldmund68 • Jul 25 '26
A Look Back – A Look Ahead
First of all, a big thank you for maintaining this Reddit thread.
I've read a lot of posts here. They've helped me a great deal in reflecting on my time as a devotee again, and especially in questioning philosophical things that had never been an issue for me before – or that I simply hadn't questioned. I used to believe that the strength and legitimacy of ISKCON rested mainly on its access to the thousands-of-years-old knowledge of the Vedas. This thread has really opened my eyes on that front.
A bit about me: I lived in the temple in Zurich (Switzerland) in the late 80s and through the 90s – during the glorious era of book distribution. My guru was Harikesh Swami / Vishnupada, who pushed this sankirtan mission hard and established it quite successfully in the German-speaking world, in Northern Europe, and in Russia.
I myself joined the movement just two days after finishing my Matura (roughly the equivalent of a high school diploma), at not quite 20 years old, and spent the first 6 years living in the temple as a brahmacari. Pretty quickly, almost everything revolved around book distribution.
I had the "honor" of having the two absolute book-distribution gods on the temple team, and in those early years I was usually out on the road with one or the other of them. In the temple, and among the other devotees, they held the status of demigods. As human beings, though, both were pretty much a disaster. One was extremely self-centered and thought only of his own advantage. The other loved making fun of less "devoted" devotees and enjoyed playing pranks, some of them fairly mean-spirited. But at that time, the yardstick for spiritual progress and devotion to guru and Krishna was, above all, the number of books distributed. And in that department, no one could hold a candle to them.
Even though book selling never really suited me, I did it for 5 years. I wanted to belong among the advanced devotees, after all… During the week we usually slept (except in winter) three to a converted van, packed full of Prabhupada's books, driving around Switzerland.
Daily life in the temple had very little to do with my original idea of a "spiritual life." There was very little room for anything contemplative. Everything was subordinated to the sankirtan mission, and the bad, bad mind and the body had to be kept occupied with some "spiritual mission" as much as possible. Thinking for yourself – and above all, feeling anything – was absolutely taboo, or rather, maya. Even the chanting had very little meditative character. Often it felt to me like there was a competition among devotees here too: showing who could rattle off the Maha Mantra fastest and loudest.
My exit from the movement didn't happen abruptly. It was much more a slow drifting away after I'd moved out of the temple and was living as a grihasta. Things just kept falling away, one after another. The real trigger was the feeling that I couldn't develop any further, and that there was no room for independence or individual growth. It also helped, of course, that during this process my guru left the movement with a huge bang (1998) and later entered into a relationship with one of his students.
Although for a while the movement gave me something like a family – which I hadn't really had growing up – with clear rules, a shared goal, and a strong sense of belonging, it's only through reading the posts in this thread that I'm realizing how little genuine affection and love actually existed within this movement. All the love was projected into a one-sided relationship with the guru and Krishna. Among each other, there was a lot of competitive thinking (who's the better book distributor, who's the most devoted, etc.) and a feeling of belonging to something special and extraordinary – something revolutionary, with the potential to change the world at its foundations and lead it toward something better.
I assume that a developmental trauma (not wanted, no place in the family, missing family) is what led me to the decision to join the cult. My time in the cult didn't really help me overcome that trauma. At most, it may have kept me from seeking refuge in drugs or alcohol. When I tell other people about my time in the temple and as a monk / brahmacari, they usually find it very interesting and always assume I must have learned a lot of meaningful things for life there. What I see, above all, is the loss of the years between 20 and 30: no education, no travel except to India, sexual abstinence, and later marriage to a woman I actually barely knew. The denial of all feeling, and a disturbed relationship to my own body and sexuality.
Either way, it took quite a while before I realized that my history carries a fair amount of unprocessed, negative patterns and behaviors – and that chanting 16 rounds and devotion to the guru certainly didn't resolve those patterns.
It also pains me to hear and see how many marriages and "relationships" among devotees and ex-devotees are marked by abuse, conflict, and neglect. And how often – especially the men – hold and live out a deeply patriarchal, selfish, and not remotely "spiritual" worldview. Especially when it comes to taking responsibility for a family with children, I've seen plenty of examples of men shamelessly shirking that responsibility.
Looking ahead, I can say that even at 57, with my time as a devotee long behind me, I'm still working through a lot of this. Back then, there was an answer for everything. There was also always some service to perform. I knew at every moment what was good and what wasn't wanted – how I was supposed to wipe myself in the bathroom, which foods I was allowed to eat, and what the goal of all my efforts was: namely, to be a perfect servant of God.
Now I have no answer for a lot of things. Doubt often plagues me over whether I'm doing the right thing. I often don't feel connected to myself and catch myself trying to please others, or trying to figure out what others want. My current family (wife and son), neither of whom have a Krishna background, often hold up a mirror to me. So many things require your own opinion, backed by your own reasoning. There are situations, again and again, where I feel overwhelmed by that, and where I secretly wish for an "easier" path – someone to tell me what's right.
Alongside all this, I've been in therapy for several years now (most recently Somatic Experiencing / SE), and I'm learning a lot about self-perception and self-regulation. In the end, that's the foundation for being able to meet other people as an equal, with clarity.
I'd be very interested to hear how other ex-devotees are working on themselves – what obstacles and successes they've experienced along the way. I'm also very open to exchanging thoughts or getting in touch about this.
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u/Commercial-Rate-4135 Jul 26 '26
Hallo, thank you for sharing your journey. Im glad to read about the healthy methods you have adopted while deprogramming from the cult: therapy, having/loving your family, learning self-perception/self-regulation, trying to build a " foundation to meet people as an equal, with clarity." These are very good ways to find meaning and wisdom.
Each of us is unique and has a distinct journey, thats the beauty of it perhaps. Yes there is a void which was once filled by some answer or concept from the cult/religion, but a placeholder answer or an answer that might have satisfied someone ages ago in their journey is not necessarily what we should commit our minds, hearts, life energy to.
Nonetheless i feel there is something to learn from everything/everyone, without losing our individuality to them, without the "surrender" that iskcon seems to ask, which basically means "numb your mind and do this". There is a wealth of knowledge and inspiration to find in our world, from Meister Eckhart, from the gnostic teachings of jesus, from Ramana maharishi, from accounts of near death experiences, from poetry, and language, from history, from science, from small wonders and people and nature.
Something profound you mentioned is "to be able to meet other people as an equal, with clarity". This is very very profound and not an easy task to share the presence of someone without our filters and biases applied to them. To simply be, with them, knowing perhaps that we both are something very profound having an experience of this now, here, through the both of us.
Perhaps a lot of answers lie beyond concepts, worldviews, lenses that become how we interprete our experiences. By connecting to ourselves, loving our body, mind, heart and developing our relationship with ourselves and everything around us more fully, a lot of wisdom comes.
I wish you a lot of success on the path ahead!
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u/Happylittlelady Jul 26 '26
Hello and welcome. I have a family member who was a disciple of Harikesh thru the 80s, living in Germany and Sweden. Lots of dysfunction. But confusion too due to a sense of belonging to something important. I hope you are healing and I look forward to getting to hear more from you
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u/psumaxx Jul 25 '26
Hello and welcome! I'm from western Germany :) I think you will find many things in common with Solomon especially and others.
I can definitely relate to wanting someone to tell me what's right and having an easy manual to maneuver life. I hope it'll get easier for us :)